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struggling to cope :( - Carers UK Forum

struggling to cope :(

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Hi so my names gemma I'm 24 and have been caring for my mum for the past 2 years (she's only 48 by the way) she has a undiagnosed brain disorder which makes her act child like, speak slowly, very weak and unmotivated .... It's so hard to deal with she used to be so strong and smart (she used to be a teacher) but now the roles have reversed I have to act so mature it drained me ... I'm a only child and very little family so don't have much support ... I also work 20-30 hours per week as well as all housework, cooking all meals, bathing my mum, any shopping and all other general day to day stuff ... I'm so bitter towards the situation I often feel like I hate her have suicide thoughts towards myself and even really want to physically hurt her ( I don't by the way) but I really have to control my angry, I find the situation hard to understand and don't understand her illness probably because it's still undiagnosed ... I just want to know if it's normal to be this angry ... I feel so selfish that I can't cope and have horrible guilt when I get angry ... Any advice from anyone would be appreciated xxxx
Gemma, have you had a carers assessment to identify your needs as a carer?
Gemma, that's a huge responsibility for anyone of any age. Impossible to maintain for very long without making yourself ill. Have a look at the Help and Advice tab at the top of the page, if you click here you will find lots of basic information. I can't understand why the hospital haven't diagnosed mum's problems, and supported mum more. I think it would be worth asking her GP to do more to get a proper diagnosis.
Hi gemma & welcome.

You are not alone feeling the way you do. As no1mum & Bellingham have said, you need to get an assessment done and get your GPs help in a propped diagnosis so that you can get a propped support package in place for both you and your mum.

I do hope you find this site helpful. There are a lot of friendly & helpful people here who can offer advice, or just an ear when you need one.

Take care, kiki xx
Hi Gemma
I can't really offer any advice that the others haven't already said but I can offer sympathy and support. I look after my mum who has very complex emotional and physical needs. It is absolutely draining so I fully understand how you feel. I am a mum of two daughters and I would hate for them to have to manage what you are dealing with. Take time for yourself lovely and get that assessment done so you can get some help.
Hi Gemma

First of all here's a BIG HUG!!!!!

I have been a carer since I was 25 (that's 22 years ago) - though my father has been ill since I was 15. So I can totally understand where you are coming from.

I've popped down some links for you - to get you started

http://www.nhs.uk/carersdirect/moneyand ... rview.aspx

Plus request a Homecare assessment via Social Services

This also is an excellent link for you to investigate

You can also check out
http://www.nhs.uk/CarersDirect/yourself ... ecare.aspx

Speak to Social Services, have them do a home visit with an O/T assessment at the same time. They are really helpful and will get you and your mum everything you need. Explain to them that you are at your wits end and need help from them as well - so if they can think of any thing, please let you know.

That's what I said - cause the service is now reactive rather than proactive. You may find they think of things you would have never considered.

Tell them when was the last time you had a day off - which would have been over 2 years ago! Explain to them that you are in crisis and also have a chat with your own GP(make a double appoint to give you time for this conversation) to have your crisis noted on your medical files. If needs be, you can then get Social Services to contact your mother's GP for more help.

Then make an appointment (with your mother) to her GP to arrange for this 'undiagnosed brain disorder' to be properly investigated. This just keep going on - your mother is missing out on vital medical help, plus; it's not fair on you.

You are missing the best years of your life and this will make you bitter in the future and then you will resent your mother for this. And that isn't fair on either of you, especially if she lives for another 40 years.

Kick the GP's butt if necessary!

I don't get much help, but something is better than nothing.

My heart is with you
All I would add is this (apart from my HUGE HUGE SYMPATHY for you in this dreadful situaton) -

Yes, it's perfectly normal to feel angry, perfectly normal. Do not worry about that feeling.

What is important, though, is to keep that feeling 'separate' from your daily routines and care, so that the fantasies you have about suicide and death remain just that - fantasies! But the fantasies may be, at the moment, vital 'safety valves' for you.

Your situation is not sustainable, nor supportable, and you definitely need to press every button available to get the help you need to cope with your mum's needs, as others here are recommending. You have been thrown into brutal adulthood at a very, very young age, and are carrying a huge, huge burden in being such a young carer.

I hope that, once you have engaged the help that is out there (as advised) things will start to ease off, and you will find it easier to cope as the burden lifts just enough to keep you going for the time being.

There are several other 'young carers' here, in their twenties, so hopefully you will be able to share with them, as well as those who became carers at your age.

All the very best to you in such sad and difficult circumstances, Jenny.
I just wanted to say hello as the others before me have given good advice.
Sending you a hug xx
Just adding a wee hug from me too xx
hi gemma,

we all feel for you gemma, not a good situation to be in.

i would just like to add that if and when you decide to go down the cares assessment route, please don't play down your situation. however difficult it feels, you have to use the worse day ever scenario when dealing with social services. You have a life too and should be living it to the full.

we are all thinking about you gemma, please keep posting on this forum, i have found it such a help to release your feelings to people who wholeheartedly understand.

pam x