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Please Help - Carers UK Forum

Please Help

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Hiya and I think I may have just found this place in time...
I Paula, 42 and been with my partner for nearly two years, I moved in to his home about a year ago knowing his dad also lived with him, All was well for. While then my dad in law had a major stroke and i became a carer over night, i knew i would in time but not two weeks into my move, i have an 8 year old son who is also now a carer, since moving in, ive had three miscarriages and an opp on my leg, i got very little help from my partner, im now pregnant again and ive i asked my partner to get his dad to understand we need our time to be a couple and do things for us, because the situation has become dia and things needed to change, as i need to feel like this is my home and i have a say. My partner and his dad have lived together for 20 years, and become very reliant on each other, i get that but since i moved in, I've become a carer and thats all. I cook, clean, carer, taxi driver and much more. I do have carers resorces helping support me but its new and still getting thing in order.... but this evening, all hell let lose, I'm pregnant and asked my partner to try and get his dad to understand, i said ive had enough and without your support i cant support ya dad as im an emotional mess. I didnt go well ao i started to pack my bags and then my dad in law started having an upsetting time, started to hit himself in the face, we called an ambulance and he is there now with his son, my partner.

I think what im asking for, tbh, i dont know what im asking for but im in floods of tears, pregnant, feel very alone in a house that doesn't feel like my home as the only place that has any hit of me, is the bedroom. My dad in law controls every aspect of everybody's life and if we do anything for our self, the dad in law always comes down with a problem, i take him everywhere with me, we go out for meals, i deny me been me to make him happy because if hes happy the house is happy, but i am slowly becoming a nobody with no purpose but to keep the peace. Im really tired :-(
Paula, I've just replied to you on the other thread you posted on (Tony's)

But what you're saying here is impossible. Just impossible.

This can't continue. To be honest, unless your partner puts YOU first, I would say your 'partnership' is, in fact, simply engaging you as a housekeeper, cook, cleaner and carer.

I do appreciate that your FIL and your partner are very close, and that your 'intrusion' in to the pair may be causing ructions for your FIL, but you CANNOT go on the way you have described your life.

Have you got an 'emergency escape route'? You mentioned you were on the point of packing your bags and clearing out (even if only temporarily) - so do you have somewhere to go? It could be that that is what you will need to do, in order to 'resolve' this impossible situation, and 'force the issue'.

Is it not possible for you all to relocate to somewhere where you and your partner have your own separate acommdoation, and your FIL has his own 'grandpa' annexe? Because that is the only thing I think will be viable, especially once the new baby arrives.

Sadly, your partner may have to make the tough choice between his father, or his partner/mother of his child. A 'grandpa' annexe would be the obvious way to mitigate the choice, should he decide to choose you.

How do you yourself see the future panning out? Can you come up with a better alternative to the quite impossible situation you are in now?

All best, and please see my post on the other thread!

Kind regards, Jenny
Hiya..... His dad is still in hospital and my OH is home, i know for a fact he wouldn't chose me and the baby because when he thought his dad was having a heart attack he opened the door and told me to leave. He did say he forgot about the baby but it made me feel like a nothing.... because he cant see a bump or have a scan photo to look at. Its not real for him, his words not mine :-/ i am going to try and get an appointment to see our councilor tomorrow. Dont know what good it will do but i love him, not because im a weak woman but i do love the git.... we wanted a family, then because of the stress he said he didn’t, so i basically said. You dont want a baby because of the fact you dont love me ots the situation that stopped it but im pregnant, i have had many miscarriages so im just waiting for this one to go the same way..... i am absolutely exhausted with it all tbh..
Paula, in brief, just for now, but I know others here will be along as the morning goes on, to add their views to mine....(which may be quite different of course!)

I'd say, right now, you need some 'time out' from it all. Seeing your counsellor is an excellent idea, and I hope you can do so today.

Will your OH be going to work this morning, and does that give you time 'home alone', without either of your two 'stress generators' (that's your FIL and OH) around? I take it your little boy is on school holiday, so any chance you and he can get out and about and you take him somewhere nice (but easy!) today (even if it's just to a café, playground, McD, toyshops etc!)

I'm going to ask a tricky question - was your FIL a 'stress generator' BEFORE he had his stroke and became incapacitated? Or did he have that stroke very quickly when you moved in? What I'm getting it as it try and separate out, if that's possible, what the emotional situation was outside of the stroke?

How come, bluntly, your partner was living with his own father for 20 years as a single (?) adult? It is, you know, unusual.....

It would tend to indicate (off the top of my head!) that there is perhaps something in their relationship that has prevented, or stalled, your husband being a fully independent adult. It also depends 'how they lived' if you see what I mean.

When I mentioned a grandpa annexe, the key thing is that they are separate domains - each with your own kitchen/bathroom/living quarters. It's really quite different psychologically from living in the same house and 'sharing your life' together. If your partner was living with his dad 'as a child', eg, sharing mealtimes and so on, then I'd say that wasn't really likely to have been emotionally healthy???? I take it your partner's mum died a long time ago, and maybe his dad 'clung' to his son? (I'm not blaming him - my son is a young adult now, and I REALLY miss having him 'living at home'!!!!!)

Some parents are, alas, very 'clinging' (I do hate to use that word, as I fear it could apply to me - see what I've just written above!), but whether they live with their children, or not, when adult, they can be, well 'demanding' or 'narcissistic' or 'controlling'.....they remain the centre of their (adult) child's focus.

