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Verbal aggression - Carers UK Forum

Verbal aggression

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HI
My husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia last January. He has not coped with the diagnosis very well and gets very depressed. However recently he has been very aggressive towards me and I cannot reason with hhim. We have been married for 48 years and it has not always been a happy marriage as my husband is not a patient man and does not have aany hobbies. He has recently accused me of going to the pub every night ( I have been out with girlfriends twice in a fortnight ). He has now accused me of having an affair but he did not word it so nicely and thaat I am a tart. If you knew me you would not believe it and my friends were horrified when I told them. He shuts himself in the beroom for hours on end and has jsy stormed in and told e to pack my bags and get out !! I do everything for him give him his pils tae him to appointments do all our banking etc. He can no longer drive so I do all that as well. My Mother also has dementia but she is in a care home. I am finding it very difficut to cope with everything.. He gets so angry and I cannot calm him down or reason with him. Does anyone else experience this behaviour ??
Hello Marilyn
Welcome to the forum.
Sadly, it is not uncommon for people with vascular dementia to start accusing loved ones of affairs and going off enjoying themselves. My own lovely husband did, after he had the last stroke, and just before the diagnosis of dementia. I nearly had a breakdown because of it. It's best not to engage in such accusations. Maybe just say I would never do that to you, and walk away. It's pointless to argue with your husband, as it will just fuel the situation. It won't continue.Trying to understand dementia is extremely hard, but remember it's not your husband saying these things, but the dementia playing havoc with his brain.
I suggest you seek some counselling from the Alzheimer's society, or if you live in an area where admiral nurses are employed, to talk to them.
Do not give up with your friends, as you need a life for youself.
How old is your husband?
Are you claiming exemption from Council Tax on the grounds of severe mental impairment (back dateable to day of diagnosis)Attendance Allowance?
Social Services Needs Assessment for him? SS Carers Assessment for you?
Hi Marilyn, I'm very sorry that you're going through such a difficult time with your husband. It sounds like you're coping really well. I agree with Pet66 - with vascular dementia part(s) of their brain is damaged and this totally changes their behaviour.
Try to work out a stategy of coping with his accusations if you can eg walk away or put some music on or tell him you love him.
Have you any family that can help you?
Encourage your husband to do some simple chores (if possible) which will give him a purpose and might make him feel better.
Let us know how you get on
I can relate. I think dementia may kill of the 'nice' parts of the brain first and if someone is controlling and 'angry' that it can be made worse?

My husband is 79 and has not been diagnosed although he has symptons. I think the aggression and anger can be down to frustration......

No advice but it is likely to get worse so you MUST try and make a life of your own and see your friends as much as possible. Please remember if he does cross certain boundries, then you have every right to call the police if you feel in physical danger.Also you mention that your marriage has not been happy - do you have to stay?
My mum is now 92 and currently in hospital because of suffering hallucinations. They seem to have cleared and hopefully she will be discharged to a residentisl home soon. BUT. ..she is really angry with me for not taking her home and as the last person said the 'nice' part of her brain must have died because she is now coming out with all sorts. Saying things like I have a fat face and fat lips. That the last thing on her mind when she dies will be that I'm a rubbish daughter. That HER husband was in the royal navy and not in the boy scouts like mine was. And that boy scouts are "bum boys "!!!! And what a stupid name my son in law has. Why couldn't be have been given a 'normal' name!?!! That I have let her down because I won't look afte her (been looking after her for years going daily). And that 'you're getting nowt, I'm making a will and leaving my bungalow to my brother (he's dead by the way and she hadnt spoken to him.in years! ). And so it goes on...and on....and on...every time I visit! Sometimes i become upset and retaliate but what's the use, she doesn't understand. A big part is the dementia and mum not wanting to lose control. As the sister on the ward said people with dementia lose the "filter" part of the brain which is certainly true in my mum's case!!!
Us carers just have to hang in there! Or consider buying a pair of ear plugs! !

Big hugs to all. Xx
Hi Joan, and the others caring for dementia
Please do keep telling yourselves that the real person was before the dreadful disease struck. The nice and the loving was there for decades before the nasties took hold. Deep deep down that counts

Xx