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Please don't judge me. - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Please don't judge me.

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
To the best of my knowledge they cannot touch your savings. With joint savings, I think they can only assess his half of the fund but hopefully others will be able to clarify.
Your own savings reason says it all....

Don't be coerced, bullied or trapped by them wanting the bed emptying and not wanting the effort and bother of getting a residential placement.

Not easy for him, his conditions, age, frailty and fears, not nice at all and then to be told to go into residential and not return home will be awful regardless of anything beforehand. But if it is what is needed for his care then that is where he is at and where he needs to be. I can't begin to imagine how that would feel, and then you will have to bear the brunt of it while he adjusts and deals with his issues about the situation, but that's what they are, his issues. Upsetting to see and to receive the anger but you are visiting and can remove yourself from the situation to powder your nose or go home.

They will be adamant on him coming home, the best in their opinion is for the patient to return home.
But best for who? Not the patient if you can't supply the care required or if the effort puts you in hospital! Could be trying it on, could be shortage of residential home spaces. Not best for you because it is too much for you.

I've noticed of late that the physio/occ therapist phones to say discharge and basically every time I find they have been somewhat creative about her physical ability, one of which occasions they were reported for an unsafe discharge by me and by the homesafe team.

Good luck tomorrow.
If your savings are in your name, they can't touch them. You don't even have to say how much you have, although it's advisable to let them know that you have savings in your sole name. That way you're not hiding anything.
This is exactly the reason you need to INSIST on a proper NHS Continuing Healthcare Assessment.
If he qualifies, everything related to his care is absolutely FREE!

Refuse to enter into ANY discussions about money, who owns the house etc.etc.
They MUST do a CHC assessment first.
Put your suit of armour on, even if you are quivering inside, and be very firm, stern, and keep repeating

Discharging first, to assess, is not required as they already know this has failed, not just once, but twice!!!
It's time for them to draw up a long term, sustainable plan.
Please let us know how you get on tomorrow. I do feel for you . But I do agree, that your life will become unbearable if you have him back and it really does sound as if he needs 24/7 care. BB's advice is good re the CHC assessment.
Tips to survive this sort of meeting.
Dress formally.
Arrive early in case the traffic and/or parking is difficult.
Find the canteen, have a tea, and then a wee. Nothing worse than one without the other!!
The arrive at wherever you are supposed to be 10-15 minutes, in case there is what I call a "meeting before a meeting" i.e. when they agree their story beforehand.
If they start using jargon, STOP them. Tell them it's OK amongst themselves but inappropriate with a non medical relative. Every time they do this, stop them again.
If they start talking about medical issues you don't understand, make them explain.
If they talk so fast you can't take it in, or make notes (always take a pen and pad) tell them to slow down as you want to record everything.
Take the names and rank of everyone present.

When it's all over, go back to the canteen for a tea and wee, before you go home. These meetings are incredibly emotionally draining.
Alfreda_2205 wrote:
Thu May 05, 2022 1:56 pm
Thank you all for your replies. I am taking your advice fully on board. I already know they have pre-primed him to come home, so I'll have to be assertive. I'll ask to speak to them privately. It's the old story, no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I shall re-read everything here, take notes and do my best to be prepared. This afternoon, I'll also talk with hubby about his needs, versus what I am able to provide for our joint wellbeing.

On the financial front, we won't qualify for help as we have some joint savings. I understand that. However, I also have some independent savings in my own name in a different bank, I called it my escape fund. Can they touch that?
Hope you've seen subsequent replies.
Good luck.
Well..... the meeting was scheduled to happen on the ward. No one turned up. I waited an hour and a half, then I spoke to the ward clerk, who called the consultant, who said "Um....." She went to find out and never returned. Sigh. Keep calm and carry on. Left hand, right hand and parties in breweries spring to mind. I'll update further as and when. Thank you so much for your ongoing support. xxx
Alfreda, my jaw literally dropped when I read your post.
Completely and utterly disgraceful, and of course shows total lack of respect for your time, in fact, utter contempt.

Calm down and recover tonight, and then ring the CEO's office at the hospital.
Say that you want to make an urgent formal complaint.
I had to do this several times in relation to my own mum's care. I spoke to the PA and had an instant improvement.
Work out some "bullet points". The three/four/five things you want most. Keep them as short as possible, but say you can elaborate if required.

Keep us posted.
That is so frustrating.

If nothing else, you have more time to prepare for the meeting and get more informed.