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Still caring for husband with bi polar disorder. - Carers UK Forum

Still caring for husband with bi polar disorder.

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hello out there,

Been married for 25 years this year, but couldn't take any more of the chaos so my sixteen year old son and I moved out of the marital home on August 13th. I rent a small home, and am working 30 hours a week at the local school as the job fitted in with caring not only for a severely mentally ill husband but for a very large old house and even larger gardens, huge in fact, my husband could not really help maintain the place. The remit was that while he was stable sell up and downsize, so that if he became manic again I could at least still work but would not have the added stress of looking after such an old rambling property.

The manic episodes last anything up to a year, increasing in severity from begining to end and ending in chaotic, unstable, totally crazy behaviour that knows no boundries. The person you knew as a husband or father no longer exists. He is verbally and so cruelly abusive, and all of lifes disasters are my fault. It doesn't matter that when more stable and aware he thanks you for caring for him when others would hate, and that he knows the difficulty the family faces each and every day.

He looks mad in these episodes, he also self medicates with alcohol and illegal substances, he is under the 'care' of a mental health team who are totally unable to help, as he has to become well to help himself.

Since I left two months ago, he has wrecked the home, had people stay who are known to the police, drug users and such, and because of the mental health of his 'lodgers', they fight amongst themselves and one such altercation resulted in my husband chasing after his 'friends' with a knife, screaming at the top of his voice. For this incident he was arrested, and is appearing at Crown Court in the near future. He has also tried to set fire to himself using kerosene actually in the house, which led to no damage to him, but the house took the brunt. I even received from my insurers the cause of damage as he had called in the accessors to make a claim, It stated that the owner had caused damage to his own home without knowing he was doing so, as he is unwell!

I can't divorce him, as he won't comply, I can't remove him as it is his house as well, and he won't let anyone who cares into this half life he lives as they might disrupt his mania. (His psychiatrist has told me manias are more pleasurable for the recipient to the depressive state.) He is having unprotected liasons with other vulnerable women, whilst the home is full of people, our daughter witnessing one such act whilst she called to pick up some of her belongings, urinating in the street, while people watch who are his neighbours and one time friends.

He was working part time when I was with him, but now he is at home doing nothing, spending money that he hasn't got, and talks to me with such venom as I had the audacity to leave him. Everyone around including people from his family and a few friends he has left cannot believe this is the same man. Still he cannot be sectioned, I am now not able to talk to his mental health team, as in July he told them he didn't want me to be his carer any more.
It isn't as easy as that. I am in a different house, I am working to support my son, and pay the rent, but his behavior does affect us all, even though we are no longer offically his carers. The fact his is wrecking our home, the only finacial thing we have left, he rings members of the family if he overdoses, if he needs picking up from court, and due to the fact he has no insight what so ever he doesn't understand why everyone is so concerned for his safety and for those around him. They call this 'care in the community', and when I ask what the remit is to have someone sectioned I am told that if a person is a danger to himself and or others. This has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, and we still care but get the fallout from his actions, but no help. The husband that I knew would be appalled if he could see himself now, he may have been a bit moody as a young man, but this is most definately an illness that gets very little help to those who care, and those who suffer the illness.

I'm exhausted but still have to carry on, even though I feel isolated, I live nearly three hundred miles away from my primary family members, and they all have lives of their own with there own sets of problems. I feel at my wits end, but keep up the pretence of coping as that is all I can do, fake it to make it so they say. My son is suffering too, his dad has dissappeared, and he has had to grow up so fast without much fun either. My daughter moved out at 19 as she couldn't take any more. Finacially I help them both, and I don't earn a great deal myself.

I know I can't throw the towel in, but I do need to speak to other carers, that know just what I am going through.

Sorry for the long introductory email, and althouth it contains no laughs, it does still remain full of hope for our future.

Regards all

Treez
Hi Treez

Moved your topic to make sure people see it and respond. You certainly have your hands full, but it's outside my experience, I'm afraid. No doubt someone will be along!
Hi

My son is ASD and bioplar...it is like hell on wheels at times...never ending. {{{hugs}}}. Just a note to say...you can divorce your hubbie without him complying on grounds of unreasonable behaviour or 5 years apart.

I do not understand why he is not being sectioned as he is clearly at risk of harm to himself and so are others by him.

Care in the community stops when he is endangering lives. Getting him arrested might speed up the process...he's claiming you were responsable for the burning he did insurance wise? then have him arrested for damage and distruction of your property. Get him in court somehow!

Your story is one of my pet dreads about my own son growing up, I can see him doing this. I think you also have legal right to take the house from him and sell if you can get him Non compos mentis.

I'm sorry I am not able to really help much but others on here might be able to advise you better.
Hi Treez and welcome Image
Outside of my experience too, here you will find both friends and support Image
Hi and Welcome

Sorry I've no experience of this either the closest I've had is dealing with downward spirialing alcoholics.
However we are all here to listen and offer a cyber shoulder when ever you need it
Hi Teresa- sorry to hear of your rotten situation. I can't see why getiing a divorce should be problematic- surely you have grounds for a divorce because of your husband's unreasonable behaviour?
Hi Teresa,
No experience of this, just wanted to welcome you to the forum.
Take care
Minnie
Hi Teresa

I am so sorry to hear of the awful situation you are in. It must have been so hard to bring up your children in those circumstances. I had different circumstances when my children were young but I think that no matter what the caring situation it is difficult on the children. Being a single parent I had to take my children with me at all hours of the night if my caree needed me or was being taken to hospital.

It seems to me that carers in various ways are being pushed to the limit and there are some who are now giving up their caring roles. I have been seriously pushed over the limit because the hospital refused to listen to what I told them about my caree's allergies to certain medications, they repeatedly tried to discharge him despite me telling them that he was not well enough and the allergies would set in soon.

I feel that despite the difference that your caree has mental health conditions and my caree has only physical health conditions, we are dealing with the same thing here. The authorities are not listening to the carers, the people who in right in the middle of it. I dont see the point of me being here if I am not being listened to by the medics/nurses. I gave up my life to be his carer and have had years of stress and worry without so much as an ounce of understanding and I too am probably going to disappear.

I kept saying that carers should have been treated better but to be left to suffer for years is not acceptable. My children now adults will never be my carers they would not do it after what they have seen and I would not allow it. They dont allow their children to do anything other than visit relatives at normal times of day. I am glad that Carers are now beginning to see what is really happening here.

Little Lamb
Hello All,

Just to say thanks for listening to my situation. I am still in the thick of it, but just by writing it down, and knowing that someone will read it helps a little. One day it has to change for the better, and I have got to keep strong so I will move forward and not sink.

Thanks again,

Treez
Hello out there,

I rent a small home, and am working 30 hours a week at the local school as the job fitted in with caring not only for a severely mentally ill husband but for a very large old house and even larger gardens, huge in fact, my husband could not really help maintain the place. The remit was that while he was stable sell up and downsize, so that if he became manic again I could at least still work but would not have the added stress of looking after such an old rambling property.

Regards all

Treez
I have been thinking a lot about this bit...I'm not sure if I am reading it wrong...does he still live in this old house and you are looking after it as well as your new place?