Newbie

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
It simplifies matters if your husband is the only child - yes, you get no help from siblings, but on the other hand, they aren't usually much help anyway - especially if you live with your MIL.....and it certainly makes it simpler about the money. What you do NOT want is for YOU to do the caring, and then siblings swan off with lucrative chunks of her estate when she dies!!!!

I think you and your husband do need to sit down and work out the finances - how much is the house worth (get it valued for free by an estate agent) and then you can see whether, If you 'crack' and just can't stand looking after her any longer, and she has to go into residential care, just how much of the house value you are likely to lose.

The trouble with dementia is that it just 'gets worse'. My poor MIL eventually ended up doubly incontinent, couldn't talk, and couldn't move (bedbound or in a wheelchair). Dementia will 'kill' in the end, but to be brutal, it is 'kinder' if something like a stroke or a heart attack gets them first....

How close to 60 are you and your husband? If you can 'tough it out' till you turn 60 then you may have the house protected against being sold. As others are saying, that your disabled daughter lives there may also help your case.

Why do you think your husband is burying his head in the sand over this? Does it hurt him emotionally too much? Understandable, but he MUST face up to it.. Can you leave him to look after her for one entire day ON HIS OWN (eg, at the weekend) so he knows just what you are coping with, and just how WEARING it is. You never get a moment's peace...

That said, as the dementia worsens, she will likely get 'easier' as she will sleep a great deal...my MIL nodded off all the time, as it progressed. It's all sad and dreadful, but there it is.
Don’t know why but he doesn’t help. No can’t go out on my own at all. He is 58 and will step in when she get violent.
"when she gets violent..."!!!

What are you doing about this? Next time call an ambulance, the quickest way of getting things sorted.
You should not have to put up with this.

One of you needs to film her next time this happens, on your phone, as clear evidence of her "unpredicatability".

Does the GP know? Medication?
A bugle sounded ... CHC / NHS Continuing Healthcare / NHS Funded Care ?

https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support- ... read-35998
"Don’t know why but he doesn’t help. No can’t go out on my own at all"

Beverly, you're not a child, or a servant, or a slave! Just go out - even for a walk, or the shops or whatever! - whenever your husband is home. You don't have to get his agreement! You just say 'I've had enough, over to you'.....

If you don't do this he won't 'offer' to help with his mum.....

At some point, you have to make it clear to him that EITHER you and he sort out some method for you to get sufficient breaks etc etc .....or he'll get a writ for divorce on his plate! NO WAY does he 'do nothign' while you 'do everything'.....

Do you have a house/flat of your own at all? Or have you been living with your MIL all your married life?
No we moved in together two years ago. We were in rented accommodation so let it go. I don’t know where to turn. She has hit me again this morning and refusing to do anything. She had weed on the floor and on one of her nightdresses which I found stuffed down the back of the dressing table.
Just heard from ss. They are coming out next week.
I spoke to my husband and said I would like to go for a coffe with my daughter as we haven’t done anything for a long time. He said” well if you would rather spend time with her” I was so cross and he knew it.
Beverley, I know it's easy for someone outside your situation to say it, but you must make sure you are safe. You will be no help to your daughter if not. If you are ever at risk, dial 999.
In any case, please write down everything before the Social Services visit so you don't forget anything and so that you can give them the piece of paper if you find that your husband and mother-in-law don't want you to tell them. I mean everything - that she hits you, every last thing you have to do for her, how she speaks to you, that you are already caring for your daughter ...
"She has hit me again..."
Ring for an ambulance, explain what happened, and say I CANNOT COPE ANY MORE!"

"Social Services are coming NEXT WEEK...!!!"
Ring them, tell them what happened this morning and INSIST on respite care or hospital admission.

Frankly, your husband is a total wimp. He needs to "grow some...." and take charge. His mother, His problem.
I'd just pack a bag and go away for a while for a break and leave him to it. He hasn't been loyal to you, so why should you be loyal to him?
I don't often tell people to ring for an ambulance, but I think every time I've said it, they've come out and there's been an immediate admission as a result, so give it a go. Pack a bag for her and keep it hidden.
If she's refusing to do anything, it might be that the GP can send her to hospital due to her mental state, so add him to your telephone hit list.
Be sure to record her behaviour so that if she is nice as pie to anyone who comes, you have clear proof.
Thanks for your advice. Some times you just need to talk to people who understand. Will ring the dr next time as I would feel guilty if I phoned an ambulance.