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Unsure what to do - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Unsure what to do

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I think spending a 'holiday' there is an excellent idea - but DO tell (and tell again!) to your mum that it is only a holiday...for now. You are not YET moving in, IF you move in at all.

I can see the logic, given your own disabled status, but I think the ESSENTIAL ESSENTIAL ESSENTIAL thing is to get yourself a joint tenancy.

Look at it this way - since your mum owns no property, and since unless she has a fortune stashed away in savings (?!), if YOU do not go and look after her, the council HAS to pay for care workers to go in, and eventually she WILL be taken into residential care. That will cost the council a FORTUNE! It's insane for them not to snap your hand off by giving you a joint tenancy to save them the cost of having your mum in residential care, possibly for years and years.

You must truly play hardball now with the council. I don't know if others here with more experience of just how bloody ruthless councils are, but you can trust them, as I say, to care about one thing only, and that is MONEY. (ie, not spending it!).

So you can take NOTHING on trust and believe NOTHING except in writing. For example, others here MAY say 'IF you get it in WRITING from the council, AND get that checked by your OWN solicitor, or Shelter, or any disabled charity that knows the wiles and behaviour of councils and how they backtrack on things (!) that yes, you WILL inherit your mother's tenancy if in ANY circumstances she leaves the property - whether that is death, or, as you say, hospitalisation, or being taken into residential care - so that YOUR future accommodation is secure.'

Trouble is, if hers is a two-bedroom flat, then alas it is unlikely they will let you inherit the tenancy as a single person will they???

You could, and this is the fear, end up broke and homeless too. It's horrible, it's scary, but there it is.
In view of your own disability, and your own adapted flat, I really don't think it's wise for you to move. What IS worth considering, is mum moving to a residential care home near you, if she cannot manage on her own. You have lots more life left in you than she does. Did you know that it's a common trait of the very elderly to lose the ability to see things from anyone else's point of view. Self focussed, not selfish, she's not doing it on purpose.
Thanks for the further replies,

On the complete life asessment side Im from Scotland thats why it makes sense for me to spend my remaining years there rather than mum come near me here. Dads buried there so on the future bit of the complete life assesement that bits decided its just how and when etc.

I have to let things evolve a bit as you say things could tick on unchanged for goodness knows how long and what I know for certain at the moment is neither of us is absolutely sure at the moment and as you say jenny the councils are only interested in money and I would need to secure the correct type of tenancy for me, to put it bluntly ,if in the meantime when nothing is decided between mum and me she takes ill and needs care, the council will have my details and should contact me. At that point I would say yes of course ill be there but only if I get the correct tenancy. i.e. the situation resolves itself. If for whatever reason the council are unhelpful at least I can say to myself I tried and my concience is clear (well sort of - I can only do so much ) The other blunt fact is if she dies then the options are off the table . So in some respects life, the system and time play just as much of a role in this as what me and my mum want.

I dont think I could ever make a decision if in my heart I felt my mum didnt want that and at the moment all her conversation is "not at the moment" She maintains she is ok even though I think different but for now things just have to evolve by themselves for a bit.

Tanks again for the advice David
Update- so its almost a year since I posted last and things still haven't been decided on what to do and things have taken a turn for the worse I think or at least it seems that way and id be very grateful for any further advice.

So from last time I posted I was speaking to mum every day and shes saying she is fine and im going through my own problems which meant I couldn't get up to see her until christmas 6 weeks ago. I walked through the door and she was in a state. no food in the cupboard really in a bad way , frightned to go out as she had fell outside a couple of weeks before xmas. She had not been telling me the truth so the time over xmas was spent going to all sorts of agencies doctors and mental heath services etc

We went out got a walker and walking stick but it seems her mental health has got worse because of the fall. Anyway the local social services and mental health and her doctor all know of the situation now but I had to come back to England as I need my own medication and she has interim social suppport care until the care plan takes effect and perhaps ups the hours. At the moment we pay for 2 hours social support privately but my understanding is that the care plan will take come into effect soon and then the hours will be upped and a reduction in cost will be implimented meaning she might for example be awarded 6 hours social support for less than the cost we are paying for the 2 hours at the moment,

So for the time being any thought of me moving in with her to help are gone and im on to a new set of problems - dealling with the relevent agencies. It seems as if they dont want to speak to me- I had asked her doctor to register me as a temporary patien so I could get my medication ,t so I could stay up a bit longer to take her to hospitals for scans etc but they refused and when I got back to England and mentioned this to my doctor they told me that they couldn't have refused if someone had asked them to register as a temporary patient. This fact and also when ive tried to speak to the mental health team that is responsible for her care at the hospital im not even sure if my messages are being passed over the the community nurse.

