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A friend of mine is a VERY senior officer in the Ambulance Service.

When I told him how good his staff were repeatedly visiting my mum when she fell, he told me that he saw what they do for elderly and disabled people as an important part of their work, as opposed to the drunks and time wasters they deal with.

Mum might cause a serious injury next time.
That's a good point - I doubt the drunks and time wasters ever feel in the slightest guilty for summoning an ambulance!

Beverley, it's really important that ALL 'violent incidents' are officially reported...it is helping to build the case that your MIL has gone past the ability to be cared for by you.

As for your husband and what he said, well, the only answer is YES, I DO rather spend time with our daughter than with your MIL! So over to you with her, matey!

all that said, in practical terms you're in a tricky situation. You don't have a place of your own to go to (though hopefully you could afford to rent again, would that require you to be working again?), but even if you could afford to rent again obvoiulsy the prospect of inheriting your MIL's house one day is pretty tempting....one would not lightly wish that away.

However, if she does go into residential care it will have to be sold to realise the value of it (or, possibly, the council would put a charge on it, like a mortgage, that would have to be paid back once your MIL is no more) (whichever, self-paying for residential care is hideously expensive - allow at least £100 a day, that's what my MIL's care cost - in less than five years the ENTIRE value of her flat has gone.....)

However, once your husband is 60 it SHOULD mean that the value of the house will be disregarded. I think other forum members have also suggested you check out (the experts here at CUK will know - email the question is best) whether because your daughter has special needs that might mean she is entitled to go on living in the house 'indefinitely' even before your husband turns 60.

IF that is so, and it's watertight, then the council can't make you sell the house and you would be 'free' to put your MIL into a care home, and go on living in her house until she dies, and your husband inherits it.

If that isn't watertight, however, then it's trickier. You could borrow money on the value of the house to pay for her care, but as I say, you are looking AT LEAST at 336k a year - easy to 'use up' a whole house in a few years. On the other hand, if your husband turns 60 in two years, then you would be limited to 'only' borrowing say £75k, after which the value of the house will be disregarded.

However, that is hardly an attractive prospect.

BUT, one thing is for sure, you CANNOT go on as you are, with your MIL hitting you, and you not even getting out of the house for coffee with your daughter- insane! at the very least, buying in care for her, ie, careworkers calling regularly and spending enough time doing what you do, or just 'babysitting' her, MIGHT enable you to 'tough it out' for the two years until your husband turns 60???

You could also pay for respite care several times a year to give you a 'real break' - it's not ideal, but you might be able to 'limp along' until the magic 60 is reached.

One final thought for now - yes, definitely see her GP and report the violence. It might be possible for her to be put on tranquillisers to 'calm her down' and that might stop the hitting???
Has your husband seen her hit you? Does she hit him too? Does she hit your daughter????
If your daughter is classed as "incapacitated" and she lives in the house, it IS disregarded.

Google "CRAG - Charging for Residential Accommodation Guide. Then go to the .gov site and look at page 39, section 7.002. CRAG was updated a while ago, but apparently this section remains the same.
That would be excellent! It means you can tell your husband 'Either your mum goes, or I do!'

That said, what DO you want, Beverley? If you feel that you could cope a bit longer (remember, dementia is grimly progressive, and she will only get worse alas), but only if you get sufficient breaks - both daily and respite care etc - then you could maybe decide to manage for a while.

But that is up to YOU. Since you are the carer - ie, you are the one that's given up your job, who is coping with everything to do with your MIL's needs and behaviour - YOU get to choose. Not your husband!

You don't have to feel bad if you decide you can't cope any longer, and that you want her to move into residential care. There will come a point as her dementia progresses where she will lose legal capacity, and what she wants - or says she wants - won't actually count. She can be 'taken into care' even if she objects. It's grim, but there it is.

Often, in practice, what happens is that there is a crisis, the person with dementia goes into hospital for some medical emergency, but then never comes home, but goes straight to a care home instead. That seems to happen time and time again, and it is, perhaps, an easier way for it to happen, rather than from home to care home....

But, first of all, tell us what YOU want to happen now - and how you want your husband to react to it!