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Following on from what Shaun has just said I think one of the most powerful phrases I use when dealing with my father is "You have a choice." Then setting out the options. Setting out the options clearly and calmly allows both of us time to reflect and each can be tested. We have had difficult end of life discussions and have reached decisions about when the medics will and won't be called or allowed to cart him off to hospital. We are also extremely fortunate to have access to the local hospice for day care and advice. Is there any chance of hospice support? I have found it a very precious resource for me as a carer (and Dad is quite keen too as a great fuss is made over him when he goes so he feels super pampered).
Thankyou chaps, it really helps to have a male perspective. It really resonates with me what you both said. I realise we both have much more talking to !! Luckily he seems a lot better today, only time will tell. It's complicated by the fact that he admits that he's depressed so I struggle to know what's fear & depression !! Thankyou for the reminder about not backing him into a corner, I'm going to try to make that my mantra along with 'you have a choice' I'm going to read both your replies over & over, I feel there a real gift to me with moving forward. I've agreed that I will respect his rights but I'm scared to discuss the specifics. We've had some incredible talks where I've promised to fight for his right to stop but i somehow imagined it would be in an itu somewhere not when he's scared and racked with pain in our living room. He told daughter that he would refuse treatment next time he has to be admitted to hospital!!! As a nurse my experience is that he would be treated anyway because when you're infected or depressed you don't have capacity. Thankyou chaps, I know not only am I doing
The best I can, I'm doing the only thing I can. Thankyou, I feel less alone xx
Anne_1611 wrote:Thankyou chaps, it really helps to have a male perspective. It really resonates with me what you both said. I realise we both have much more talking to !! Luckily he seems a lot better today, only time will tell. It's complicated by the fact that he admits that he's depressed so I struggle to know what's fear & depression !! Thankyou for the reminder about not backing him into a corner, I'm going to try to make that my mantra along with 'you have a choice' I'm going to read both your replies over & over, I feel there a real gift to me with moving forward. I've agreed that I will respect his rights but I'm scared to discuss the specifics. We've had some incredible talks where I've promised to fight for his right to stop but i somehow imagined it would be in an itu somewhere not when he's scared and racked with pain in our living room. He told daughter that he would refuse treatment next time he has to be admitted to hospital!!! As a nurse my experience is that he would be treated anyway because when you're infected or depressed you don't have capacity. Thankyou chaps, I know not only am I doing
The best I can, I'm doing the only thing I can. Thankyou, I feel less alone xx
Your welcome Anne,

I'm happy that my message has helped even if it was just in a small way and to show that your not as alone as you thought you were through such a troubling time.
It's really tough to actually get your head around the fact the person you love is asking to be let go. ( I will put it that way as it sounds a lot nicer and less cold ) Even more so for you because as you just explained you're a nurse, so trained to save lives day in day out. To most its not natural..so i can understand your hesitation and that the fear are just as real for you and the rest of the family to discuss such a fragile topic. I'd focus on his quality of life when talking to the rest of the family and try to get them to see it from his eyes, when you sit down to talk to him about his plans just listen to how he feels before trying to offer a counter reply to him mid sentence. I don't envy your situation as it sounds really tough and i know how emotional it will be. As for his depression I must admit its out of my area to comment on with any useful advice.

There is an area for mental health on the forum that may prove useful to you about his depression.
Take care Anne