So im wondering where I stand with regards to confidentiality I.E. being her son do these agencies have to speak to me ? or am I right in thinking that its because of her cofidentiality protection that this is the reason they are not ? My mum askes me to help her each day and its because im so far away that I feel unable to help. About all I can do is speak to her and then if she needs any messages passed on etc I can at least do that and it would be a great help to know the rules regarding me being able to speak for her to these people.

P.S. when I was up seeing mum the social work advised me to get a power off attorney which I did but that only comes into effect once mum is deemed nit having capability by a doctor and its not at that stage yet. Its only me wanting to know best things to say /quote to these agencies etc to get the help.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Hi David

I can only speak from my own experience, but my mum has had times when she's got into a bad state mentally due to anxiety about not being able to mobilise, fear of falling if she went out alone, etc., etc. As soon as people (mostly me!) have stepped in to support her she has started to improve. What I'm trying to say is that it didn't all go downhill forever.

The other thing is that I have been using Power of Attorney for some time, and mum has never been assessed as not having capacity. The bank were happy to issue me with a card on her account. At first I used it just to pay in cheuqes, then to pay for shopping as mum decided she could no longer make it to the shops. The point is that as long as I'm acting in her best interests it is OK to use it.

Do you have PoA for health as well as finance? I wish we had done that. The care home where mum is are quite nice about telling me how she is healthwise but they are not really under any obligation to do so. You should tell all the relevant agencies that you have it, then they should be able to talk to you about mum.

As to the temporary patient thing, I wonder if the doctor was simply not taking on new patients at all? I'm afraid I know nothing about the rules in Scotland.

Wishing you all the best.
Thanks starfish, The power of attorney is for everything i.e. yes health decisions as well as financial but this only comes into effect when my mum is deemed as not having capability by a doctor. This is what I asked the solicitor to do rather than whilst she has capability me being able to have this power. I felt that this was the best option on that for lots of reasons.

To be honest sometimes I think she is just being awkward then I think no she really cant make decisions then the next day she can, it goes back and forth like that and sometimes if I try to push a decision then she fights back , some days are totally different from others and I cant make a decision on what to do in case its the wrong one.

Its just really the best way to deal with the organisations like the social services and the medical side and if they will speak to me or not.is the information that im after at the moment , its hard to know what to do and all that I think I can do is make phone calls on her behalf at the moment im really trying to find out as much as I can about this because so far they dont seem to be doing anything.

Thanks David

Regarding the housing situation.

Speaking for myself here (although would like to think others may feel the same way)

I don't trust the council. I don't trust social services. They both play dirty and their conduct is at best contemptible. They don't even hide it anymore! (no legal aid, many can't afford solicitors, or don't have legal cover on their insurance)

Personally even if I had aforementioned letter in writing, I would be taking it straight to a solicitor for proof reading, confirmation it is what it says on the tin, and then recording/filing of a copy because god forbid you lose the one you were given, its probably the only physical record of the letter actually existing.

Others have covered much of the other areas of your post,

I hope you are able to find a solution for both you and mum.

Best wishes
I just wanted to post an example of what can happen to carers when a loved one goes all out to help a family member.

I had a good job, April 2016, then my Dad passed away and I became Mum's full time carer, claiming Carers Allowance.

It's so easy to see it as a holiday, but when the person you're caring for becomes desperately ill it's 24/7 as every Carer on here will agree with.

Then your Caree gets takens away, really poorly and you have 12 weeks of £62.40 to pay rent, bills, put food on the table then you are alone. No income, No employer will look at you twice as they don't regard caring for a loved one as employment.

Next you can't afford to eat, let alone keep a roof over your head. Every carers nightmare!
David, I did not have health PoA for my husband but he had written a letter saying he wanted me to be given information about his health and treatment. If you don't want to use your PoA yet and think your Mum has capacity could she do this? It might give you a bit more access to the professionals.
Thanks for the further replies, after a couple of weeks fighting with social services and the hospital who moniters her health it seems that its been one mistake after another but at least the hospital have apologised and are now getting into gear but the social services are still being awkward.

So when I arrived at mums in December I took her to the social services and this is when the "care assessment " started and on the advice of the social services "interim" social support was put in place by ourselves of 2hrs per week on one day she would be taken out shopping or whatever. So on friday just gone I spoke to the social services who said case was closed, by their reckoning as she already had support in place she did't need any. So as it happens I know the support worker personally and be both think mum needs more than the 2 hrs. So I complained and the social services backtracked and said ok to 2 hours that they would pay this . So thats how things stand , she is getting 2 hrs paid for by council and we (me and the support worker ) are still pushing for a further 2hrs by way of me complaining and the social support worker and her firm badgering the council so hopefully things will be ok. Its frightening how the system is stacked up against people but the "official " stance paints a perfect picture of the system.