I think you said that 'when FIL is happy then we can be happy'......that is very familiar, and rather worrying, because it sort of implies that everything has to revolve around him (you also say if you and your partner try and do anything for yourselves, without him, he gets an 'attack' etc etc!!!!!).

I do feel for your FIL, because, like I say, it can be very, very sad to 'lose' your children as they grow up, BUT that 'losing' is essential for our children's independence and happiness - you'll find this out yourself as your own son grows up! But if your FIL has had your partner, his son, for an 'extra' 20 years, well, he's going to feel it, isn't he, when his son takes a wife.....

I'd say your partner sounds very torn between the two of you. He's so used to putting his dad first (am I right on that?) that he's automatically doing it now. You say your FIL wept and begged you to stay, but is that because he wants you to look after him (knowing his son, at work, can't?), or because he fears you will draw his son away from him?

I suggested a 'grandpa annexe' - do you think this is a possibility? Would having extra outside carers come in to help you with your FIL be a possibility? Would getting a cleaner help? You say your FIL does 'everythign' with you, and this has to stop - not meaning he does 'nothign' with you, but that you have clear times when he is part of the unit, and times when you and your partner have your own life.

Finally, and worryingly, you mentioned that your 8 year old is now a young carer. That's not acceptable, and I'm sure you feel that way too. This is not his grandfather, and he is far, far too young to have that kind of responsibility for an elderly frail man with health problems.

I'm glad your FIL is currently in hospital, as this hopefully will give a bit of breathing space to decide what you want to happen now. As well as your son, the most important thing now is safeguarding your pregnancy, given the very very sad history of miscarriage.

Kindest regards, Jenny
Hiya.... Thanks for all the advice. Im still in the house of my partner, FIL is back home and well. Thank goodness, i may have wanted some space with my OH but at what cost :( I am still going to be his carer and I will do it to the best of my ability. My OH and i have a councilling session in 1 hour, I am actually looking forward to hopefully getting my opinion herd. I know my FIL is not open to giving us space as i really dont think he can even comprehend. Carers resorces where a great help today.

I think i am also waiting for a miscarriage as i had a bleed today, nothing over the past hour, im in no pain and my pregnancy test still came back positive so the next steps will be determined by our councilling session and wether or not my OH will actually stick to the fact that he said he will support me. Time will tell :-/
Hi Paula
I would urge you not to get to distracted by the councelling session- if you have more of a bleed this afternoon, get yourself down to A & E for a check up- top priority.
Paula, I agree with Henrietta -

How have things gone this afternoon?

I would say with the counselling session, it's not just a question of having your views heard, though that's essential - it's about your partner DOING something about them!

Your FIL may not 'comprehend' what you need to happen (he may 'choose' not to comprehend of course, since it's not in his current interests!), but that doesn't matter. He doesn't actually have to agree to the changes that have to happen - ie, more space and time for you and your partner, less WORK for you! - to make this situation viable.

Also, and I'm not trying to be 'destructive' or too hostile to your FIL, but, have you considered that somewhere inside him he would actually welcome your departure from his son's life? Then things could go back to the way they were before you 'intruded'?

Conversely, of course, it could be, as I said in another post, that he DOES want you in the household, but only as his carer/cook/cleaner/taxi driver/companion etc etc!

When you said earlier that he 'goes everywhere with you' I find that totally insane! He can't 'live off you' like some kind of helpless toddler!

At some point, your partner has to find the courage to stand up to his father, and make more accommodation for YOU. Right now, it seems that EVERYTHING is on your FIL's terms, and that's it!

PS - this may be barking completely up the wrong tree, and if so I apologise, but is your FIL and partner from a culture where 'daughterly obedience' is taken for granted, and that you are expected to knuckle down and take care of him without any thought of your own needs and wants?
Hiya :-) His dad is from a different culture but not male dominant one, well i dont think so. They are Spanish, my OH was born here in the UK but i just think they have lived together for so long. Selfishness has become part of them and bloody hell, I believe my FIL loves me but I have often thought I just that person who now has aome of his sons attention but the mad bit is. He has more of a social life with his son more now than he ever has. His son would just play computer games at any spare moment. If my FIL actually looked at the good changes, he would see his life is so better now..... but anyhow lets gat back to the other stuff, I think the bleed must have been implantation bleeding as i called the early pregnancy unit and ahe said as long as the blood isn't red, nothing to worry about :-) time will tell though :-/

Counciling went well and all come down to the FIL yet again, OH has come up with some plans to help the whole house live better and us get some time. We are again at counciling tomorrow so im sure we will definitely put some plans into action. Thursday is one of the days when my FIL has one of his "turns" as it mine and the OH day. Lets see how it pans out, I've put the FIL first all day as it was needed to try and restore some normality. We needed the DR out as he nearly took a fall but i feel like the talk with his son the other night that caused the anxiety attack may have actually done something. Maybe short lived but time will tell....

Thanks so much for your imput. You have all said what im thinking and telling my OH daily... xxx
As a complete outsider, I'm absolutely appalled. My gut reaction would be to pack up and get out. Your top priority must be your 8 year old son - he has a right to a happy childhood, not life as a carer for an old man who isn't even a relative. You have lost a lot by moving in with them, they have got a slave, cook, carer, chauffeur!!! You might love your partner, but does he love you? He's got a funny way of showing it. Something has to change, before you have another miscarriage, or the baby is born. As a pregnant woman, you should be the focus of attention, pampered, nurtured, late mornings, early nights, gentle walks. Time for "nesting". Your partner should be enjoying all this with you. I would suggest that you both sit down and agree some priorities. I can't imagine anything worse than being stuck with my FIL all the time.