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- Member
Mon Feb 07, 2022 6:12 am
Hello all, just done an internet search to see if I can find anyone in similar situations to me... Same story as thousands of others; 60 year old female struggling with an elderly mother. I have a sister who lives near her, but fell out with us both some years ago. There are times when I’m jealous of her... I wish I could walk away. Late last night I admitted the words to myself that I just don’t like my mum anymore. Isn’t that awful? She is so demanding and whatever I do, it’s never good enough. I work, and there are times when I wonder if it would be better just to pack it in. Then sometimes I feel like packing it in and not telling her... I try so hard to accommodate taking her to all her doctors, dentist, hospital appointments but sometimes I just can’t make one. She then goes around bad-mouthing me to everyone, telling them how I ‘won’t’ take her. Not ‘can’t. I know it’s pedantic, but it just rankles. On Saturday, I got a call at midnight to say she was in A&E and they’d let me know when she was ready to come home. At 1.45 am, I got into my car, went to the hospital and took her home. I couldn’t sleep when I got home so stayed up. My husband and I then spent the day shopping for food and cooked her 15 meals to freeze. Took them to her, and she tells me that the doctor in A&E was going to come out and tell me off for ‘neglecting’ her!!! How I kept my temper, I do not know. He may or may have not said that, but the fact is she’s been filling his head with stories about me, and how awful I am. The daughter who has spent 11 years first of all helping with my dad with dementia and now her. I work part time because I can’t cope with full time. Sometimes I want to scream at her and tell her how much money I’m losing each year because of that decision. My decision, but nevertheless. In two weeks, she has a hospital appointment 35 miles away that will take 2/3 hours. I really want to go to work that day as I can’t let others down. I could see how angry she was when I told her. My husband will take the day off and take her, but I feel so guilty about inflicting her onto him. Like so many others, I feel like my life is ebbing away. Me and my husband should not be ruled by her. I’ve booked for us to go away in March and already I’m concerned that we won’t get there. Or if we do, I’ll be feeling guilty. She drives him mad as well. He is so patient, but I get so angry and take it out on him some days because he’s the only one that I can tell my darkest thoughts to. The one I haven’t said to him is that this could go on for another 15 years; my grandmother was 99 when she died. In 15 years my husband will be 83 and although he is fit and healthy now, I will then be caring for him. I just despair at times and want to run away from everything. My anger over my sister is all consuming. This sounds really bad, but my mum has written her will and left half to her, despite the fact what we haven’t seen her since my dad’s funeral when she waltzed in and then left. It’s what my dad would have wanted, she said. Then sometimes I calm down and see that she is an old lady with failing health, can hardly walk, and probably hates being dependent on me as much as I hate it. She still misses my dad and talks about him all the time. They were married for 63 years and it must be awful. Her world has shrunk. Sometimes I do try to get her out but she struggles to get in my car and has a bladder the size of a thimble, so we can only go short journeys, so we just sit in her house with me acting like a sulky teenager (or wanting to!). I did get a bit of respite reading a book by Stephanie Calman called How (not) to kill your mother. The ‘not’ is in very small letters and it caught my attention. It’s a brilliant book. The bit where her sister throws away all their mother’s rank tea towels... Do try and get a copy. Anyway, I’ve ranted on enough. I’ve been awake since 3.30 am brooding over whether I should go to A&E and tell the doctor my side of the story!
