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Walking away entirely - anyone done this? - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

Walking away entirely - anyone done this?

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Jenny Thanks -I would like to go back to companion caring with my aunt. Going to have a discussion with family members next week to try and plan. Any suggestion will have to be put to my aunt very carefully.
Jessie, can you not just tell your aunt something like 'Aunty, when I visit I don't want to 'waste my time' doing all the boring drudgy things, I want to spend time with YOU - chatting to you, visiting, taking you out and so on. Giving you a nice time! You've got plenty of money, so use it for YOUR comfort now, at this time of your life! You deserve an easy time of it! Get people in to do all the drudgery stuff. Spend your money! You can't take it with you, you know, and if you leave too much the taxman will just get his greedy paws on it!'

Do you think she wants YOU to do the 'drudge work' of caring, rather than pay a professional, because she thinks it's the only way to get your attention? ie, she thinks you won't visit her otherwise??

Why do you think she is so averse to spending any money? Does she fear 'running out'?
Jenny. We don't know why she is so averse to spending. It's to do with how she has lived her whole life really. A lot doesn't make sense. Everything has got to stay the way it always was. It's rather sad really the way life narrows down to eg an argument about moving a piece of furniture to allow her to walk around more easily with her walker. Or she won't get additional sockets put in or a new fire. Everything is an upsetting battle as she gets angry at quite mild suggestions. It is mentally draining and her precarious situation is a constant worry.
Oh dear, it sounds like she is in denial about now needing anything that reminds her that she is getting older and frailer. If she moved the furniture it would be admitting that she needs to make life easier for herself now that she's getting older. So I suppose her logic is - I'm not moving the furniture therefore I'm not getting older....
I haven't visited either parent for about ten days now. One is in a home, the other in hospital awaiting surgery. I don't feel as guilty as i probably should do. I know they are both cared for and don't want to visit them. I feel so much better for not seeing them.
not a martyr wrote:I haven't visited either parent for about ten days now. One is in a home, the other in hospital awaiting surgery. I don't feel as guilty as i probably should do. I know they are both cared for and don't want to visit them. I feel so much better for not seeing them.
I wonder If they both feel so much better for not seeing you?
Fair point! These things can cut both ways!
In some situations it must be better for all concerned to see less of each other.

I know I'm happier when I see less of my elderly father - however maybe as the carer becomes more bogged down over time, they are less well received by the caree, so guess it can sometimes (but rarely) work both ways - the caree is always going to be 'in need'. It is really so hard to 'jolly along' somebody else when you're feeling flat yourself.
I guess carees can feel resentful that they actually 'need' care at all. But that's no reason (excuse?) to be unpleasant etc towards those who do care for one.
MrsAverage wrote:
not a martyr wrote:I haven't visited either parent for about ten days now. One is in a home, the other in hospital awaiting surgery. I don't feel as guilty as i probably should do. I know they are both cared for and don't want to visit them. I feel so much better for not seeing them.
I wonder If they both feel so much better for not seeing you?
Thanks. Great input. Bye.


I am actually suicidal tonight and that comemnmt has really pushed me over the edge thanks