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Resentment and guilt - Carers UK Forum

Resentment and guilt

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Hi

I'm new to this site and forum. I have been reading lots of posts and finding them very informative.
I am really struggling with feeling of anger, resentment and guilt as I have ended up caring for my husband - whom I was separated from though not divorced - as he had an accident in October which left him fighting for his life, in hospital for 6 months and now partially paralysed.

As his next of kin I was dealing with all the medical staff I hospital and then with social services in relation to his returning to his own home.

As a result I was not able to work. I had my own successful business which has now ceased trading. I have used all my savings to pay my own mortgage and household bills.

I have been to see my doctor today and going to apply for a sickness benefit -ESA. I am struggling mentally and physically to come to terms with taking care of husband who lives 50 miles away and my loss of independence and financial security.

He was retired and has a good work pension but it isn't enough to keep the both of us.

I am happy that he survived and is making progress and I do want to take care of him - practical things like taking him to hospital appointment, food shopping, socialising etc. He gets 4 care calls per day to his house for personal care.

But these feeling of resentment and anger that my world was turned upside down keep emerging and I spend a lot of time crying. I would find it hard to discuss this friends as I feel I'm being selfish and self centred.

Doctor has given me an antidepressant which I am reluctant to start taking them.

Is it normal to feel like this or am I being self- focussed.

Any advice please?
I can't say what is normal and what isn't Catherine, I don't think anyone can.

Everyone's situation is different. I have cut all ties to my ex following her decision that we were finished and would be unable to assist should anything happen to her. I would not recognise her as my next-of-kin now should anything happen to me.

I personally feel that you have done (more than) your bit and it is now for others or the State if there are none to step in. Obviously this means foregoing financial support of his pension which I appreciate may or may not be feasible. If you are able too, walking away may help with resentment and anger, its helping me.
Hi Catherine, welcome to the forum. As you were separated I do not think that you should have been expected to do anything for your ex. I suspect that Social Services and the hospital took advantage of your concern to completely take advantage of you. You were under no obligation whatsoever to care for him.

Are you aware of something called NHS Continuing Healthcare? He should have had an assessment before he was discharged. IF he qualified it would mean that all the care he needs would be provided by the NHS free of charge. It's something of a postcode lottery, but well worth asking the GP to arrange a checklist - you can find this on the internet.

It is time to plan your escape. Can I ask how old you both are? Is he claiming Attendance Allowance (over 65) or Personal Independence Payment (under 65)?

Try to write down all the issues you are concerned about or would need to resolve, share them with us, and we can help you find a way forward and reclaim your separate life once more. Don't feel guilty, the accident was not your responsibility and you should not have to pay for it for the rest of your life.
Hi Catherine.
Feelings of anger, guilt and resentment are common in carers, they must be even stronger in your separated situation. No you are not being selfish and self centred, I can imagine many people in your situation would have walked away.
I thoroughly recommend having some counselling. I'm a bit surprised the GP didn't refer you to phone counselling but in many areas you can self refer. Better still, and its money well spent, is to find a private counsellor you can see face to face who will help you explore your feelings and the situation. About £40-50 per session but invaluable in the long run. Find one through this https://www.bacp.co.uk
Such counselling has helped me and my son very much..

There's always support and contact here as so many carers feel isolated and alone, friends who haven't been in this situation just don't understand
The antidepressants will only be a mild dose and may just help you through this rough patch, there's no shame attached, they just become another weapon in your armoury of caring aids.
Here's another one https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support- ... mood-12505
It's important when caring to look after yourself mentally and physically as it is tiring, frustrating and unrelenting , like preparing for a marathon

Hope this helps
MrsA
Hi

Thank you all for your responses. It is great to be in touch with people who understand the demands of caring.

We had remained friends as we had no children together nor financial issues to fight over. So I was prepared at the start when he was in intensive care to be there but I realised when he went to rehab unit that they were speaking to me as if I was there to pick up the pieces. I spoke to several members of staff in the unit and the social workers to say I wasn't but as you say they were more that happy to discharge him without a proper care plan.

I haven't heard about that assessment - sorry I can't read your post to see the proper name.

He is 67 - getting attendance allowance. I am 57.

My instinct has been to walk away but he is quite manipulative.

Anyway good old guilt keeps biting me. I think that's part of the depression and tears. Lack of control of my own life.

Doctor has referred me to counselling urgently in his practice. I had considered private counselling but to be honest I have been that shattered and stressed I couldn't make a decision about anything. I need to get a grip of my emotions and getting physically well. I should have gone to my GP months ago but because I'm normally very resilient I didn't want to admit I couldn't cope.

It is lovely to be able to share this with people who won't judge me.

Thank you
Hi Catherine
Definitely no judging here, most of us are or have been in the same boat.
It's a good sign that you are recognising the need for help and support now. Those first few months after such a life changing shocking event do go by in a blur.
I'm not an expert on benefits and CHC, others will be along to cover that I'm sure.
Just keep checking the forum for replies. Most of us are knackered by this time and others only have chance to log in infrequently.
You can use the purple search box to read past threads, or use the red tabs to access loads of advice on the Carers uk website

Meanwhile pat yourself on the back for surviving so far, and for finding us :)
Kr MrsA
I found this when I googled NI. Will ring in the morning

In Northern Ireland NHS CHC is not straightforward and is currently difficult to access. If you think you or someone you know might be eligible for continuing healthcare and need support, contact Age NI Advice Line on 0808 808 7575.
Thank you Mrs A.
Let me ask a question.

Had you not been around - eg, if, say, you'd moved abroad, married again, whatever - what would have happened to your ex since the accident?

The thing is, we so often think 'there is no one else but me to do the caring' but what would be the case if we went under a bus? There is always an alternative....

What would it have been for your ex? (What WILL it be?????????)