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Reluctant carer - Carers UK Forum

Reluctant carer

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I have been caring for my mother for 16 years. Her memory is poor and the manipulative games are now so ingrained it is normal.
I have a heart condition as well as other things wrong . I always have to repeat myself and i feel the stress in my heart. I have full responsibility for the house and she expects to repair the house and i am nearly 60. I hate her now and just want to be free i am single because my partner died years ago. I am tired of going to appoinents, putting on creams, helping with prescriptions and the constant crying. I pray all the time for a heart attack just to get away from her.
I can totally relate as I have been caring for my husband who is 83 since 2013 officially but unofficially much earlier. He is ungrateful and medically non compliant and this weekend has pushed me to breaking point.

Others will be along soon but you are not alone I promise. Could you make an appointment with the GP? Do you get any help with her at all? Does she own the house you live in? You do NOT have to care Lana. Thinking of you.
I think this one of the most common issues raised on this forum.
So many people who are getting older themselves are finding it too much to care for extremely old parents and relatives. The theme of the carees not being grateful is also common as there seems to be an expectation that they should be cared for even at the expense of the carers own well-being, something health professionals also seem to rely on.
I feel like I live the life of a 95 year old ( mum in law is 95), as I am forever making appointments, attending health appointments, talking about health, and listening to never ending comments about how hard done by she feels as she can’t go to her club!! She won’t go because she’s too vain to use her walker!!
I don’t go anywhere and have had no holidays for eight years. I managed to get some carers in but she complains she doesn’t need them and yet sees nothing wrong in the fact I was getting 2-3 telephone calls a day because she didn’t feel well enough to make tea. When I get there ( because I assume she must be ill ) she’s sitting there with her eyes shut and mouth open , like she’s passed out.
Within five minutes she forgets the act and is chatting, drinking her tea and having a good old moan about everything- infuriating.
Please use this forum to vent, you will not be judged and will get some good advice.
I feel for you, as I too now have health issues which caring has made worse.
Look after yourself, no one else will.
I feel for you too Jane. Yes I feel I am being pushed to live the life of an 83 year old. He does not want to socialise and yet is mega bitter when I do. He is very deaf but lost his NHS Hearing Aids -would not wear them and now his hearing has really gone downhill cannot find them.

I do not know what the answer is. Mine was to get out for short periods to see friends - an hour and a half for coffee. But he has reacted badly - he drinks heavily some nights, and I am now threatened with divorce/changing of his will.

I often wonder why we bother but I guess compassion usually takes over. I HAVE to care for financial reasons but others do not and my advice would to try and disengage with compassion but YOU have a life too.
Lana_2106 wrote:
Sun Sep 18, 2022 10:58 pm
I have been caring for my mother for 16 years. Her memory is poor and the manipulative games are now so ingrained it is normal.
I have a heart condition as well as other things wrong . I always have to repeat myself and i feel the stress in my heart. I have full responsibility for the house and she expects to repair the house and i am nearly 60. I hate her now and just want to be free i am single because my partner died years ago. I am tired of going to appoinents, putting on creams, helping with prescriptions and the constant crying. I pray all the time for a heart attack just to get away from her.
Phone the helpline tomorrow for some leads for you.
There are options, if they will be accepted eg the charities that do a sitting service for a few hours a week if your mum will have one.
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