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My lovely wife - Carers UK Forum

My lovely wife

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Well here goes.

Just can't get over the fact that my wife has dementia and has had to go into a care home.
Feel such a failure. I should have been able to care for her, but was not up to the job.

Everytime I see her I can't stop bursying into tears, and everynight I feel so depressed.

We have been married for 42 years and have two lovely daughters and one new grandchild. I feel she has been cheated of so much, she is only 63.

Thats it really, just a horrible mess.
Hi Rod,

welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry to hear about your wife - there are many of us on here caring for relatives with one form of dementia or another. Some cope better than others, but the one thing we agree on is that none of us are failures if we unable to cope.

Dementia is a terrible disease; whilst the person we love is still with us physically - mentally they have gone from us - I think of it as a living death. My Mother has Alzheimer's and I'm her main carer - recently her dementia has started to get a lot worse and within the next 18 months or so I think we will have to find a home for her, it's not something I want to do; it's not something I'm looking forward to - but for my own sanity I know it will have to be.

There is a link on this site for people whose caring duties have ceased for one reason or another - you may find it helpful.

http://www.carersuk.org/Information/Whencaringends

I hope that you can accept your new role and with the help of your lovely daughters you will get through this.

susieq
Hi Rod,

Just wanted to welcome you to the forum.Wise words from Susie and like she said, there are others on here too who care for a loved one with Dementia.I am sure you will receive more support.

As an aside, I love Durham.Been a while since there for the day,think was 2 yrs ago.I am just up the A1 from you.Many many moons ago I had a friend lived on Newton Hall estate.You know it?

Rosemary
Hello and welcome to the forum Image
Hi Rod

You say:
Everytime I see her I can't stop bursying into tears, and everynight I feel so depressed
It will never be easy to get over the loss of your wife to dementia, I always think of it as the cruelest disease, but you will, over time, find that you adjust to your new role. You visit your wife, you spend time with her, you are still her carer, you just care for her elsewhere, if you think of it this way you might find it easier to cope with.

You have not failed your wife, you did all that you possibly could when you cared for her at home but there is a limit to how much one person can do and sometimes a care home can be a positive solution if you view it as somewhere where you can spend quality time and enjoy being together rather than having the 24/7 day-to-day aspects of caring to worry about which so often interfere with the relationships we have with those we care for.

It takes an enormous leap of the imagination, a complete change in the way in which you view your caring relationship, but it is possible to see this as something from which you can both benefit and I know people for whom, once they had adjusted to the dramatic and initially devastating change in their circumstances, not only did not regret it but actually found it to be the happiest time since their caring started, I hope that this will be true for you and your wife.
Welcome Rod Image You will find lots of support here - it really is invaluable.
Welcome Rod

Parsifal and Susieq have written very good posts and I hope they help you.

I too care for my Mum who has Vascular Dementia and I am really at the stage where she needs to go into a home, but as yet I haven't found the courage. I admire you for your strength and courage and I know that given time you will feel better. You are not a failure, I know how difficult your decision was and I also know that you cared for your wife with love and respect - and you still do even though she is not at home. Dementia is a terrible illness for the sufferrer and the carer.

With love
Bluebird
Thanks for all your replies.

Still can't believe she has changed so much over the last few years. Still see little sparks sometimes but that just makes it worse.

Things that seemed important have just paled into insignificance.

What a waste !