Hi everybody. I am a part time carer for my elderly mum; she lives with my sister who works full time and her husband, who doesn't work. I look after her a couple of mornings a week, a day a weekend and take her for her hospital and other appointments. In between I try and work part time on a zero hour contract and also look after my family, including hubby who is off work with anxiety and depression. My sister has had enough of my mum, and wants her in residential care, which mum doesn't want at all. Mum has all sorts wrong, and I would like her to have a social assessment, but my sister won't hear of it. Sister wants (and needs ) breaks every 6 weeks, and is now demanding I go and stay over every 6 weeks so she can go away. Her son/daughter in law have been helping with this up to now, but can't anymore due to personal circumstances. I am feeling rather down, and don't have any say in what is happening to the situation. Am I being selfish feeling like this? I would love to take Mum off her hands, but still have my family at home and nowhere for her to be.
How about a three way compromise.
How about if your mum does move into residential care - BUT, comes and spends time with you and your sister as well?
When I first moved my MIL into residential care, she was most unhappy about it (I'd taken her in with me, and she loved it! But it 'ate my life'.....). BUT, twice weekly she came to me for 'sleepovers'. I fetched her before lunch, she had lunch with me, out for a drive, back to me, tea, TV, 'at home', then the next morning I drove her back to the home in time for lunch.
For me it was 'doable' - I got my own life back when she was in the Home - and for her it gave her 'some' of her 'homelife' with me.
Something similar might work for your sister, yourself, and your mum.
Care homes are so often seen as 'all or nothing' which can make them very 'scary' to the caree, not surprisingly. But by 'sharing the caring' you can spread it all around, and still have your own lives AND some 'home life' for your mum.
Sadly, if you are self-pay, you don't get any reduction in the fees for when they are not in the home!
You could 'time slice' in any way that suits you all. I did twice weekly, but you could do weekends, or whole weeks at a time, then nothing, or whatever works out.
It does require you mum to be sufficiently capable of physically being transferred between Care Home, you, and your sister.