It's easy to fall into the trap of caring to the end. The oldest carer I ever worked with was 97 when she'd realised she couldn't continue caring for her learning disabled son, who was then in his mid-70s. They both went into separate care homes.
Another died, while his disabled son (who was non-verbal autistic) was in the house. Wnen they were discovered, the young man was so badly dehydrated he was hospitalised. Much longer before discovery would not have been good news.
Thing is, situations are preventable but they're scary. They involve the unknown. Who will provide the care? What sort of horror zone will it be (after all, there are so many bad stories out there)? So some parents shut down the conversation. "I'm alright," "I can do this for a long time to come yet," - or they use other methods that guarantee to shut it down - "who have you been talking to?", or "Have you taken your meds/is your mental health playing up?" - anything to avoid the topic.
Simple response: raise the subject a different way. Ask Mum if she's written her will. Talk to her about planning for emergencies. In my job I always used to tell carers that you can plan for nice things but eventually the bad stuff will always happen, and you need to plan for that.
Example: My youngest son, who has autism, was due to stay with us for five nights while his kitchen was upgraded by his landlord. We arranged his care support to make sure he had plenty to keep him occupied, and set up a backup plan that if the kitchen took longer for any reason, he'd stay a full extra week until his Christmas plans set in. Staff were prepared and we got on with it. When we heard from the builders that the wiring in the kitchen had proved unable to cope with the changes, it was agreed that they would take a couple of extra days. We agreed with everyone that the backup plan would come into play. So we got the job of telling Mike. He was not thrilled. But once he realised we had a "plan B" that he could see meant no real disruption to his Christmas plans with a little help from Mum taking him in the car to fetch his Christmas presents to us, he settled down.
If we hadn't planned for it...we'd have had to rush round and ask Mike's care team to change all their plans, and if/when we got agreement we'd then have to tell Mike, who would have picked up on the stress the moment he walked in, and he would have been a lot more difficult to settle.
So your could try talking to your Mum about being prepared. It's not just for scouts. It makes it easier for everyone. Maybe start with a grab sheet for hospitals for each of you. Something that gives a short medical history and lists the current prescriptions. You know how hard it can be when you're worried about someone and the hospital staff ask those questions. If it's all written out beforehand, you can simply hand it over. I suggested that to my Mum years ago and she always had a printout in her purse about my Dad's many conditions. She sometimes carried more than one and found it much less stressful than trying to think of things in a busy A&E. Maybe you could set up a hospital grab bag for each of you. Decide what needs to go in it. Then go on to the heavier stuff.
Mum's not getting any younger and she needs to think about what she wants to happen to her son when she's gone - and that has to take your needs into account. You have every right to say that you'll be there to sort things out with social services but that you won't be doing all the caring for him, that you have a life. It's a tough thing to do, and you may need to get some help with that, perhaps from a social worker. It won't be the first time they've come across this sort of thing.
Whatever you do, whatever you decide, remember that you're doing the right thing for you, and that's perfectly ok.
