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Noob from Northern Ireland - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Noob from Northern Ireland

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi Brian

I m also from NI and my partner also has E.U.P.D. and a physical disability as well. It is hard going for me as I also cook, clean and generally do everything else in between. She has also been in hospital twice in the past year due to suicidal thoughts and three times since her diagnosis, the only difference between me and you is that we do not have young children although having a 20 year old can be just as difficult.

Has your wife been referred for D.B.T. (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy)? I have heard good things about it and it may be something you could look into for her. I also suffer from depression and anxiety and am taking 50mg of Sertraline for the former.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

Sorry I haven't been on for a while. It's been pretty busy and hectic for a while.

No I don't believe my wife has been for DBT. She was attending a "group therapy" type thing for about a year and a half, but that has come to an end sadly, and although my wife has improved and is managing her EUPD better, I still feel she could benefit from at least getting out of the house and interacting with other people.

We moved house two weeks before Christmas and on the night of the move my wife came down with that Noro-virus that was going about.

She also had a bit of a breakdown too. Since then I've pretty much been doing everything and haven't really had any time to myself at all.

As well as running the house I had to go out and do the Xmas shopping and tried my best to keep a bit of the "magic" for the kids. I've also been trying to decorate the house too.

It's all starting to get to me at the moment I fear. I've had to drop some of my interests outside of the home as I simply can't get out. I was a Marshall for a few rally events, as I love rallying. I was recently voted into my Motor Club as assistant competition secretary, but again I have had to resign from this role before I've even had the chance to do anything.

I really feel like I am losing the last little bits of who I was . . .
Brian, moving house just before Christmas must have been horrendous!

Have you asked Social Services for those assessments yet? You really do need time out for yourself.

Would you like support to help you cook proper food? My own cooking is often very simple, chopping up a load of meat and veg and putting it in a casserole in the oven. Social Services might be able to pay for a few cooking classes, as it is support in your caring role.
Yea it was tough moving just before Xmas. If it wasn't for the fact that I hired Swift Shift I honestly don't think we would have been able to move. They went above and beyond what I would say is their normal service and even packed stuff away for me before moving it!

As mentioned I then had to go out and get the kids their presents for Xmas, something my wife normally does well in advance, but I did a week before Xmas. I put the tree up one night after everyone was in bed, didn't get to bed until 2am myself that night, all in the effort to try and make it special for the kids. I told them Santa's elves did it as I was busy trying to unpack stuff lol.

Asfor the assessments, no I haven't had them done. We have had Social Services involved for a few years for the children and not once have they mentioned any such assessments? although now I come
To think of it my wife did get a few items a few months ago, such as a shower stool and a hand rail for the bed to help her in and out, would that be under the Needs Assessment?

I know that my GP does a form of Carers Assessment, and I'm due to see my new GP (we had to change due to the house move) this week so I'll mention it to him then.

As for the benefits side of things, I know that I'm getting carers allowance from the DLA office which is tied in with my wife's DLA claim. The carers allowance is paid directly to me though.
Brian, the shower stool may have come from either Social Services or the GP. If you go to the "Help and Advice" tab at the top of the page, you will find lots of information about Carers Assessments and Needs Assessments. Ask Social Services to do one, and make sure you are sent a draft copy of each for correction if necessary, then you know it's been done properly.

Has your wife ever been shown how to balance what she does with her pain? I had a very serious car accident years ago ( a boy racer wrote my husband's Range Rover off). I couldn't take much pain relief medication as I've only got one kidney, and most pain relief affects kidney function.
An article in Arthritis news helped hugely. It suggested that you worked out what you could, and could not do. Start by a day doing very little, so little pain. Then every day do a bit more, and a bit more, until you reached the point where the pain was bad, then did less the next day, until the pain eased off. I found some things made the pain worse than others, but I could predict it, and manage it. So if I needed to go shopping in a department store, it was very painful, so I'd plan in advance for a quiet day doing less painful jobs, the next, things like paperwork which I could do sat in my reclining chair. I also found that if I took short breaks in my recliner throughout the day, I managed to get more done than pushing and pushing until I was fed up and in bad pain. So I always sat in my recliner for 10 minutes when I had a cup of tea.
Maybe your wife could try this, with your support, so that she can end up doing some things to help you which don't cause her too much discomfort. You need as much help as you can get.
Do you have a washer/dryer or tumble dryer? This would help keep the laundry under control, your children should be able to help with this, making sure their uniform is clean and dry. A dishwasher would help too. My 4 year old grandson loads mine when he comes to stay, and helps unload it. Both are good life skills for the children to learn. If you can't afford them, funding may be available from various sources.
Hi again @bowlingbun

Now I think of it the shower stool and bed rail came from OT via my wife's social worker.

Yea my wife has done a lot of research into Fibromyalgia and one of the things mentioned was what you have very accurately described about balancing what she can do against her pain threshold.

The problem is my wife is quite headstrong at times (a contradiction I know with the EUPD) and once she gets an idea into her head, such as the laundry/hoovering or some other housework type idea, she won't let it go until the task is completed, regardless of how much pain she finds herself in.

She simply will not listen to me telling her to go sit down or to take it easy.

Thankfully it's been weeks since she has done anything like that, since she threw her back trying to move some boxes when looking for something. That and the fact I don't think she has ever really got her strength back after contracting that noro virus.

The haven't looked at the help tabs yet as I'm worried they may be more mainland U.K. Based rather than N.Ireland?
Brian - have a look at our Carers UK N Ireland pages

Hi Brian,

I would definitely recommend you contact Carers UK Northern Ireland for help, if you haven't already done so. You need a break now and again from your caring role and from being a full-time daddy and before you start to feel resentful that you don't have time for yourself.

Well done to you for all you do for your wife and kids.