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I’m a struggling Newbie here - Carers UK Forum

I’m a struggling Newbie here

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi Everyone,

It’s been lovely to find this forum. I’ve been on others and left me feeling a bit lost. But I’ve been reading some of your posts and I think your all amazing and up front and honest.

I’ve been able to relate to most things being said as for the last few months all of sudden from nowhere I’ve been having overwhelming feelings of utter dislike, resentment, guilt towards my dad who has terminal cancer. It’s been a massive relief I now know this is normal and I’m not a monster.

I’ve been in this role approx 10 years when my mum died suddenly of cancer. 10 years on its now my dads turn and I’ve feelings of anger as a lifetime of smoking and boozing has done it to them both and now I’m picking up the pieces. This is the start of the resentment that won’t go away. I was there today cleaning shopping and All the rest of it and all I wanted to do was leg it. I feel terrible even writing this down 😢 There is no other family or anything and no one else I know that has been in this situation so not really anyone to share my thoughts with. It’s Just me my dad and cancer for the forseable 😖

Fast forward 10 years I’m now riddled with anxiety and about to start popping the mind bending pills that hopefully will numb everything and soon starting a new part time job that I’ve no idea how I can manage as I’ve no idea what’s coming or if I’ll even be able to keep plates spinning. Not really sure who I am anymore.

Anyway feeling a bit queasy now I’m reading all this in black and white but I’ll be popping in quite a lot as you all have so much experience and hoping to make connections a long the way.

Louby Xx
Hi Louby, quite honestly, I'm wondering how you are "still standing".
My advice would be to stop trying to be Superwoman, and start yelling Help!

If you've read the forum before, you probably know what I'm going to ask already.
How old is dad?
How advanced is dad's cancer?
Is he claiming any disability benefits?
How old are you?
Most important of all, does dad own or rent his home? If you only answer one question, make sure it's this one?

That's enough for now, I'll check in again later.
Thanks for your reply Bowlingbun 🙂

I’m not I’m just about functioning. I’ve had the local Macmillan community Carers in who pop in every 3 months 🤷🏼‍♀️ But he’s not immobile yet. He’s still able to do shopping and drive his car and fully mobile although very thin and doddery. I’ve also had him down to his doctors who wanted to put a care plan in place but he said no. He gets attendance allowance which he pays some to me. I thought he was paying some to me as I reduced hours at work and was struggling to make ends meet, but the other week he said it was “in case he needs me” Not sure what that meant but I’ve already told him I can’t nurse when the time comes. I’m just not cut out for it. So anyway here goes...

He’s 75 and was given 3-12 months to live a year ago.

No benefits apart from attendance allowance

And I’m 42 going on 90 😖

Yes he owns his own house.

Ive also had the people in that do the house adjustments like showers etc but he said he didn’t want that either when they came. I’m just dreading the day when he takes a turn for the worse because I’m not sure who to turn to in terms of care etc. I’ve tried to get answers from local groups but I’ve had to do it his way. If he doesn’t want a care plan then that’s that I guess. Meanwhile I’m in limbo.

Thanks for reading Xx
Are you claiming Carers Allowance?
Have you asked Social Services for a Carers Assessment? If not, ask as soon as possible.
Is dad safe to drive? My dad had prostate cancer. My brother had to take the car away after a series of near misses.
Is there a hospice near you? However much dad doesn't want a care plan, he is going to need one soon!
Now for two difficult issues.
You need to think about which funeral director you will use. Do you know how much money dad has? Funerals can be expensive.
Google Signs of Dying, there are soon good articles that will help you.
If there is anything you need to ask, feel free. It's a daunting prospect for anyone.
Yes I’m not able to claim Carers as I earn above the £123 a week.

I’ve not heard of social services doing a care assessment I’ll look into it thanks for that. Is that for Dad? He seems OK to drive at the minute but somehow I take him to all the appointments. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes there is a hospice near me and it’s pretty good I believe. I’ve just not had the conversation with him about where he wants it to happen. I’m dreading his reply as I reckon he will want to die at home. Hopefully my tablets will have kicked in by then.

We just don’t do talking and emotions. Never have never will so being open and honest is not something he finds natural. Im the opposite, I like to talk. As for funerals I guess I’ll ring the same guy who sorted mums. In the meantime I’m hoping this road will be as straight forward as it can be.

Sorry to hear about your dad and thanks for all your advice it’s been a big help! X
It sounds as if Dad is in complete denial, but then he was about smoking!
You are really now in the role of "parent" in some ways.
Even if he won't plan, you can and you must.
Ring the hospice and ask to talk to someone. You don't need pills, you need help.
Does dad still treat you as a child who must run around after him? You are a grown woman, it is YOUR choice what to do and not do. No one can be forced to care!
When you take him to appointments, does he let you go in with him at the doctors??
Thanks for this I’ll have read through and hopefully will make sense!
bowlingbun wrote: It sounds as if Dad is in complete denial, but then he was about smoking!
You are really now in the role of "parent" in some ways.
Even if he won't plan, you can and you must.
Ring the hospice and ask to talk to someone. You don't need pills, you need help.
Does dad still treat you as a child who must run around after him? You are a grown woman, it is YOUR choice what to do and not do. No one can be forced to care!
When you take him to appointments, does he let you go in with him at the doctors??
Yes your right. My parents were/are very good at sweeping everything under the carpet. It’s very damaging. If I ring the hospice will they have to inform dad that I’ve rang? With all this GDPR stuff?

Yes our relationship is exactly the same as it was when I was 14. It’s very awkward. I know it’s my choice and do you know I’d love to have one but I’m trapped so I really have one? It’s probably my fault as I’m just like yes dad no dad. I get calls anytime of the day or night which just snaps me back out of any down time I’ve managed to achieve.

Yes I go in with all the appointments apart from Christie’s as they won’t let me in so I have to wait in the car which is a nice bit me time in the car!
Are you living with dad, or in your own place?
You can speak to the hospice without his permission or them telling him.