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Newbie who doesn't even trust you - Carers UK Forum

Newbie who doesn't even trust you

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Hello folks,
I'm not sure about all this, don't like to share. I find myself in a bind and not sure who to ask or trust. Here goes.
Mum with dementia. Still a bit mobile, sort of communicates 87. No LPA. Was uber talented but largely unfulfilled. Used victim status as power for most of my life.
Father, 87 finalising close of his 55 year business. Profoundly deaf. Always been THE BOSS. I worshipped him and wanted him to be proud of me. That failed.
Me, nearly 60, only child, supposed full time carer.
Father ALWAYS been very busy, no time, contracts must come first. Now he's home - so much to do, not a minute to himself.
I saw issues with mum years ago but no one would listen.
Father didn't get LPA. I was not informed until too late.
Father blamed the GP surgery in failing to sign she was ok because her gp had retired, she had to see a "big, black west African doctor and just froze and wouldn't talk and he wouldn't agree she was still cognizant"
Mum didn't trust father with her money anyway, so my best guess is she refused to give him LPA and he tried to wing it to the last possible moment, kept it to himself and it went awry.
She had a fall in my care, brain bleed.
Southend hospital said she would never walk again and be incontinent, needing full time care. They never tried to get her walking or take her to the toilet, gave her adult nappies. She would not respond to them.
Father did not put my name on any paperwork. Father did not tell me of any meetings at the hospital.
After a persuasive meeting and letter, Essex Social Care people let father take her home.
Father actively said he wanted to sort it out alone, I have it in writing.
RG, mum's case worker was not told I am supposed to be her carer 35 hours a week. I am not down as a next of kin along with father.
During a recorded phone call to Canada Life, I said some silly things interpreted as my being a risk to my mum. I was reported to RG.
Neither RGor father have heard the recording. He apparently had a meeting with father stating I must not be left unsupervised with my mother. I'm truly grateful for the person at Canada Life for for being proactive towards a vulnerable person.
My concern is, I've been judged and sentenced without a 'hearing' by RG on the strength of just a call.
Furthermore, I discovered by accident dad has been looking into care homes for months. He's been looking after her less than 3 months and says she is going downhill fast.
I cannot be alone with father as he is becoming very irritable and more controlling as he runs the house now not the business.
In an email to his solicitor he states he is planning to start up another business in 3/4 months. Very interesting as he claims in other emails he is retiring to look after his good lady wife.
They live in a big house, plenty of rooms to sleep downstairs, to have a shower room. Plus a large warm conservatory.
Father INSISTS everything must be done precisely how he says. Intolerant. Badgers mum to keep a napkin on her when eating. Must put cup on a coaster. I think it's bullying. He simply cannot understand why she won't 'do as she's told' he will not change his ways for her needs.
How deeply do the care services look into the background of the family members?
It concerns me he refuses to tell me anything, tells me to stop lecturing him and I've upset absolutely everyone he knows with my foul behaviour and selfish attitude. He only shares the bad stuff with them not my emails begging to help. He chooses to be busy and refuse help. That's normal for him anyway.
I believe he wanted her home to prove a point. Now he doesn't want her there, can't live his life how he wants, so will put her in a care home. He could employ a live-in dementia au pair sort of person, or would that cramp his style?
I think he's got early frontotemporal dementia or narcissism or he's just not nice and I never realised he's been controlling for many years.
I rang CAB, no reply or answerphone.
I rang Essex Social Care months ago, before mum's fall, no one rang back as promised.
I rang RG, he promised to call me. HA HA HA.
I even rang Samaritans cos I'd had enough. Gave up holding after 5 minutes.
I am known to be forthright and abrasive because I'm angry and in pain, my triggers with father.
Father told to me seek help because there is obviously something seriously wrong with me, my terrible attitude.
I had learned to say no to him.
I have gone so far as to take off my specs and offer father (ex middle weight boxer) outside cos he was bursting at the seams. I pushed him verbally to the brink, hoping he would snap. He promised he would have, if I was a man. I've sent some foul emails to him in exasperation. Silly me, I played into his hands.
I believe in warts and all, so ask anything, I own my wrong doing, even if the truth hurts.
This is the tip of the iceberg really, so........
Let's open a book on best suggestions!

(Edited to remove name of case worker, moderator.)
What do YOU want most of all, as far as mum is concerned?
Sadly dad will never change, it's way too late, so put mum's future well being as top priority.
Is she going to be better off at home, or in residential care, or...?
Do you live with them, or have your own home?

We had someone nasty in the extended family, I won't go into details, far too painful, but the best thing to do is ignore him and his comments. I have to agree that he does seem to be losing the plot somewhat.
Does mum have money of her own, over £23,000?
Hi and thank you for a reply. New girl, trying to get email alerts, didn't work, whoops.

Mum has enough in her total estate that she would have to self fund.
I'm supposed to live at home. I have lived on non residential land elsewhere for years. That is a WHOLE different can of worms. Not good.
My love for them both has been beaten down. Not rejected as such, mum was always too self obsessed, painting, am- dram, whatever. Self isolating. Got EVERYTHING she wanted. Big detached house, garden, high walls and locked gates. No responsibility. Father worked. That's what he did. Suited both truthfully. They just constantly undermined each other publicly and privately. Very weird. Me in middle.
I don't like her. That's irrelevant. She was damaged goods before I was born I think.

I want her in her own home, in stimulant surroundings with personal, dementia trained carer. She is not in final stages. She's ill not stupid. Her only power is to ignore, pretend to sleep, not respond. She obviously fluctuates between the illness and cognisanse. Lives in sterile,impersonal environment. How deaf father likes it. She will go downhill faster.
I tried to create some positive - bird feeders, pretty things. Father complained, I removed it all.
Father obsessed with her bowel movements, so she's always on some opening medicine. Always a light eater being fed eggs EVERY day. That doesn't seem right.
As father 50% owns, lives in & runs the house, his rules always apply.
Frankly, I want him assessed and possibly removed and her at home.
Did I mention mum and I had to call police about 10 years back when father lost his temper and was arrested? He ardently refuses to accept responsibly, that I lied. He rather likes proving dominance with a hand round my throat. Hence, i won't be alone with him now or it may escalate by my retaliation. I have it on a voice recording from a few weeks ago.
You would adore him, a gentleman, life and soul, well loved & respected, generous & kind.
If I'm not allowed to be alone with her, not next of kin, it looks like tit for tat.
I may not like her, but I've got lots of evidence of her happiness when I took her out. Photos of the polinator & dementia friendly, multilevel, interactive, safe sensory garden I was trying to build. That was dismissed out of hand too.