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Newbie - caring for an elderly person - Carers UK Forum

Newbie - caring for an elderly person

Tell us a bit about yourself here.

Am new to this site, and not quite yet a carer - my fella's Gran is coming out of hospital on Wednesday. I hope you can understand when I say I am dreading it, as I am nervous what life is going to be like. His Gran is 94 and is quite frail after being in hospital (and being 94), and now partially blind. He has given up work, and I am trying to find some, but I am so worried about the impact it will have on our lives mentally, physicaly, emotionally and financially.

We have only been together for just over a year, and my family disowned me practically when I left my husband for him, so I am alone with no friends or family (just my 3 year old)and now this has happened. I feel so selfish about this all but I can't help it. I feel like I was ambushed into having her here as he loves her so much and there is no one else in the family who bother at all. I know I am doing the right thing for him and her (and I do love them so much) but I feel so scared and alone. Sorry for the outpoor but I literally have no one to talk to. Thanks for reading xxx
May I give you my brutally honest opinion? DON'T DO IT! If it was your own grandmother and you loved her to bits, it would still be impossible. Your daughter is the one who is going to suffer most, and she is the one you must put first in all of this. Ask for gran's discharge to be delayed, social services should have been to see you, discussed gran's needs, arranged a package of care, done a carer's assessment for you, arranged any aids adaptations etc. Has any of this been done? Carers UK have a helpline. Ring them or email them, I can't remember the days the helpline is open I'm afraid. They will talk to you about anything and everything you want to, remember it's our own organisation's service, not DWP. It's very late, we should both be tucked up in bed asleep by now, so I guess this is really worrying you.
Welcome to the forum.

You and your three year old child have been through some significant changes over the past year and a bit. It is no wonder you are feeling concerned about the future.

If you dont mind me saying so i do hope you and your wider family soon find a way to come to terms with the changes in life you have already undergone.
Dont be scared of the future. Just be aware that life is always full of change.

Wherever you find yourself in say 3 months time, 6 months time, 5 years time .....i wish you good luck. Image Image
PS bringing up a child (or children) has its own challenges doesnt it? Yet look at how rewarding it is.
This thing we call "caring" is very similar you know.

Just summat else you might want to ponder about. Image Image Image

spoken from the heart of a fairly old lady Image
What can I say?

You took a brave decision to change your life some while ago, and now the changes are out of your control. That has to feel scary, because your old support networks aren't there for you now.

We are - not that we can be as practical help as you need right now. You have a choice (together) about what happens next: does your partner's gran come home to you or not? If you jointly feel you can't cope, then you can say "no". Or, "not without more help" - and you can ask for the discharge to be delayed while services are put in place. It's up to the social worker to ensure that the right help is there before discharge.

But do please talk to the helpline - you can email them via the main website. Details are here - just scroll down for the email address (they will usually be able to get back to you more quickly via email):

http://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice ... dvice-line
Thanks for the replies. Social services have been very good and are helping us with as much as they can I suppose. They have said about the respite available, which I know we will take up when really needed. I can't fault them as yet. I think my main problem was that I helped my mum care for my dad when I was 14 through to 19 after he suffered a bad car accident which left him depressed and in constant pain. I know how hard that was for us, and feel like I am back where I was again. I really don't think my OH has any idea what he is taking on, but refuses to really discuss it. My dad committed suicide when I was 19, and me and mum went through his illness and death together which is why I am so upset with her in particular that she abandoned me when I decided to move in with my current fella. I know she didn't agree with the decision but after all we went through it makes it so much harder to understand why she is not there for me. I suppose I am still dealing with so many other issues and caring for his gran just adds to everything. My OH has his heads in the clouds about it all in my opinion, and just won't talk as he feels duty bound to his gran and wants to help her. I know we are just going to have to see how it goes, but i am nervous that if any problems come up he won't discuss them, pretty much like he is doing now. If it impacts my child then it will have to change as he is the most important thing in my life, and I won't upset his life any more than I have already.

Thanks for listening xxxx
hi and welcome
You are welcome.

I am so sorry about how hard and how sad your life has been and your mums life too of course. What happens to us shapes who we are. From what i hear you sound like a very caring person and i reckon you and your mum will find a way to understand each other again and become close....i am fairly confident you still care about each other despite current disagreements and both of you will want to share your little lads life in future wont you? Few things are irreversible, given the will.

We all get a little wobbly when it looks like mountains are ahead.
Dunno how to help you but just one further thought .....your little boy.... kiddies in my experience are much more resilient than we give them credit for. And they face facts better than many adults do.

Mine survived having me as a mum Image Image and remain the most important people in my life.
Edited to add "along side MY fellah". Good luck x
Hi and welcome Image
It's ok to be worried as having Gran come to live with you will be a big change to your lives, but caring can be very rewarding. Image
Don't be afraid to talk to social services about how things are going and anything you find you need doing differently once Gran is living with you, as talking about isn't the same as doing.
And caring for a frail, elderly person isn't the same as caring for someone who is in constant pain.
Ask anything here too, someone usually knows Image
Welcome to the forum.
As you will have already seen, you'll get lots of advice and support on the forum.
When things get tough feel free to have a rant as well as it all helps and well, we all have a rant now and again.
I'm certainly glad I joined as there are some lovely people on here.

Matty Groves