Newbie looking for advice on ways forward elderly parents

[Alice_1604]

Thank you Elaine you are very kind,
I do think we all have to remember that no one was born old!
I am still trying to work out how I got into this Old body!

My husband is in his mid eighties and has small vessel disease so his memory and cognitive ability have declined. When he has infections his behavior can get a bit odd. I can get very tired, I am as you say not so young.

We both do Tao chi, we started about 6 months ago. It does help with balance and exercises the body and brain. We also have a good laugh, it is easy to go wrong. My husband was most ungainly but it is amazing how he has smooth out.
We did yoga when younger but you would not know from my shape!

I have a lovely daughter living nearby and she is a great mutual support, but I fear being a burden so try to manage as independently as possible. She has her busy life, and grandchildren.

We both have Lasting Power of attorneys in place, both for finance and also for health and care.
We have prepaid funerals, we bought these many years ago when my own parents were worried about spending because of their funeral cost.
We dealt with this by buying our own and telling them about it.
They decided it was a good idea, bought their own and then continued to spend quite happily.
Sometimes when dealing with others, old or young, example works in a kinder way I have found.

Going into a home is such a difficult one, we all want our own home and space.
I think I may have to get around to what I would need should I have to move into one. Sometimes I find to plan for the worst then put it right aside saves worry about something that may never happen!
So a sky view to watch the clouds would be first on my list!

I hope your life is going smoothly. Thank you again for your kind words, they lifted me up, Alice X

[jakki_1603]

Alice - you sound like such a lovely person, and I admire you for your attitude. It's true when you say none of us expects to be old. I've always had a problem with the term 'burden' because we don't generally refer to our children as a 'burden' but somehow we've got into that habit with our parents and I know I was a 'burden' to my parents!! I can recall when going into sheltered accommodation there was always a warden who would do everything - and then things changed, people had to sign agreements that said if they needed care they would move out - surely not what this sort of thing was intended for. But I admire your foresight with trying to plan for the worst case scenario.

[Alice_1604]

Thank you,

[costa16]

Thanks all for taking the time to reply! Some really useful info from people who have experience of similar situations.

Replying to specific points
- 1 sibling who would be unable to currently offer much support due to their family circumstances
- they are not living in a house I would want to live in in the future
- have got Health Power of Att

Me and my wife wont want to move to be near them, they probably wouldn`t want to move in with us or near us (although my Mum prob would if my Dad "went" first ), and so it will probably pan out something like - staying in their own home with increasing amounts of help until one or both need to move to a nursing home. I did write a much longer reply but it disappeared when I hit submit!

Thanks again - Costa x

[bowlingbun]

Long posts disappear if you take too long writing them, I think about an hour. It's really irritating at times!
If they want to stay in their home as long as possible (so would I) then think if there are any ways to streamline life there, minimising work. Over the next week or two, write down the things which cause most problems to daily living, then think about how the job could be ditched altogether (no need to iron if garments are tumble dried, for example).

[Scally]

Well, we can just drift on, I guess, but given the fact that life expectancy is rising very fast, that might lead to a cliff edge. My parents are in their mid-nineties, and may well reach 100. So:
First rules of thumb:

- Maximise income. That means exploring and maximising Attendance Allowance, Pension credits, investments and savings, and even considering moving to a smaller, more practical and affordable home whilst renting out or selling the large family home for extra income and/or capital.

- Minimise expenditure. Many older people have very poor long term contracts with expensive utility providers and never shop around for better electric or gas prices, cable TV, insurance, banking etc.