Newbie

[Helen_19071234567]

I didn't want to read and run. Xxx

Hi Tiasmum,

Thanks so much!

Hoping you are ok too(?) X

[Helen_19071234567]

Worth exploring as both CHC / NHS Continuing Healthcare are FREE.

In addition , if specialist nursing home care ... or even care at home ( Pointon ) ... is required , it would be provided.

Thank you so much for your help
We will definitely look into this!

[Chris From The Gulag]

Your welcome.

Not the easiest of reads ... just shout if you need help.

[bowlingbun]

I DO know what it's like.

I've had ten carees in total. My son was brain damaged at birth in 1979, he can't read, write, or do any maths. In addition I supported my mum for over 30 years, by the time she died she had 28 different things wrong with her. The last year was spent in a nursing home, the hospital said that even if she had live in care, she was too ill to live at home.

My husband DIED when he was 58, I found him dead in bed, having had a massive heart attack. This is the reality of trying to do too much for too long. His mum had dementia and his dad had heart failure. At one time our son and all four parents were all entitled to highest DLA care!

The day after I was discharged from hospital with a massive scar right across my stomach, Mum summoned me to her house 6 miles away as the carers had mucked up her door lock and I was the only one with a spare key! The doctors even tried to bully me into caring for mum, who had taken to her bed. It turned out that she had broken her leg a week earlier.

On the verge of a nervous breakdown, newly widowed, newly disable, in constant pain, I was given some counselling sessions, which changed my life. I was encouraged to set priorities, son came before mum, he couldn't speak up for himself, mum could. I should feel proud of what I did, not constantly guilty about what I didn't. Most important of all, was being given "permission" to put my health needs first.

What good are you to anyone if you are ill? If you don't put your own health first, no one else will. MIL is totally self centred, she NEEDS more help than you can safely give. My mum's nursing home was lovely, I could come and go whenever I wanted. Residential doesn't mean abandoning someone. MS is a progressive disease, at some stage there will be no alternative to nursing care.

Don't be a martyr, put your own needs first. It's a bit like the safety announcement on a flight. Put your own oxygen mask on before helping anyone else.

[Helen_19071234567]

First of all I am very sorry to hear of your losses and the trials you have endured.

In my original post I was asking for support, advice and ways to cope.

Is this not a forum where carers can tell about their current situation?...did I really come across as a martyr? Im ashamed of myself if I did!

So what have I learned from reaching out on here when Im at my lowest possible point? That this is NOT a safe space to express my difficulties
Im very disappointed I didnt expect this at all

Im signing out permanently so there wont be any point in replying to this

[Helen_19071234567]

Im very thankful to those of you who have given me valueable advice, I will check into things as much as I can to do what is right by MIL x

[MrsAverage]

Hi Helen
I hope you don't sign off, or at least come back again in the future.

Your reaction suggests you are much more stressed than your first post reads and we are concerned about you.

Although caring for a loved one is noble and selfless, it is also very very hard and exhausting. Sadly most caring situations only deteriorate due to the nature of the illness or condition, and because of age. It is very very rare indeed that one sole person can take on such a burden, and for years and years.
You already have some support from Social services. What other support were you hoping for from us?

As a carers forum we do try to make sure all carers look after their own physical and mental well being as they need to be extra strong to cope for a long haul. If the carer breaks it seriously affects the caree, so we try to prevent or minimise that possibility.

Even if you don't answer I do hope you do much more reading of the threads in here. You will see that tiredness is rife,a nd can be alleviated only by either doing less or conversely getting others to do more. Doing less may mean lowering standards or skipping non vital tasks. Getting others to do more may mean trying to increase paid Care or delegating some things to other family members. For example hubby may not be best at MILs personal care but are there other tasks he could take off you? Even geographically remote family can make phone calls or manage finances for example.

Please do stay with us
Kr
MrsA

[Joe_19071]

Hello,Helen,welcome aboard

[LForward1]

Hello,Helen,you're welcome

[bowlingbun]

I'm sorry if my message caused any upset, you appear to have misunderstood what I was trying to say.

I was not saying you WERE a martyr, but that you should AVOID being a martyr, quite different.

Everyone has their limitations, physical and mental. It's important that you don't ignore your own needs when caring for someone else. There needs to be a BALANCE.
It's difficult being a long term carer, even more difficult when we have our own health problems.
It's not just our carees getting older, we too are getting older. What we used to be able to do easily, becomes more difficult with age. I used to be able to run a mile without getting out of breath. Now, even if you offered me a million pounds, I couldn't run at all, in or out of breath!!
If you have made a promise to MIL that you will care for her, then there is lots that you can do to make life as easy as possible. When I was disabled, I had to look at every single thing and work out
a) What I could give up doing totally - by taking out all the garden borders which I could no longer kneel down to, I avoided any need for anyone to weed them ever again.
Ironing can be avoided altogether by wearing things like polo shirts that never need ironing.
b) what someone else could do - my sons mow the lawns now, but a gardener could do it.
c) What something else could do - a dishwasher and tumble dryer are essential.
d) What is cluttering up the house. My house seemed full of stuff that someone else had owned, great granny's china cabinet and coronation mugs.

Once you've started, it gets easier and easier to concentrate on what MUST be done, and ditch what is part of a past life, not the life you live now.
Meals can be made easier with a pressure cooker or slow cooker, shpping is easier if you do it online.
Do you have an accessible bathroom?

Some of these ideas may be a waste of time, hopefully some may help.