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Newbie - Carers UK Forum

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Hi everyone

I need some support/ advice my mum passed away suddenly last November, and my husband and I have moved from North Yorkshire to sunderland to look after my disabled step father he can be difficult and he has now started a boundry war with the neighbours (who are lovely) and his own daughter who works full time calls for an hour once a week and is on her third holiday since we have moved in. It's putting a strain on my marriage and I'm feeling resentful a crying I just want to go home but I don't want to let my late mum down any advice?
That is a very sad situiation.your marriage is suffering your life so think how your mother would feel for her daughter suffering this way.its not fair on you.moving country doing this.you shouldnt feel guilty by saying enough is enough you have put the effort in and its not your duty to care for this man.time to seek outside help
Agreed, go home. Caring needs to be a balance between all those concerned. You and your husband and your relationship must come first. Enjoy every moment of the time you have together - I was widowed suddenly at the age of 54. No one has a right to demand that you care for them. You say he's disabled, but clearly if he's having a boundary war he's not that disabled. How old is he? What is the nature of his disability? Do you think his behaviour is odd, perhaps on the slippery slope towards dementia. Or is he just damn difficult and bloody minded?!
Does he really care about you, or are you just a convenient pair of hands/slave?
Thank you for your advice
Sadly, I agree with the others. If his own daughter is spending so much time on holiday she can do more for her dad, obviously, irrespective of her working.

You are not letting your mum down. She would not want this current situation - why should she? Why should a step-daughter (you!) have to do more than birth daughter (your stepsister!).

One of the lessons we learn very clearly - and this forum is full of examples! - is that the more WE do, the less OTHERS do. Your stepsister presumably thinks you've got 'nothing else to do with your life' (!) except look after HER dad!

Your stepfather needs external carers (irrespective of whether he wants them!), but will not accept them while YOU are on hand. So, yes, go home to N.Yorks, having (a) phoned your step-dad's GP to tell him you are, and that your step-father will now be 'on his own' and (b) phoning SS to say the same thing.

If he has less than £23,500 in savings and property, his care will be free to him, if not he will have to pay.

It could be indeed that dementia is setting in. BUT if there is Power of Attorney to be assigned (as, sadly, it must in the case of dementia - though he may not want to grant it!), IT must be to his OWN daughter, NOT you.

You really aren't involved in this situation, so should step away.
Thank you for all the comments, myself and my husband are developing the plan to return home as we are both now being affected mentally and physically.
Glad you have made that decision and good luck .you have done all you can time to get your life back