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Urgently need help - Carers UK Forum

Urgently need help

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
My mother who had an aneurysm 11 years ago unfortunately became bed bound after surgery. Since then my Dad, Brother and myself have been looking after her although my Dad doing most of the work because I have had a full time job since the age of 17 and I am now 29. When my mother first came out of hospital I do not think she realised she would never walk again; her behavior was quite good as what I can remember but as I am writing this now she is actually too much for me and my brother to deal with now. My Dad passed away the end of last month from a heart attack; he was 83. My mother is very demanding; she is on a lot of medicine; including morphine which she is dependent on plus one which none of her care workers are allowed to give her. Myself and my brother have been trying to do everything including administering her medicine; washing and organizing travel for her to go to my dads funeral; my brother has finally give up and has washed his hands of her. My mother has made false accusations against him several times saying he has hit her (i know that he hasnt) had the police out several times with each time they come my mother just says we dont look after her properly or make her cups of tea. She keeps us up of a night because she sleeps in the day due to her medicine or she has been to the toilet because she is incontinent. Social Services are now involved and have been called by my brother today to come as soon as possible because he refuses to look after her now. I have a full time job and I have been off for 3 weeks and I have to go back soon or I risk losing my job which I do not want. We need help desperately! :(
Aaron - yes, you do need help desperately! I'm afraid it's perfectly clear that your mother has gone far beyond the care of even you and your brother, and it's 'good' that your brother has 'called time' on using up his life on his mother (and that she is so ungrateful with it!), because it really does force the issue.

I'm afraid that SS will do nothing while you remain 'on duty' for your mum, so the only way to make them act is to withdraw your care. Tell her GP/SS that you are rturning to full time work, and will not be available to do ANY care.

Where do you live? Alas, it's time to move out if you are with your mum in her property. Obviously you can't sleep there if she is not sleeping at night, as she will just keep you up and awake so you can't get to work the next day.

To my mind, the time has come for your mum to be in full time residential care. She will have teams of carers there on duty 24x7, who can cope with her demands, and her sleeplessness and her incontinence.

SO many people here - myself included - say that when their caree moves into residential care they finally 'get their mum back'! ie, when someone else is doing all the 'drudge work' of caring (that you and your bro have been doing with your dad), you can actually spent 'quality time' with her, and get your relationship back with her (if it's salvagble.)

Whatever your mum thinks about residential care is, alas, irrelevant. She now NEEDS it - it's not an option to refuse because YOU have your own life to lead. You've given far too much time to her already (and she doesn't sound grateful or appreciative in the slightest!). ANY MOTHER would NOT want their adult children to spend their lives on them - I have a son a little younger than you and it's essential he has his own life, his own work and career and so on. This is what your mum must want for you - the 'good mum' that is, I hope, somewhere deep inside (and if it isn't, it should be - and if it isn't, then you don't have to waste another moment on her!)

So, please, go back to work, having informed your mum's GP/SS you are out of the house now (and move out, please, ASAP). Only when their hands are forced will the SS do something!

You will have to be firm - and stick to it. I hope your brother supports you in this and sticks by you, and you can present a united and determined front to SS.

All the best. Once your mum is in residential care things will get SO much easier! For you and your brother and for her!

Kind regards, Jenny
Hi Aaron, welcome to the forum.
How old is your mother? It is a real shame that dad insisted on caring for her himself without help from outside. Did he ever talk to you about what should happen if he died first?
The sad fact is that mum now NEEDS 24/7 care. When my mum was desperately ill, residential care became the only option left, so I know all about the heartache this brings, and so do many other forum members.
Who owns the house where mum is living? Do you have your own home somewhere else? I'm really concerned that you do not make yourself homeless by accident - more about that later depending on your answers.
Social Services must now take responsibility for mum's care, TELL them, in no uncertain terms, that you must go back to work on a particular date, which will leave mum without care, ideally next Monday. Don't take No for an answer.
Tell your brother what you are doing, and get him to help you get things ready. You will need to pack a bag of nightdresses, slippers, dressing gown, toilet bag etc. Make sure they are all named.
Do NOT leave any valuables in the house if it will be unattended. There will still be a lot of work sorting out the house, especially if you live elsewhere.
My mom is 62; she despises care homes as she was put in a few before before she played up and then was took out of them again. My Dad is a great man and should of not been doing what he has been these past 11 years; he never said anything just told me and my brother we should set up a business so im sure he knew she would have to go into care. We live in a now 4 bedroom house rented from the council which has been adapted for a disabled person. Me and my brother have nowhere else to go although my brother is planning on going to his girlfriends temporarily if the social workers do not sort something out soon. I've told work i'd be back on the 9th March which is 2 days after my Dads funeral. Me and my brother have been sorting out the house; packing away things; both mine his and my moms although she told us she wanted her stuff not packed because she thought we was going to take hers with us so we've unpacked hers again. We have both talked about things and I did suggest to him we wait for the Social Workers to come out Thursday before we make any rash decisions.

