Newbie from Wales.

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Hi everyone, my name is Pat I have recently become a member of Carersuk. My husband suffered a Stroke in 2008 quite a while ago now but life for me seems to be getting worse. The Stroke left my husband with speech problems but virtually no physical problems. So although I am his Carer it is more for everyday life procedures, banking, telephone calls,post,making appointments that sort of thing not any personal care. So whats my problem I hear you ask,over the last year my husband has stopped taking all his medication, refuses to go to the Doctors as he claims there is nothing wrong with him. Now he says that he doesn't want to be with me anymore ( we have been together for 25 years) but won't tell me why. I understand how frustrating his life must be because it is difficult for him to communicate but he gets by as most people are kind and understanding and give him the time he needs, but for me I do not know what I am waking up to each day will he be pleasant, will he want to talk to me. If only he would try to explain what it is I have done or simply tell me he no longer loves me at least I would know. This is a second marriage for both of us we do not have children together, I have 2 grown up children who have children of their own, they get on ok with my husband. My husband has children but hasn't seen them for nearly 20 years, their choice not his. I know no one has miracle answers for me but just writing this gets it off my chest. Any thoughts would be greatly received xP.S I am 60 my husband 68!
Welcome to the forum Pat
Sorry to hear your life is so frustrating. My husband is in a nursing home because of strokes and vascular dementia. Different circumstances to yours. However, does your husband seem to have memory problems? I'm wondering, if he has had a TIA ( mini stroke) which has caused this almost change of personality? Mini strokes caused my lovely husband to have changes in his way of thinking, way before my family and myself realised he had suffered them. Somehow, he needs to see a doctor,. I realise he is refusing to. Co operate at the moment. Would one of your children be able to persuade him? Just a thought.
Sending you (((hugs)))
Hi Pet66, thanks for reply. Sorry its been a while I have been in for surgery for total knee replacement. My husband did have TIA not long after his stroke and also major seizure. I have wondered if he is having TIA, but until I can get him to see a Doctor we won't know. My husbands sister is a retired GP and unfortunately she brushes things under the carpet too and she wont talk to him. We are muddling along at the moment and have good days and bad. Once I have recovered from my surgery I am thinking of talking to our GP , as my Husbands carer I think I am allowed to do this!
Sounds like you need some support for yourself after your operation. Muddling through shouldn't be an option. You should have an assessment for yourself. Others will be along with more advice than I can give. In the meantime, write to your husband's GP, explaining the situation,. I ended up doing that to my husband's GP.At least it was in writing.
How shocking, the your husband's sister brushes his health situation under the carpet ( she must have a wealth of knowledge). The least she could do is try.
How is your knee? It's vital for your own wellbeing that you keep doing the exercises. Don't forget! I have two now, love being able to walk pain free again.
I think when we hit our sixties we do start to re-evaluate our lives, mainly because we realise we are on the 'downhill slope' .We stop 'putting off things' because the future into which we can put them off is shrinking!!!!

So I wonder whether your husband is now thinking - OK, I'm looking at 70, I've had a major health issue, which has had lasting effects on me (ie, the communication problems), and I want 'something different' now for my life'......

And that 'something different' is a 'life without my wife'.

All that said, I wonder what it is he REALY wants? Very few men actually WANT to live 'solo' - the stats on remarriage for divorced husbands and widowers are such that 'mot' of them remarry/rehitch. Sometimes it is because they can't cook/clean etc etc (or don't want to), or just get lonelier than women. Or that there are more 'solo' women around for them to pick and choose from, unlike the bleak prospects for a middle-aged woman to remarry!

Do you think, if, say, you went off on an extended visit to your own children, say for a GOOD fortnight, that he might clarify his ideas on whether he does actually want shot of you?!!! OK, maybe he might - it happens, but maybe it will show him that whatever he feels is wrong with his life, it isn't that you are his wife and live-in-companion etc!

I'm also wondering why his children choose not to have anything to do with him? Is this to do with your being his second wife? Do they blame you for any breakdown of his first marriage (if that is what happened, etc). Don't answer this, it's just to pose the issue. Because when children cut a parent out of their lives it's a BIG thing, and usually implies that 'something very deep is wrong or went wrong'.

Whatever has gone wrong, I do think one thing that simply 'muddling along' for the rest of your lives is not a viable way of spending these precious remaining years......