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Not sure what to do. - Carers UK Forum

Not sure what to do.

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Hi my father is 96 and has recently had phenomenon along with other related illness ie stroke, pigeon lung, and heart failure. He is currently at home with carers but he is now saying he does not want any care as he can look after himself. He has medication 3 times a day and the cares give him this. He is a very proud person and says he can take his own meds but when I go Round I find meds on the floor which he should have taken.. I have left notes for cares to watch him take his meds as his eye sight is very poor... (he has had new glasses but still can not see properly) he has to pay for his care as he Has money so cannot get help... He is old school and very tight on spending it.
He gets attendance allowance and a good pension which will pay for his care and will not touch his savings.

I am very stressed about this situation as I am his daughter and I have taken the roll of the parent now as dad can be very argumentative with me. I also look after my husband who has, had 2 strokes and a heart attack. I just need dad to have care so it takes the pressure of me.. But if he refuses and wants to cancel his care what are my options.
I also have an olderly person brother who agrees with me.
We are both finding dad very challenging at times.
Think dimentia has kicked in as he goes to bed them wakes up in the early hours.. Between 1 to 3am and thinks it's morning and has breakfast. When cares go in around 7 they put he is up and dressed and had breakfast.. They just give him meds.. Dinner time they just give meds as dad had mico meal.. Tea call is meds as dad refused meal or has already eaten. Dad does not go to bed he sleeps in recliner chair and he sleeps in his clothes.
Hello Melanie,

Hubby first, ideally in such a way that allows you to oversee/manage whatever care is needed rather than deliver it (unless you are ok/safe to do it) so that you can enjoy being husband/wife and maintain your home life as well as your own long term health.

With the utmost respect you must also know that aside from the Pride when your father dismisses the assistance offered to him, it is an act of manipulation because while in reality he can't manage without some help he knows you will step in to fill the vacuum and thats just unfair to both yourself and your husband, and your dad will unlikely change at this point in his life.

The argumentative part just pushes this over the edge, as you likely know by this point, caring is a powder keg of stress when all parties are on the same page, never mind when your loved one is biting the proverbial hand trying to feed them. This makes the situation with your father untenable.

Most importantly you don't mention your own needs. You deserve happiness too.

Placeholder post as I can tell you some folks here are very experienced in this exact situation, just wished to show some solidarity with the situation you are in.

Best wishes