Wjen I was young my mum had major depression and other illnesses throughout my childhood. I found my role was to be the worrier and fixer trying to be a better daughter. To the extent that I became obsessional that if I didn’t do things better she would become ill. If it’s not Health it was her marriage woes I’ve never felt free whereas my brother’s role was to be independent and achieve for himself. She has never stepped up in pivotal moments in my life and now she is alone as my father died and she abdicated any responsibility for caring or sorting funeral to us children. Every time I meet her it’s abiut her never me and I now realise it has always been this way. The resentment and fact I don’t find caring for her enjoyable or easy is screwing me up. I feel she relishes being the doddery old lady I hate it! I feel bad that I’m not like other carers saying ‘oh my mum has always been there for me and now it’s a pleasure to return the favour!”
Hi Caroline,
Welcome to the forum.
Well, yes, I’m sure there are carers out there who profess to enjoy the role. I think we have even had a few on here but for the majority of us it is not something we find easy. Even those of us who have a complacent, co-operative and grateful caree feel exhausted, desperate, anxious, trapped and resentful. Also lonely, and guilty. All of those feelings, and more, come with caring.
Caring is made even harder when the person you care for is not someone you like very much and with whom you have never had a close, loving relationship and who doesn’t appreciate what you are doing for them or have a clue about how badly it is affecting you. Nor seem to ‘give a toss’.
Carers who find themselves in a caring situation which is destroying their own health and mental well being are often surprised and relieved to hear that actually, they don’t have to do it at all.
No one has to care for another adult, no matter what the relationship or the health of the caree.
There is no law that says anyone has to care for a parent, spouse, sibling, adult child or best friend!
You could walk away tomorrow, never see her again and get on with your own life. You could become more and more involved with looking after your mother until that’s all your life consists of. In the middle of those two is a path we could help you find which suits you. Any caring you do at the moment is because you have chosen to do it, (and understandably there are many complex reasons why).
You do not have to.
Keep posting. There will be lots of questions for you, all designed to help us help you. Have a think, How much do you want to do for Mum? I mean really want to, not feel you ought to. Could be nothing, and that’s OK. Could be a little or a lot. It is your choice.