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Struggling with mum (2) - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Struggling with mum (2)

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Thanks for your support and advice
We need to do something or I feel I'm heading for a breakdown x
Then take time out from caring for mum.
If you don't put yourself first, no one else will. I learned this way too late in life. If no one likes it, tough.
If mum has plenty of money, but chooses not to use it, then she must take the consequences of her decisions.
I have the impression that she behaves like Queen Bee with daughters running round at her beck and call?
Does she contribute towards your travelling expenses?
Give you anything for the time you devote for her?
Hi,
Yes, she does give me some petrol money. Unfortunatley it's easier said than done to not do my share
I'm just exhausted ,mentally and emotionally with the whole thing. In fairness, I have a lot of other stresses going on and it's everything together is all just too much.
We have suggested maybe she goes into a care home for 2 weeks for respite ( for us not her !) and I thin that would be a start.
Does anyone else find the whole care thing depressing? And any tips to help? x
You don't have to ask her to go into a care home to give you a break.
You have to say when you will not be able to care for her.
Mum then has a choice. Either carers or residential care.

I know just how hard all this is, believe me. Only now mum has died do I realise how I was emotionally manipulated for years. Even when I'd just come out of hospital after life saving surgery mum was thinking of herself first.
My abdomen had been opened right up, what a male friend called a "guts out" scenario, my scar has faded now but it's over 12" long.
Mum had taken to her bed while I was in hospital, then her carers mucked up her front door locks and I was the only one with a spare. My husband had to take me over, I couldn't drive. When I said to mum I needed to sit down, she asked me "what's the matter"!!!!
Even worse, mum's GP and Social Services tried to bully me into looking after mum over Christmas, just a few days later.
Finally discharged from hospital after a 5 months stay (it turned out mum couldn't walk because she had broken her leg) again I was bullied by the hospital to care for mum. They wanted me to do "a bit of shopping" for her when I couldn't even do my own shopping.
No one cared about me, my role as far as everyone concerned was that of slave.

My husband spent years looking after his parents, my parents, and our brain damaged son. He DIED at the age of 58 of a massive heart attack. I'll always believe the stress of it all was a major contributary cause.

When did you last take a holiday for a week?
Why not? Emotional blackmail?

No one realises how much you are doing until you stop doing it. Your life is every bit as important as mum's.
Hi
Sorry you have had such a difficult time.

I see history repeating itself in my family. My mother and sisters looked after her elderly mum, who was very ill and should have been in a home. I saw the consequences of this on many lives, finances etc Even my mother said many years later that it hadn't been good for anyone.

I did have a week holiday in November, but that seems an age ago now. I have another week booked for June, but it's not enough.
My caring issues are made worse by other problems I have going on, so need to sort those as well, all adding up to feeling so overwhelmed I can't make a decision.
x
Kathy, when I was totally overwhelmed, newly widowed, newly disabled, I had counselling.
It was hugely helpful being able to talk to someone who focussed on me and my wellbeing, not talking to people who always wanted me to do more for them.
Write a list of everything bothering you, and shuffle it into priority order - easiest to do on a computer.
Then concentrate on the top things.
Your mum wants you and your sisters to do things, but try to think how she would manage if you were all ill, unable to support her. Unless you make a stand, she will ruin your life, expecting more and more until she dies. This happened to a friend of mine. His mum died at 104! Then he was too old to realise any of his own dreams.
I have just joined, and feel similarly to you, it's good to know we are not alone with such things.
Hi,
Yes, it's nice to know we are not alone.
I never knew how hard it would be until I was in this position xx