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Should I financially support a friend with anxiety ? - Carers UK Forum

Should I financially support a friend with anxiety ?

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I have been supporting my friend for over 10years who has anxiety and recent depression. She has lost her job, stopped her antidepressants, disengaged from CBT and is not leaving her home and refusing to see me only agreeing to phone contact. My dilemma is: she is at risk of homelessness-do I pay her rent or do I allow her bit rock bottom in the hope that it will make her reconsider accessing support?
Your call: if you can afford it, why not? After all, what are friends for? B)
I have only just read your post. It might help you reach a decision if I told you about my own experience. A good friend of 40 years who lives a long way away became severely depressed after giving up her job to be a live-in carer for her mum for 10 years. I could not visit because of my own caring problems and she cut herself off. Our contact became limited to occasional letters from her, on the lines of "When Mum goes, it will be my turn." I tried to keep sending cheerful news, but she never commented back. All I got was a few scrawled lines. A mutual friend, who is single and still earning, sent her some money after her mum died. I did my bit by researching what benefits she could claim as a single, unemployed person and sent her all the information. She took the huff because I "interfered" and now won't even talk to me on the phone. This hurts. Our mutual stopped giving her money because she was doing nothing to sort her life out. They still have some contact, but not much. The point of telling you all this is that I don't think well-meaning outsiders can help. I think your friend would just take the money and not change her ways. Depression is a medical condition, and people with depression need medical help. If they won't seek medical help, friends and family can't get through to them. You are doing your bit as a friend but you cannot run her life for her. She has to make her own decisions.
I agree, sadly, with Marianne. She will probably accept the money/rent paid, but still do nothing.

However, what you might try, if you can afford it (easily), and if it 'salves' your conscience (we cannot save all the people in need in the world, so salving our conscience is an essential part of all human life), is this:

You could talk to her on the phone, and tell her that you are prepared to pay her rent for one month (no more than that) on the following conditions -

- she sees you face to face
- she resumes taking her antidpressants
-she goes to her CBT meetings again
- she takes whatever action is needed to make herself solvent again, whether that's by getting another job or doing the paperwork to claim benefits.

She MUST start 'bootstrapping' her self back to mental health.

IF she does that, you'll pay her rent for one month.

If she refuses, walk away. You could write to her GP maybe (even though obviously h/she can't respond, at least it will let him know the situation) or even her social worker if she has one, or possibly even write to her landlord (because he may be able to 'action' some sort of DWP help for her???). Then, yes, you walk away.

Depressed people are, grimly, often incapable of helping themselves, and need professional help. She may even need to be sectioned. Being made homeless might actually serve to 'trigger' social services into taking action on her.

But she has two options - change (heal) or end up 'instituionalised'.

Please do not get sucked into helping her without her doing something to help herself in return. She (the 'depressed' she) will take and take and take and take and take.....all you will be doing by helping her is enabling her depression to continue. Don't do it.

It's hard saying 'no' to friends, or those we feel sorry for, but you have to think of the longer term.

All the best Jenny
No. You don't know what the future holds for you. Give your time, support, and friendship. Help if you can to arrange counselling, appointments etc. etc. but not your money. I was disabled in a car accident which affected everything in my life, I lost my husband when he was 58. Undoubtedly these two traumatic events have affected me.
As someone with bipolar disorder i agree with jenny and marianne you sound like a lovely friend but realistically you cant pay for your friends rent. Unless you are extremly rich and the sort of giving person who doesnt expect anything in return. Firstly how would you give her the money, you say she is refusing to see you so unless you had access to her bank account you could not give her money anyway. And its probably best not to get involved with that because she may feel resentful. I had a wonderful friend who helped me practically with housework and emotional support this did not cost her money but i knew she cared for me. Sadly she died but firstly i was happy to have the help and when she in her turn needed emotional support and food on several occasions i did that. But sadly if your friend because of her illness doesnt want to see you there is not much you can do about that. Keep phoning her if she finds that supportive but set boundaries on what you can cope with. This is not being unkind just looking after yourself. Suggest to her that she can do other therapys if cbt does not suit her i didnt like cbt either. And have different antidepressants. But if she doesnt want advice just be a kind listening ear. When you have depression when other people tell us how to treat it it can sound critical and make us feel more a failure. Sometimes we just want a cheery voice and a cuddle. And then we are more likely to think things through and think what can i do to help myself.