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Stressed and So Upset - Carers UK Forum

Stressed and So Upset

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Morning Everyone, I’m Dawn and new to the forum. I was looking for some help or maybe just to vent.
My husband has been disabled for nearly 10 years following brain tumour surgery. It was a benign tumour but he suffered horrific complications inc not able to walk, speech impediment, 50% deaf, neuropathic pain and difficult movement on left side.
He believes this was done deliberately and I was part of that conspiracy. Every day is hell.
I work full time too as a housing officer to keep a roof over our heads.
Today just for example his neuropathic pain is worse and apparently I have put something in his tea to cause this! So all morning he has called me ‘Serpent’ as in the man years ago who did poison people. I am so upset and devastated and have no one to turn to. We have two sons who don’t live at home, they have been very supportive but both have busy intense jobs so I can’t bother them.
I have no friends to turn to and extended family are not interested as they believe I should have left a long time ago.
My husband constantly tells me he wants a divorce and that he will only be free if I was dead.
I can’t write anymore as I’m upsetting myself even more then I already feel.
Thank you for listening x
Hi Dawn and welcome to the forum
Have you told your husband's GP of these accusations? Could be delirium episodes or psychotic.
My lovely late husband had deliurium and I was accused of all sorts. Was horrible. He eventually was prescribed anti psychotic medication which definitely helped. Wasn't his fault as due to his strokes and dementia but wasn't always easy to cope with.
Please don't bear this alone. Speak to the GP or contact headway.
I feel very sad for you.
Hi, Thank you for responding to my post. I know there are others out there getting the same treatment and my thoughts are with you all. I’m sorry you went through it too.
The GP is aware, the mental health team are aware, I have approached Headway anyone else relating to head injury but no help. He is waiting for a psychology appointment but he lied to them before too. He will not tell them what he believes. He plays a very clever game be it on purpose or not. He refuses any ‘mental health’ meds. Iv even self harmed to try to stop the abuse.
He is also seeing UCL rehab in August and I’m hoping that they take him away from me for a few months to be honest.
Being a carer is a very lonely world x
One of our very wise and helpful members of the forum has often recommended recording abusive episodes as proof of what is actually happening. Are you able to do this. If your husband is devious enough ( or doesn't realise what he is doing) then you need to show what is happening. Your life is very important too.
How old is your husband?
I could not live with someone who belittled me constantly.
Marriage is a two way street, you love each other, and would do anything for each other.
This is not the man you married, it's not his fault, but even more it's not your fault, in any way, shape or form.

It it's got to the stage where you are self harming, then you simply CANNOT go on like this. Something has to change.
It won't be him, so it has to be you, to do this you are going to need support.
First, ask Social Services for a Carers Assessment (no need for your husband to know, have it done elsewhere) and ask them to fund some counselling.
It's a marriage in name only now.
Who owns the house?
Does he claim disability benefits?
Oh Dawn, don't do this to yourself. You said he wants a divorce, let him have one and be gone.

Self harming is a huge ringing alarm bell. Get yourself out of that situation if you can.

You said you are a housing officer. If one of your tenants was in your situation, what would you advise them?

Has your workplace got an employee health care section? You can speak to them in confidence and they will do phone calls or appointments in works time so your husband won't know you are reaching out for help.

My Mum's husband (my Dad but would prefer not to call him that) was always a bit nasty and condescending to Mum but when he got diagnosed with cancer, he went into beast mode. The amount of verbal abuse Mum and I received was frightening. We were blamed for his cancer, it was all our fault, we never did anything for him, we never let him do what he wanted blah blah blah. Towards the last 6 months, he kept telling us to throw him in the garden and let him die because we were useless. Mum got so annoyed with him for being so ungrateful, she once said "right, let's do this". I wish we had done!!!

I know he was in a lot of pain and it's not nice to suffer but blaming someone who is running around after you 24/7, cooking, cleaning, hospital appointments is not acceptable. I went from full time to part time so I could go to all his chemo appointments but even that was not good enough.

Good luck.
Hello

Welcome to our forum. This must be an extremely upsetting situation for you Dawn have you considered coming along to one of our weekly 'Care for a Cuppa' sessions, we run them every Monday. It's a great way to meet other carers who are in a similar situation, support each other and share tips. There's no pressure to share anything you're not comfortable with. We also run Share and Learn sessions also on the link attached.
It would be great to see you there, here's the link.

https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... ne-meetups

with best wishes
Ingrid