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Another 'newbie' - Carers UK Forum

Another 'newbie'

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hallo everyone. I'm H, and I support my adult daughter who currently lives with me. She is a health professional.

L has been diagnosed with BPD. She has clearly suffered for many years with it gradually getting worse. It is hard to describe all her symptoms as she rapidly cycles - very tearful one minute, angry the next; grateful for my help, accusing me of never listenng to her; wanting to live with me, wanting to move out; anyone who cares for someone with BPD probably recognises what I'm saying.

I'm 63 and I have a non-malignant brain tumour which can give me minor seizures (I don't collapse, I just feel very unwell and anxious) as well as making me clumsy and forgetful. Dependng on her mood, Jane is either very supportive or just finds it a PITA if you get my meaning.

Sometimes I say the right thing, sometimes I get it wrong - and when I do it's hell. She either bursts into tears and says that I never listen to her (trust me, I do. I was a professional 'listener'), gets angry with me and tells me how annoying I am, and that it happens all the time - that's why she should move out.

She often tells me that she wishes that she hadn't been born and that it was the most selfish thing I could have done.
She is in touch with her dad but she hates him, as she realises that many of her problems arise from his emotional treatment of her as a child.
She has just been prescribed Sertraline
I am exhausted. I have depression myself and am on long term medication. I need support myself. It would be good to talk with people who understand.
Thank you.
Hi HIlary,
welcome to the forum.

It sounds like life with your daughter is a rather roller coaster ride and on top of that you are dealing with your own health issues. I don't care for someone with MH issues but I do know how exhausting it can be living with someone who can be unpredictable, need support themselves but not give you much support back.

I hope venting on here helps you and the new med helps your daughter.

Will you need an op?

Melly1
Thanks Melly 1. Iy was kind of you to get back to me. Much appreciated.
We're having a good evening at the moment, and I hope nothing happens to change that. Even seeing a 'nasty' story on the news - like someone beng cruel to a dog - can upset her so much that she hates the world, hates being a human, wishes she were dead, that she 'can't do this'.
She is not suicidal, but of course I worry that she will harm herself when she's in one of her major downward spirals, and not live to regret it.
She has seen her GP, one of whom was understanding and sympathetic, the other was a chocolate teapot and managed to make things worse.
As for me, I may need an op but the tumour is very slow growing, and at the moment the risks very much outweigh the benefits.
Just being able to type this is helping me - thank you.

I hope that you are getting the support that you need as a carer. I see that you are supporting someone with autism, and I have a small idea of how challenging that can be. My friend, whose young daughter is non-verbal and severly autistic, gets no help at all from any of the services that are supposed to be there for support.It makes me mad.

Thank you again for replying
Hi Hilary,
glad you are having a good evening. It must be very exhausting treading on eggshells.

I went through very tough times with S when he was in his later teens to mid 20s!! But, thankfully he more settled again now he is a bit older. We do have a very autism-friendly lifestyle. Problems arise when others give him foods that trigger his IBS or reflux, when he is too hot, tired or having a lot of tics.

He is currently quite happy using his laptop, hence I'm on mine.

You should suggest your friend joins the forum too.

If you are using your and your daughter's real names, you might want to change your user name.

Melly1
Hi Hilary. Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry to hear about all this. BPD is a hard condition to deal with. Not just for the sufferer, but loved ones too.

Sertraline is commonly prescribed for BPD and can be very effective alongside Amitriptaline, too. It sounds like the doctors are on the right track.

Although your daughter might depend on attention for her own esteem, it's important for you to have time for yourself. Are you able to go out? Are there others who live with you or support you?
I find it worrying that a Healthcare professional is suffering so much. Is the job causing her too much stress?
I'm no professional but having seen my son go through 7 years of anxiety/mental health issues, and having read many threads on here, I have come to the conculsion that it is much harder for the carers/loved ones supporting those with mental health issues than it is for the sufferers themselves. They, often, can blame/offload into those around them whilst the carers have no support, no recourse and no one to go to.

Therefore the carers have to be more self reliant , more tough and more self loving than the average person.

So Hilary, especially with your own health issues, you have to put yourself first and your daughter second. Hard to say to a mother I know, but your daughter does have choices how she behaves, how she manages her condition, how she treats you.
You need to start looking after yourself, emotionally, physically, socially. By doing this you are not being selfish, you are in effect modelling good healthy behaviours that she can see working and can choose to adopt for herself.

I am also lending you the forum's invisible Teflon shield coat. Any time she throws a blame barb at you the coat lets it just slide right off as if it were nothing. Sometimes it even deflects it back at her, silently but back where it belongs. Her accusations are hers, nothing to do with you.
You are her loving mother, not her counsellor, not her psychiatrist. Like when she was a child you set clear boundaries of acceptable behaviour and consequences for bad behaviour. You let her learn from her bad choices. She isn't 5 any more.
You deserve to be an adult you, not a parent constantly. Love and treat yourself well

Hope some of this helps. I learned it the hard way, but it worked for us
Xx
MrsA