I thank you for your replies it has lifted a lot of weight off of me, the exhaustion I feel right now is unreal.
Aaoron, it would be a good idea for you to speak to the council about your tenancy rights before packing up and leaving. Maybe talk to Shelter. In some areas, as you have been living there, you might have a right to take over the tenancy. Or you might not. But please find out, one way or the other.
Yes, most definitely talk to Shelter straight away. Do not sign away anything on the tenancy or make any statements at this stage.

First of all, give your Dad a good send-off. This is a very difficult time for you, both in practical terms, and emotional. I would say, though, that even if the funeral itself is fraught, you can always go back to the chapel (is it a crem, or interment), and have a little time to yourself for saying your own private 'goodbye'. I'm glad you have your brother, and he has you.

When you look at the financial situation, do you earn enough for you to be able to rent a place of your own, if it comes to it? (Would the council offer you a two-bed place for you and your bro, in exchange for giving up the four-bed - which is probably in huge demand anyway, given the housing shortage, so they might be willing to do that!). Could you and your brother afford a place together do you think - or could you even move in with him and his girlfriend just for the time being, while you sort things out (my nephew had a one bed flat for him and his g/f and a mate moved in and slept on the sofa in the lounge for about six months to help with the rent!) (tricky, but it worked) - or maybe if the girlfriend is willing you could all three take a place together and split the rent three ways??

I'm glad you feel a bit of the crushing weight lifting. Keep posting, and there are so many here who have been through a lot of what you are now negotiating, plus there is the whole team of experts on Carers UK (email them rather than the busy helpline) to ask about things like finances, benefits, etc etc etc.

You've done REALLY well in holding things together. Now it's time for you and your brother to get your own lives, and see your mum settled into a care home.

Wishing you all the very best at such a difficult time - kindest wishes to a brave young man, Jenny
I earn roughly 900+ a month. I work 35 hours a week in a hotel but I have a 35 hour contract. My brother doesn't work but will be looking for work and his girlfriend is starting a 0 hour contract job pretty soon so financially it would be ok I think. My brother would have some funds from the will our dad left us for a bit but obviously he would need to find a job soon.

Just to let you know we had the social worker out and she came out by herself this time and the decision is that my mom is staying put; she will not consider going into care; we've tried talking to her so me and my brother are moving out when we can. I am amazed that the social worker is allowing it considering my mom requires morphine and nobody will be here to give it her when she needs it; who is going to do her washing; the cleaning? I think our social worker was pulled out the ground on the day when she came.
Aaron, in my area, they are replacing trained social workers with untrained, inexperienced staff.
As long as you have somewhere to live, yo are doing the right thing. I learned too late in life, that if you don't look after yourself and put yourself first, no one else will.
As a working carer Social Services should be doing everything possible to make sure you are getting lots of support and still work, but clearly in your area, that just isn't happening. Keep in touch.
Glad to hear you'll be moving out, and that at least a social worker turned up to see what the situation was with your mum. She's probably hping you'll cave in and stay to look after her! But no, you go, and then when you visit your mum, you do NOTHING for her (ie, no caring, just a social visit) and report what you find to the SS. They won't do anything if they can get you to do it.

If things deterioriate for your mum, once you and your bro are living out, and only social visiting, not helping to look after her, she may finally accept she can't cope on her own any more, and either accept more outside help or go into residential care.

When are you moving out?

All best, Jenny
Update:

Not much has happened in regards to finding a place; will be difficult as my brother has no money and no job and I have what i've earned from work. We both are desperate to move out as everyday is a struggle with my mother. Tonight for one; her final care workers came about 8pm and were gone by half 8 after changing her; 35 minutes later my mom tells us that she had been the toilet; she is also wiping herself with tissue and leaving it on her and around the table and got it on the phone so we had to disinfect everything; so we ring the district nurses as all the carers had gone home; they came out changed my mom and not 10 minutes after they had gone she had been again; she is now lying in her own feces. On top of this she is generally being difficult; she was rude to the carers this evening and said she wanted them to go; shes been hounding me and my brother about shoes that shes wearing to my dads funeral although we've got them; yes they arent the nicest looking shoes; they are slippers with adjustable velcro but she needs them as her foot is swollen but she insist on wearing flats/pumps; she will still look nice. She also is crying for us to play a song at the funeral even though she told us too late and the music has already been sorted plus she wants a song played that some of the attendees had for my cousin when he passed away not long ago and would be very upset if they were to hear it so ive refused this. She is still begging us not to go because now my eldest brother plans to move in and take the reins; ive tried to tell him how much hard work she is but unless he is here for a few nights then maybe he will realise; she doesnt want him to because of the grandchildren being here too and the grandchildren will be too much for my mom and she will be too much for them. She talks ill of my brother when hes not in and talks bad about my and my brother to the carers and says we do not do anything. Me and my brother really are at breaking point and it could be months before we are able to move out! :(