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Carers UK Forum • Supporting mum with depression and alcoholism
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Supporting mum with depression and alcoholism

Posted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 5:19 pm
by Sky
Hi all. I'm a newbie to the forum. I thought I'd join to hopefully speak with some people in a similar situation to me. I'm completely lost as to what to do with my Mum. I'll try to explain my situation as short as possible!

I'm 26 and for as long as I can remember my Mum has suffered from some level of depression. From what I can remember this got much worse about 13 years ago when my Grandfather (her father) passed away. She started drinking heavily, began talking to men online and then having affairs with them, she would be horrible to both me and my Dad.

Eventually enough was enough for my Dad and he left her. At this stage I was living away from home, about 50 miles away and so my little sister (who was about 12 at the time) was left at home with my Mum. My Mum was constantly drunk and/or crying. She wasn't looking after my sister properly. On my 22nd birthday she set fire to her matress and then went out. My sister came back from school to find the fire brigade at home. Soooo...I decided to move back home with my boyfriend. I tried everything to try to help my Mum stop drinking and get some help with her depression, but she was just so dismissive of any help offered to her. Me and my boyfriend were providing pretty much all of the care for my sister. Eventually, I suggested that my Mum move in with her Mum and my Dad move back in the house.

My Mum is now living in her own house and I now again live about 50 miles away. Every time I go to see her all she talks about is herself and her problems - her arm hurts (because she fell over drunk a few years ago, breaking it and it hasn't properly healed), her dishwasher is leaking, her car is breaking etc. etc. She moans about my Dad. She never asks me how I am. I bought my first house over a year ago... she hasn't come to see it. I feel like I'm constantly giving, but never getting anything back. About a year ago she asked me to stay with her for a week whilst she tried to give up drinking, which I did and really tried everything to be supportive. She did give up for about 3 weeks, but then slipped back again. Then a few weeks ago she forwarded me the same email but also saying 'its happened again' since she found out my Dad has a new partner. I decided that I couldn't keep sacrificing myself by going to stay with her and so told her that while I will always be here for her as a daughter, I felt she needed professional help. I suggested counselling, AA, mental health team support, maybe even rehab. Her response was: mental health team are a waste of nhs money, AA is just a social club and how the hell am I going to afford rehab!

She keeps sending me horrible texts, yet moans that I don't go and see her more often. I feel so horrible and neglectful for not going to stay with her while she tries to give up drinking but I just don't think anything is going to change unless she excepts outside help. I don't know what to do for the best.

If anyone has got any ideas or words of wisdom please let me know. Or, indeed if you think I am being out of order and neglectful, please be honest! Sorry for rambling!

Re: Supporting mum with depression and alcoholism

Posted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 7:10 pm
by Bluebird
Firstly, hello and welcome!

I don't have any words of wisdom as luckily I have never been in this situation, but I certainly don't think you are being neglectful or out of order at all.
Someone will be along with some help soon.

Re: Supporting mum with depression and alcoholism

Posted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 8:17 pm
by crocus
Hello sky
I dont think you are neglectful or out of order, I think you are in an impossible situation.
The trouble with alcoholism is that unless the person actually wants to stop drinking there is nothing you can do. I think that the stand you have taken is probably the best you can do.
Im sorry, I dont have any pearls of wisdom.

Re: Supporting mum with depression and alcoholism

Posted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 9:04 pm
by juneo
Sky , hello & welcome ,
Just to let you know your not alone with this problem i have first hand knowledge of this( family member), which i never admit to anyone. Its such a hard thing
to help anyone with,firstly they have to admit they have a problem Image you cant do it for them & believe me i have tried, i have sat in A&E all hours of the night i have begged them to help, i have begged Gps , i tried it all , in the end i stopped visiting because what i didnt know couldnt hurt me Image , someone said to me once they have to hit rock bottom which my F/M did & has since had a Detox & takes every day as it comes ,as your Mom been to see her GP, thats the place to start, because if it is a bad as my F/M the sudden withdrawal of the drink can cause fits ,so it needs to be done with medical help, or we have local helplines that can point her in the right direction & will be more of a help to her ,but she must want to stop,if you need to PM me thats ok , i couldnt not reply your post touched a nerve , Juneo

Re: Supporting mum with depression and alcoholism

Posted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 8:30 pm
by india77
Hello Sky and welcome Image