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Guilt and worry about having to get mum outside care. - Carers UK Forum

Guilt and worry about having to get mum outside care.

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Hi. My name is Sue. My mum has Parkinson's, and, since my dad died last June from cancer, my sister and I have had increasing care commitments for my mum. We love our mum, but, things in the last month have been TOO much as we are at breaking point. My sister works, but I cannot; I am self-employed, but my business with my partner is suffering financially. Not a bean coming in and I can't work as I have to look after my mum virtually 24/7; my sister, of course, pitches in,but she has to fit care in around her work pattern and days off. Today, we arranged to get some help for mum;this means that for up to a month we and our partners get a break, and we will have a better understanding of her care needs from health care professionals. As mum's condition is now very serious, we know that she needs full time care. BUT, although we had no choice but to get help,as this is a genuine crisis for us all and we want the best for mum, I am sitting here at home feeling SO guilty and bad, knowing that mum is so scared and alone tonight.Obviously, we will still see and care for her(but on a lesser scale for up to a month until we have 'the bigger picture'), but having strangers in to care for an elderly frail lady has GOT to be traumatic. Has anyone else out there felt the same?
Welcome Sue! I can understand your concerns and I know something about PD having had the diagnosis myself for a long time and know others with PD. I would recommend requesting an assessment from your mother's local authority. It is unrealistic for you to do all the caring, all the time. You ought not to feel guilty. By initiating a request for long term help for your mum, you will be helping her continue to live in her home for longer and more safely. And it will take some pressure off you.

Also, You need to make sure your mother is getting all the financial help she is entitled to. Others here are better versed on that front.
Online benefits calculator perhaps ?

Time for that mot on current benefits / allowances out there ?


Everything available being claimed ?

Always recommended ... a financial doctor online for a finances health check.
Please do not rule out care homes! My MIL has been in three, and the first and second were delightful! (She has dementia, and the third is a bit more 'heavy duty' alas, as her condition worsened - ie, more like a nursing home than a residential home in many ways).

It could be that your mum would 'take' to a nice care home. Not only would there be staff on call day and night for her, but she would have companionship and 'something going on'.

My MIL's second care home was like a 'hotel for OAPs' - it was absolutely lovely - the rooms overlooked the gardens, the staff were friendly and cheerful, the meals were good and convivial, and every day there was a programme of events in the resident's lounge (other quiet lounges were also available), if they wanted to join in, or just simply watch and observe from the sidelines.

When I visited, I took MIL out for drives, lunches and cream teas - then drove her back and was able to 'hand her in' for the staff to 'take over' and look after her again.

We tend to only hear about the 'bad' care homes, in the news, but the good ones are nothing like that! As I say, think 'hotel of OAPs'....or maybe a 'stationary cruise'!