Thank you all for your help and support.

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Already, i am feeling much love and understanding for my struggles... just want to thank you all and say to new members, please take note, this is THE ONLY PLACE you will find support and answers for what you face... i am new here, but assure you.. ask and if i can help you... i really will xxxx
I am confident I speak for all those who have responded to you (I don't think I'm out of place here, I hope not!) in saying that this forum most definitely tries to help those who come here 'in desperation' (that was me, a few years ago, though facing nothing nothing nothing like as dire a situation as you are coping with)!

I am very relieved to hear that your mother is likely to be admitted to hospital, as this will give you vital time to take stock of your own situation, and your own reaction to this intensely tormented relationship with your mother.

I wish you all the best in the world, and I do very, very much hope that you can 'escape' and find your freedom at last - freedom from may things.....both in the present and in the past as well.
H, here are a few examples of the kind of organisations and forums to support adults who were abused in childhood -

https://www.havoca.org/

https://napac.org.uk/

http://www.isurvive.org/forum/viewforum ... 40222d26d0

http://www.isurvive.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=22&t=8213

https://forums.psychcentral.com/survivors-abuse/

https://forums.psychcentral.com/survivors-abuse/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/th ... tic-mother

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/alexand ... 98164.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_parent



All that's probably more than enough to be going on with!!! There's huge amounts more, but maybe little by little to come to terms with it and the after effects on you and your siblings?

I simply searched on 'surviving physical abuse in childhood' and 'narcissistic mother'. You may not thing either of these relevant, so up to you - but it could be worth a browse, for all that.

If nothing else, you will know you are not alone in having a 'toxic mother' for whatever reason she was, and is, alas.....

Kindest wishes, as ever, Jenny
I then searched on 'Loyalty to an abusive parent', and found the following


http://www.slate.com/articles/life/fami ... _made.html (in this one, you need to read down a bit, past the first case history, to the pyschiatrist's comments on why abused children stay loyal to an abusive parent, especially when that parent is ailing and feeble.......)

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-e ... sts-child/

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/481040803926887349/

http://thequeenandking.blogspot.co.uk/2 ... arent.html

This last opens with the words:
"Personality disordered parents control their children through manipulation, with little concern for how their parenting behavior will later influence the children's life. Although the parent had little concern, the adult-children of abusive parents often agonize about the obligation to the people who ruined their childhoods and left them with emotional and physical scars. Why should these adult-children have such deep concern and loyalty even at the expense of failing to protect themselves from further harm, especially to a person who had little concern for them in the first place? "

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misplaced_loyalty

This last include the words:

"Part of the conventional therapeutic wisdom is 'that those of us who were unlucky enough to be raised by bad parents also get to be burdened as adults by their demands...we maintain a sense of misguided loyalty'.[3]" and "Psychoanalysis would highlight the accompanying paradox that 'the child, it should be remembered, always defends the bad parent more ferociously than the good'"
Well! Jenny, you've given me a term for my mother! Thank you!
HWheel - it's strange, I was looking this stuff up late last night (always a 'risky' time for emotional heavy-stuff!) (which is why I'm this morning checking whether what I posted was 'OK' or not - or whether I'd come on to poor H in a too 'battering' fashion, which I hope I haven't!)(SO easy for an 'outsider' like me to start spouting 'Now, what you should do is this, and what you are feeling is that, and what the truth about your situation is, is this....blah blah blah, etc etc - which I HOPE I haven't done)(trouble is, I'm a born 'Problem Solver' - see a problem, roll your sleeves up, identify it, id its cause, analyse it, then come up with a plan to sort it out. Bingo, end of, move on to the next problem, etc etc....NOT always what is wanted however!)

But as I was reading the stuff about misplaced loyalty (it's quite spooky how much of these things turn out to be 'real' as in, recognised terms and syndromes in the world of psychotherapy/psychiatry!)(for example, the 'self-obsession' that I deplore in someone suffering from depression, to the extent they ignore the negative impact it has on others, actually has a 'real' term in psychiatry which is 'self-focus'.....), what started to spook me was that I started to see 'echoes' of my own relationship with my mother.

She was either bipolar, or schizophrenic, (these things weren't usually diagnosed in middle class families in the sixties!), but she was VERY 'self-obsessed', as in HER unhappiness dominated our family, and we (dad, bro, me) spent our entire time trying 'to make mum happy' (failed miserably, inevitably). I was incredibly loyal to her, even in adulthood, and in a way it took my SIL to see her as a 'new outsider' and wonder why this sane, sensible family of three people (me, bro, dad) was for EVER pussyfooting around this one other person (mum).....

I'm STILL very loyal to my mother's memory, but I do now see her with 'clearer' eyes. Her OVERRIDING redemptive feature was that she was, truly, devoted to us, in that her demonstrative love for us was always there, and we never ever were lacking in affection and love, etc etc. That doesn't mean she didn't inflict a lot of 'emotional demands/neediness' as well, but we ALWAYS knew she loved us and was NEVER cold or rejecting.

Families, eh? Tricky things!!!!!
You were lucky, then. My mother wanted me to be her barbie doll/best ever friend. I'd estimate her emotional age as about 8 or 9, and her intelligence level as - to be blunt - very thick. I came second in her affections after her mother, who treated me as a burden. There are other factors but I can't recall any emotional positive experiences. Thankfully, I recall hardly anything of my childhood at all, so I've obviously protected myself.

I think the most difficult for people in H's situation is that, from talking to people, physical abuse is quite difficult to 'forget'. It's probably easier to blank out a lack of something. Even so, I'm aware that some people do manage to 'forget' physical abuse.

H - I'd really recommend finding a good counsellor that you get on with and having a short course of counselling. Say 6-10 sessions. Then let that settle and consider having another 6-10 sessions a year or so later, or when things get on top of you again. I found that pattern much better than an intensive course of more. It enables the mind and the heart to have some time to sort through the impact and start forming new patterns of thinking/behaving.
I agree on 'pacing' the counselling - it took years of abuse to produce the mindset you have, so it cannot be undone in an 'instant revelation'.

HWheel - that description of being her Barbie doll and best friend, ties in with what I was reading about NP (Narcissistic Personality) mums, who regard their children as their 'personal toys', whose role is to make the mum look good in the eyes of others, and to bind with a 'loyalty' of a 'best friend' that can't be broken, therefore, when the child grows up.....
Re physical abuse being hard to forget....

one of the case studies I read last night online about the issue, was about a woman who had just had her first child in a happy marriage, and the 'present' sent to her by her parents was the 'paddle' that had been used on her to beat her with as a child.....

One poster advised her to take a video of her burning it to ashes, and posting the video to the parent.....
When you are born you only know your parents, and whatever they do is "the norm". I cannot understand why it's only been since mum died that I realised just how odd my childhood was. Never EVER eating a meal at a restaurant as a family, for example - only ever food from a bakery - because you never knew how clean the kitchens were! 10 dining tables in mum's house when she died (and more of hers at my brother's house) yet she was too disabled to EVER invite us round for a meal. No memories of going down the beach with mum - only with dad. I'm sure dad had high functioning Asperger's, no social skills, always interrupting when someone was talking, to talk about something he wanted to talk about.
How on earth did I miss all this for 60+ years?!
It took counselling for me to "see the light". I'm sure it will help others too.
Yesterday, I came across this on Facebook.

"If you don't leave your past in the past, It will destroy your future.
Live for what today has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away."


Food for thought for many of us.