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Trapped - Carers UK Forum

Trapped

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Hi,
I hope I'm in the right place for this. I'm not sure if i'm a proper carer but there isn't anyone i can really talk to about everything. It's all very complicated.

It started when my mother got ill. I was 11 and because i was the oldest i started to do things around the house. It started with helping out with the housework but i soon was doing everything. Everyone got used to treating me like an adult and when she died i guess i sort of became the adult of the familly. Me and my sister went to live with our grandmother and in many ways i took on my mother's role. My grandfather (they are divorced but he lives very close to us) is like a child and requires regular checks on him to make sure he doesn't do anything he shouldn't. For example if a salesman comes to the door he will sign anything that's put in front of him. He has a myriad of health problems most of which is caused by his refusal to follow the doctors orders. I have given up going round and trying to convince him that medical proffessionals arn't actually out to get him.

I thought that i had escaped when i went to uni, that my sister might have to take on some responsibility, but as much as i am the 'adult' she is the baby. I never really got away. Everytime i came home there was a list of problems which needed to be sorted out. By my final year problems with my university tuition fees ( i was deleted off the system and none of my fees were paid causing the university to suspend me for easter term) led me to decide to leave. I decided to take a gap year and actually go on the round the world trip i had been dreaming of.

3 days before i was due to go my grandmother, the only real parent i had ever known, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Goodbye trip. I pretended that i didnt mind but i was so angry. once again i was stuck here. As it turns out it was a misdiagnosis. The tumours were actually benign but putting pressure on the brain. So i thought i could go away again. however, the drugs they gave her caused diabetes and her immune system became compromised and she developed neumonia. This has caused a fairly extended hospital visit where it was discovered she has guillian barrae syndrome.

My life has stopped. If she is to be let out of hospital then i need to be here all the time. I spend my days going to the hospital trying to reassure her that we will be able to go home soon then coming home to an empty house. I know that i cant get a job as the hospital are being extremely unclear as to when she is getting out (could be a few weeks) so i am spending my travelling savings.

There are people that could have helped. my sister isn't really interested in doing anything other than the superficial minimum (despite the fact that she is training to be a nurse) and my uncle lives to far away. My father is ignoring me for not behaving like a duitiful daughter (he is from the middle east and we have extremely different ideas of how i should behave) Instead he is lavishing money on my sister just to drive home the point that she is the favoured one while i spend the money i had saved on keeping the house going.

I feel so trapped. I'm only 21 and i feel so exhausted by everything. I love my grandmother and i dont blame her for everything. It's just the things i have dreamed of, travelling, my career have been taken away from me. I am so unsuited to caring. I never wanted to have to look after anyone else.

I'm sorry that this is such a long post. But everyone is used to me taking care of everything and understanding what i am about to undertake makes me feel like i could scream and scream. i know i sound like i feel very sorry for myself and i'm not even the one who is sick.

Thank you for reading this, I'm not sure i would have the courage to actually tell anyone what's going on.

XXX
Talia, I don't know where to start. But if you are not a carer, I don't know who is.

It seems that no one is listening to you. Please talk to the hospital staff about getting your grandmother's care needs assessed before she leaves hospital. If you do not intend to provide her care, tell them. If you decide you will care for her, then decide what you are willing or able to do and refuse to do any more than that: the authorities will have to find a way to have your grandmother's needs met.

Take care - and visit us often.
Welcome to the forum Talia,

I can only repeat the advice Charles has given you, you must get some professional advice on your grandmother's care before she leaves hospital.

Good luck and keep in touch

Paula xx
just another newbie, I have been reading all the forums and I guess I just felt so trapped along with all the other carers. I have a large family of brother and sisters and like most families I am the one left to care 24-7. I have two teenage boys a 12 year old to look after I work also and I feel that my family could help a lot more, I am not proud i have asked for help from them all also my doctor as I suffer from depression and sciatica . My mother had two strokes and is now confined to a wheelchair she needs all her toilet needs taken care of and all other aspects of her care,got to go talk more later.
Welcome to the forum Talia!

I was 21 when I started caring for my Mum and raising my 2 younger sisters and felt totally on my own. I remember I had all these plans to travel and see the world, but I guess my situation came out of the blue where I didn't have time to think. One day I lived in London had a great job, next day I was back home caring for my Mum and lopking after my sisters, it happened that quick! Not saying that I'd change anything if the clock were turned back and thats near 13 years ago!. But you have time to get things in place, decide what is right for you and your Grandmother. Thinking of you...

I do hope that you'll keep us updated, we are here to help and support where we can.

Take care
Maryann x
Welcome to the forum Mima!

Unfortunately there seems to be in alot of families no matter how big or small, one person left to care alone, you shouldn't feel bad for asking for help, you have alot on with your children and working how on earth do they expect you to cope juggling so many things!

I'm sure you'll find the forum very supportive, there are so many wonderful people here to help and advise!

Take care
Maryann x