newbie

[lorraine bowkett]

hi everyone,thanks for the words of support,hopefully things will settle down,mums waiting for two operations which will hopefully improve our situation.just wish the professionals would consider ive got small children.God knows what il do if one of them are ill,I think its hard because my Dad always told me I should always look after Mom.the thought of a possible 20 odd years of caring fill me with dread and sadness,How much of my childrens lives will I miss Its good to know I can come here to pour my heart out,Thanks again.xx

[pamr1]

hi Lorraine,

this is just my opinion of course, but i think you have to put your young children first before caring for your mum. if you miss out on their childhood you will grow to resent your mum. children grow so quickly and they need their mummy.
just because your dad asked you to always care for your mum, it does not mean you have to be hands on 24/7. if you get help with all the personal care stuff to free up time for your children, you could just 'keep an eye' so to speak that all is going well with mum. you will still be caring for her, but in a much more natural daughter/mum sort of way.
i think it was very interesting on here a while ago how many of us carers said that when we needed looking after ourselves that we would not want our children to fill that role. we wanted them to have a life of their own, and you must lorraine.

First comes the hard bit of course, you have to let the social services and gp know that from a certain date (give them a month's notice, so that they can get organised) you will no longer be doing your mums personal care and that you require them to take on that role as they have a duty to care for your mum. explain that you have young children to care for, and who need you. stay firm and do not let the bully you or make you feel guilty. always better to do these things in writing i find, then they cannot put the telephone down and forget you have called. and of course a carers assessment will identify your needs and give you the opportunity to state your side of the story.

I am sure that there are others on this forum that will offer perhaps better ways of going about things, but when i read your post i just so felt for you. Life is tuff at the moment but your children must come first, followed by lorraine and her husband. your mum will be fine and soon get used to other people coming to do what needs to be done. xx

[crocus]

Pam, you have said it all so well. xx

[ali123]

Hi Lorraine-I was in exactly the same position as you 3 years ago.First my brother and then my dad died 3 months apart,both very suddenly. This left me absolutely stunned, with no time to grieve and my elderly mum in and out of hospital the weeks of my dad's death and the funeral.She is now 79 with lots of health problems.
There are no easy answers, as you feel hugely responsible for the parent left behind, and I only have 1 sibling left then as well, who does not do much of the practical stuff.
I have two kids, am still doing the major caring role,shopping, finances,medication etc etc and am also working full time.I have a very hectic schedule from 6.00 am to 10pm, and have to be incredibly organised. Its really hard to try to keep everyone happy.I'm probably spinning way too many plates and aware this will probably catch up with me eventually.
I have had to accept that life has changed hugely and I am aware this could go on for years.We cannot take a weeks holiday, but can sometimes do an overnight stay, which is refreshing, or my hubby and I go for a walk,to the cinema or out for tea etc-simple small things that take your mind off things for a short time.
I had the same medication as you for a while, and stuff to help me sleep, and then counselling through the GP which was very useful.I used this forum a lot initially and also Bereavement UK and found them both very supportive.Offloading is a form of therapy and you can say stuff on line that you may not want to say to someone close to you.
I wish you all the best
Ali

[Just Thisguy]

Hello Newbie

Sorry to hear that you've suddenly had to take on caring. Welcome Aboard and Best Wishes.

J

[Brenda Woodcock]

Hi Lorraine
You are already aware that you cannot do EVERYTHING..........you have had good advice from earlier posters but you MUST put your health and well being first. Take a moment to think what will happen if you become ill through trying to do it all .
Diabetes is a serious condition as you well know and you musn`t upset your body as stress and extra work can soon disrupt your sugar/insulin balance.
You and your family must come first, as said, you cannot get their childhood back.
Above all, when you come to make the decision to allow professional help to care for Mum, don`t feel guilty.You are not superwoman, only human like the rest of us