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Newbie - Only-child struggling with mother's dementia - Carers UK Forum

Newbie - Only-child struggling with mother's dementia

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi, my first time on this site -

I'm Jane, my mother has dementia and is in a care home. I'm an only child, in my 40's (currently feeling about 8 again, still needing my mum!) my parents divorced and don't see my dad. I have some great friends, but I'm struggling with the different stages of mum's illness and what feels like bereavment before she has died.

I'm trying to make the best of the relationship we have and visit her 4-5 days a week and I'm doing my best to cope with full time work, visting mum, dealing with all the stuff that goes on in the care home and life in general, but seeing the cup as half full is hard at the moment - I think it's the 'only child thing' that's getting to me, I feel unsupported, that no one really understands how hard it is to slowly 'loose' the one person who I've always been so close to me all my life - we've been through so much together after my dad left us when I was 5. I read stuff and it tells me you don't really ever come to terms with it - mum really started getting ill about 20 years ago with a breakdown and has had diagnosed dementia for 12 years - but if you don't ever come to terms with it then how do you ever really accept it or have peace of mind? It's such a cruel illness and mum has been through so much in her life before the dementia even started and made so many sacrifices for me, it feels very unfair and so sad. And the thought things are only going to get worse with mum's dementia, perhaps not even recognising me one day, and she will eventually die and how I will cope without her is really tormenting me - I know it has to happen but it feels so draining and overwhelming. I know I need to get things in perspective but it's so hard when you are living with it every day.
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I'm going to join a support group near me later in the week and hope that may help me.

Is anyone else out there experiencing the same sort of thing? I've had emails from other sources saying having brothers and sisters who are useless is worse, but that doesn't help me! I'd be so grateful to hear from any other 'only-children' on their experiences/coping tips. Thanks. Yours perplexingly. Image
Hi

Welcome to the forum
I look after my hubby so not the same situation but I didn't want to read and run. I'm sure someone will be along soon who can offer advice
welcome to the forum Jane.
I care for my dad he has mobility probs ect. Im sure the others will be along soon to welcome you.
sending u hugs ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))
Kat x
Hi and welcome. Sorry I can't offer advice either, but we have members who can and will.
You will find a lot of empathy and support here ((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))
Hi and welcome. Sorry I can't offer advice either, but we have members who can and will.
You will find a lot of empathy and support here ((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))

Thank you to those who have welcomed me. Janetx
hi janet my mum had dementia i have a brother but he did not go to the care home to see here so i was on my one and yes it was hard i am also careing for my wife so yes it is hard you can only do what you can do you dont need to feel guilty she is beeing cared for take care and GOD BLESS Image
Hi welcome,
Reading your post brings tears to my eyes, I know exactly how you feel, My
mum passed away a couple of months back. she suffered a long time with numerous
illnesses and the dreaded dementia . So I'm afraid I have been there got T shirt etc.
Isolation seem to be part of the caring life I'm afraid. It was only me and mum for a long time, and she was housebound as well. It's easy said, but try not to be too hard on yourself, you will
need all your strength, it sounds like you have your priorities right. Just go with your own
instincts, day by day.
You are doing you BEST
This is a good crowd here.
Take care Image
Minnie
Hi welcome,
Reading your post brings tears to my eyes, I know exactly how you feel, My
mum passed away a couple of months back. she suffered a long time with numerous
illnesses and the dreaded dementia . So I'm afraid I have been there got T shirt etc.
Isolation seem to be part of the caring life I'm afraid. It was only me and mum for a long time, and she was housebound as well. It's easy said, but try not to be too hard on yourself, you will need
all your strength, it sounds like you have your priorities right. Just go with your own
instincts, day by day.
You are doing you BEST
This is a good crowd here.
Take care Image
Minnie
Thank you Mini - so sorry to hear you have lost your mother recently. Thanks for your support, I do hope you had support when you needed it and that you still do. Take care Janet x
hi janet my mum had dementia i have a brother but he did not go to the care home to see here so i was on my one and yes it was hard i am also careing for my wife so yes it is hard you can only do what you can do you dont need to feel guilty she is beeing cared for take care and GOD BLESS Image
Not sure you received my post - I'm new to this? Sorry if you now receive two! Thank you for your kind words of support, you have alot going on too, take care of yourself. I do have a faith and it does help, all we can do is pray and try to stay strong. God bless you too. Janetx
hi
im in a similar situation except in my 50s

my problems started when i was 18 my dad died and mom got depressed so i had a lot of caering to do from then

since then i had a good to great life dont get me wrong wife (now divorced) kids (they are great) uni good jos but all the time mom has demanded that she came first and i coule balance that untill she got to about 70 and things started to slip the troule is two fold for me 1 the prolem that mom wants me here all the time even though i am not suposed to stay at her flat (ease holdcondition)

and the on going threats to self harm

i must admit i find it extreamly hard to cope but some how i do Image

one big help is talking to people that know what you are doing and the problems you face

you will cope i know you will hey if i can then you know what its posible but if you have a problem then ask for help