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Is it me? What should I do? - Carers UK Forum

Is it me? What should I do?

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi all!

I'm new to this “talking about itâ€Â
I just started typing and forgot to stop!

I didn't even introduce myself properly. My bad.
Hello & Welcome Image

Well, what can i say to help ????

Words are my only available tool, so here goes.

Firstly, Jean is with her family and is "safe", i know it sounds a bit naff, but its the truth, By the sounds of things you are a solid and loving fella, your only concern is for Jeans well being, My mum is just starting on the long journey into senile dementia, at times she can be manic and paranoid to such a degree that she too has packed her bags and threatened to leave.

As with "jean", mum thinks it would be best if she moved away, of course these actions only last a short while and then sanity returns in some form and all is forgoten, when mum is lucid she tells me to put her in a home and forget all about her, i could never do this.

I think you must ask yourself if "jean" is trying to give you a way out of your relationship ?, She must feel at times as if she is a burden to you, I know that sounds harsh, but it may be the reason for her leaving you again.

Sorry im a little negative.

Mog
Hi Mogster,

Thanks for your reply.
I think you must ask yourself if "jean" is trying to give you a way out of your relationship ?, She must feel at times as if she is a burden to you, I know that sounds harsh, but it may be the reason for her leaving you again.
I've often feared in the past that she might think that way. It doesn't feel like that at the moment, it feels like some part of her really means it. Maybe I'm a softy, or a fool, but I hope, as you suggest, that she will change her mind when given the chance to see things more "as they are" than "as they might appear" to her now.

If only I believed she was 'safe' with her family. Last time she was acutely hypomanic, her sister, a trained nurse, no less, ended up scrapping with her and trying to beat her up with a church candle. Her last words to her were "You need professional help my girl!" (Her sister knew Jean has bipolar, and had herself suffered from it, but only briefly, a few years back.)

I recently lost my Grandad last summer to a heart attack, but not until after 5 long years of gradual decline through Alzheimer's. It was so sad to see him slipping away until his eyes were dull, and it feels cold to say this, but, now that he's gone physically, I truly feel he is at peace. When I dream about him, I see him as his old self again, and that makes me feel so happy.

Thing is, all through his illness, there was an inevitability that eventually he would forget who I was, and then after that eventually, himself too, until he was just a shell. Happily, to the end, he always recognised my Nan, and loved her dearly, and most days would see my aunt and know she was his daughter.

I don't have that sort of certainty with Jean. I don't really know if this is what she wants, and whether it really is the beginning of the end, and if so, whether I should begin the grieving process and start to seek closure -for my own sake, long-term. My heart says not, I am certain of that much -but is that just me being selfish?

When she had a particularly acute episode, just less than 3 years ago now, she spent most of her early recovery desperately fearing that I would leave her. To the point were she would cry for hours before telling me why. I will never leave her because of her illness, but I would also hate for her think I feel obliged through guilt to stay, as I have read is so commonly a cause of resentment for other carers.

I am lucky, because I love her, and that is all that matters -to the point that I would rather let her go than to hold her back, if that was what I thought I was doing. Since I am almost certain Jean will never read this, I can admit that I do honestly think I know what's best for her, and so far when she has been able to follow my guidance, she has been happy and well. But like I said earlier, I am even starting to doubt my own memories now.

The grind of her illness is so relentless, I don't want to let it beat her. Or us. Or me.

Thanks again Mogster,
Pablo.
Pablo, welcome to the forum. For someone who's new to "talking about it" you've made a good start! Image

Yours is a tough situation. Bipolar disorder can really affect relationships and the only experience I have is of people who are going through "revolving door" relationships, which seems to be what is starting to happen to you. Admittedly in those situations the person with the condition has had more obvious mood swings. I really don't know what to suggest, other than try this link - it's for the MDF (used to be called the Manic Depression Foundation, I think) and it has a web forum for people with the condition and for their carers. You might find someone in a similar situation who can advise you:

http://www.mdf.org.uk/?o=58415

All I can suggest is that you do what you are doing now: let her know that you care for her, you want her back - and be there for her.
Thanks Charles.

That website has some good info and it also linked to www.bpso.org which looks particularly useful.

Fingers crossed,
Pablo.