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Have you ever lied too your other half? - Carers UK Forum

Have you ever lied too your other half?

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Hi all
Have you lied to your other half? Mine had a bad turn this year suffering from a personality disorder and extreme depression. Which causes her when bad to be suicidal. we had a few money issues and she stupidily got some credit cards out to cover us. We where paying them off but things kept breaking so had to keep spending on them. The intrest was very high, what we could pay was just above minimum so the debts mounted. She started getting back to her self so couldn't tell her because it would send her spiralling and make her suicidal again. Now it's got so bad I have no idea what to do, telling her isn't an option as that would be me still stressing about the money as well as worrying every second about her and being scared to leave her alone. I'm so lost any ideas?
Feeling Lost,

I can understand, why you have omitted to tell your OH about the debts.

Don't delay about seeking advice, however. There is info here on where to get help: https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... -with-debt
Do it on Monday, you can't deal with alone, ignored it will just get worse.

Once you have sought help and have a plan, when the time is right, talk to your OH about it, otherwise she won't know to curb her spending habits too; plus it's better to tell her than for her to find out.

Melly1
Hi Milly
thanks for the advice, I will speak to someone tomorrow but don't really see away out of it except get a line to pay the cards off, but the interest is sky high. Yes I should tell her but I can't it will takes months to get her back on track and it will totally ruin Xmas and my daughter doesn't deserve that xx
Hi feeling lost
Welcome to the forum.
Don't delay contacting the credit card companies. They may help you with a manageable payment plan. Depending on if the cards are in your partner's name only or both your names. They may ask you for a doctor's letter for proof of your partner's illness.
Please do contact the company's, they will make notes that you haven't ignored the situation. Hopefully you will have a management plan in place then can explain to your partner.
Constant phone calls and letters from the company will neither help you or your partner sadly.
Deep breath and I am thinking of you.
I can highly recommend this organisation

https://capuk.org/

They are a debt counselling organisation/charity and are endorsed by Martin Lewis (of Money Saving Expert fame). Unfortunately my niece has found herself in a similar situation with her OH and CAP have been very supportive and helpful.
Is she still putting MORE things on the credit cards?

Take the credit cards off her and cut them up (for yourself as well!)

Then, yes, contact the CC company AND the CHARITY debt counsellors. PLEASE be wary that you ONLY contact the REAL debt counsellors, NOT the highly dodgy 'finance companies'.

Beware ANYONE who says 'we can roll up your total debts into easy monthly payments'.....that means you will be paying back thousands of percent more over the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

The danger phrase is 'easy monthly payments'.....that's how these disgusting loan sharks (which is what those finance companies are!).....tempt and trap people into their foul nets, from which they can NEVER escape.


Go through your total household expenses now, an 'audit', to see 'where you are' on what you are spending every week (and also what the debt repayment is costing you).

You mention 'Xmas' for your daughter. DO NOT SPEND ON XMAS. It is FAR better to have a 'poor' Xmas this year. Tell your daughter you are very tight for money this year, as you had to spend on things like washing machines (or whatever it was that broke). However old she is (bar a baby!) she needs to start learnig that money doesn't grow on trees, and that sometimes we are 'poor', and that is THAT.

For toys and pressies, go to charity shops (take a bus to a wealthy town - I live in one, and boy, are the charity shops full of 'lovely stuff' that has been given away by my rich neighbours!).

As for your partner, tell her 'money is tight' (because of the things you had to buy that broke), and tell her bluntly that we are 'tightening our belts' now, but that 'we will get by if we are careful'.

I think, personally, that the priority is becoming debt free, NOT how 'bad' she feels about it! Better that she is 'miserable' than you are drowning in debt. Don't 'pander' to her in that respect (even if you hold back on just how much debt you are in.)
The 'real' debt counselling charities will advise you, but one option MIGHT be this (if you are eligible for it).

A family member has high (we are talking tens of thousands!) of credit card debt. She regularly does 'zero balance transfers' to whatever is the 'best deal' on these (it varies month on month - websites like the Martin Lewis one list them).

What this consists of is this:

- You move the debt from the credit card company that has it now, to the new one. ie, the new one takes on the 'principle' sum (whatever it is, say £5,000)

- You pay NO interest for whatever the length of time the zero-interest period lasts (this varies from 'deal to deal') (read below!)

- You pay an UPFRONT fee to do the transfer. This fee is ACTUALLY the 'real' interest you will pay on that principle loan. It always works out to be around 3% or so, maybe up to 5%, which is LOADS AND LOADS cheaper than the hideous APR interest rate you pay on not paying off the cc debt 'as is' (it's something like 17% at least I think??)

- THE ONE THING you MUST NOT DO however, is exceed the period of the interest free transfer. ie, if they say the balance transfer is '18 months', then you MUST 'move the debt on' to another zero interest balance transfer deal BEFORE then. OR you will suddenly be paying an even MORE 'hideous' APR rate!!!!!

IF you are eligible this is 'doable', but you MUST be very very careful to ensure that you can afford the 'upfront' fee (as I say, it's always around 3% or so of the principle debt) AND that you can exit BEFORE the 'real interest rate' hits you at the end of the deal.

Of course, the point is also that during the 'run time' of the deal (eg, those 18 months of the zero-interest period) you are ALSO paying down the principle debt AS WELL (ie, with the aim of becoming debt free eventually, in a 'doable' time frame).

As I say, read about this carefully, and see what the debt management charities advise, but do NOT fall into the vile hands of the finance companies (loan sharks). It may NOT be the right thing for you, and you may not be eligible either.
Me again - slightly different subject!

Be warned that those with depression very, very often 'over-spend'. They use spending as 'compensation' for their 'misery' and to 'cheer themselves up'.

My niece has chronic depression, and has battled against perpetual 'online spending' (which is DANGEROUSLY easy to do!) (ie, the companies tempt you in and it's tough enough for a soundminded person to resist, let alone someone mentally vulnerable!)

So you may have to be totally ruthless with your partner - not just cutting up credit cards, but debit cards as well, and even unplugging the router and taking her mobile phone off her. She must NOT be allowed to 'overspend'.

Her moods are her own problem - her debts become YOURS (and your daughter's.)

Your FIRST responsibility is to your DAUGHTER not your partner, and that is that. Protect your daughter from the hideous poverty of debt, not your partner from her mental anguish. Sorry, but that is the tough reality of life, and even if your partner can't see it, YOU can. It is an ESSENTIAL part of your caring role for her.

What kind of carer will you be if you are, say, evicted, or have the bailiffs at the door (happened to my niece!), because you 'indulged' your partner in her weakness????? For HER sake, ensure she can't run up debts!!!!!!

(I don't want to sound harsh, but without money, you can't care for her anyway, can you????!)

Remember, your 'control' of her spending protects HER as well as your daughter and you! That is the way to look at it. It is for her own good, even if she can't see it that way because of her mental illness alas.!