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Carers UK Forum • Newby
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Newby

Posted: Mon Jul 22, 2019 9:35 am
by Alan_1807
Newby here first post. So glad I am not alone in my experienes I am 55 and have been caring for my wife since 2012. She is unable to be intimate and unwilling. I still love her and want to be with her but it feels I have to deny my sexuality as a basic expectation of being a Carer, be noble, be strong be self sacrificing just don't expect basic human physical contact. Sorry don't mean to whine. There must be other carers that feel this way?

Re: Newby

Posted: Mon Jul 22, 2019 10:03 am
by Ayjay
Alan_1807 wrote:
Mon Jul 22, 2019 9:35 am
Newby here first post. So glad I am not alone in my experienes I am 55 and have been caring for my wife since 2012. She is unable to be intimate and unwilling. I still love her and want to be with her but it feels I have to deny my sexuality as a basic expectation of being a Carer, be noble, be strong be self sacrificing just don't expect basic human physical contact. Sorry don't mean to whine. There must be other carers that feel this way?
You're definitely not alone Alan, I'm in a very similar situation, although my wife would be willing she's not really capable and hasn't been particularly interested since the menopause, although prior to her disability becoming worse she always understood my needs and did at least enjoy the physical connection.

We did discuss this recently and she was willing to try, but for me, it would completely lack any spontaneity and that just wouldn't do it for me. We no longer share a bed as hers is a profiling bed and we no longer even share a bedroom as she can only sleep on her back and can't change position herself and so she snores more or less all night which would keep me awake. That all makes any spontaneity pretty much impossible, I don't want to have to make an appointment to be intimate with my wife.

I don't know what the answer is, I'm 69 now and everything still works just fine, it would be easier for me if it didn't, Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters still get plenty of work.

Re: Newby

Posted: Sun Feb 21, 2021 12:02 pm
by Alan_1807
Ayjay wrote:
Mon Jul 22, 2019 10:03 am
Alan_1807 wrote:
Mon Jul 22, 2019 9:35 am
Newby here first post. So glad I am not alone in my experienes I am 55 and have been caring for my wife since 2012. She is unable to be intimate and unwilling. I still love her and want to be with her but it feels I have to deny my sexuality as a basic expectation of being a Carer, be noble, be strong be self sacrificing just don't expect basic human physical contact. Sorry don't mean to whine. There must be other carers that feel this way?
You're definitely not alone Alan, I'm in a very similar situation, although my wife would be willing she's not really capable and hasn't been particularly interested since the menopause, although prior to her disability becoming worse she always understood my needs and did at least enjoy the physical connection.

We did discuss this recently and she was willing to try, but for me, it would completely lack any spontaneity and that just wouldn't do it for me. We no longer share a bed as hers is a profiling bed and we no longer even share a bedroom as she can only sleep on her back and can't change position herself and so she snores more or less all night which would keep me awake. That all makes any spontaneity pretty much impossible, I don't want to have to make an appointment to be intimate with my wife.

I don't know what the answer is, I'm 69 now and everything still works just fine, it would be easier for me if it didn't, Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters still get plenty of work.
Hi Sorry I didn't reply so quickly but pressures of a carers existence I afraid. We are definitely one of those embarrassing sections of society that are meant to shut up and go away even by members of our own community. Hope things go well for you. A

Re: Newby

Posted: Tue Feb 23, 2021 1:22 am
by Cloudygal
Hi there

Us carers give up so much. Why should we give up that as well.

Surely there's no harm in a few sneaky snogs here and there post pandemic of course.

🤣