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New to this forum - Carers UK Forum

New to this forum

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi everyone

Although I am new to Carers UK I am not new to caring.
I am 59 and have been looking after my wife for around 2 yrs now.She suffers from COPD and this causes her to struggle with her breathing and getting about.
All was going well until June this year when I was admitted to hospital and had a stent fitted. I had a heart bypass 5 yrs ago. While I was in hospital I was informed by the company I worked for that I was being made redundant at the end of August 2011. So as you can imagine things seemed to be falling apart for me.
When I was discharged from hospital I was advised not to return to work as the on going stress from being made redundant would not be good for my heart.So I used the time to research what benefits I was entitled to claim.With the help of Age UK (who I would recommend anyone to contact for help) I finally got all my benefits sorted and I felt good about our future.
I finally finished work at the end of August as planned and was looking forward to looking after my wife and having a little more time for my hobby.
Little did I realize how much I would miss my work mates and am sad to say that in a short time we seem to have lost contact. Maybe it's my fault for not trying harder to keep in contact.
After a short while of being at home I also noticed that it seems my wife has started to rely on me more and more,to the point where she will do very little for herself.
I feel ashamed to say that I am starting to feel used and alone.I am getting short tempered and feel down all the time as I don't seem to have anyone to talk to anymore.
I am now at the point where I no longer know if the care I am giving is given with a good heart.Don't get me wrong I love my wife so much but I find myself snapping at her for silly stupid things that would never have bothered me before.
I expect there will be some that read this will think I am a bad person. To them I am sorry if you see me in that light however I am only saying how I feel and I will not stop giving my wife the care she needs and deserves.
I sit at night and wonder am I that bad person for having these feelings or am I being selfish for wanting a little time for myself.I would welcome any comments on this good or bad as I want to care for my wife but not feel down about it like I am at the moment.

I hope everyone has a very merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Hello Pete, welcome to the forum.
Don't worry about feeling bad about your feelings. This is the place to come and talk about it. We are almost all stressed due to our caring lives,and it does not matter how much we love our cared for person/people.
I care for my husband and elder son.
Pete, you are not a bad person! What you're feeling is perfectly natural under the circumstances, something that virtually all carers experience at some time or another - I know I do. And you've got the added pressures of your own health and job situation - please don't beat yourself up about it. Caring can be a pretty lonely business but you've made a good move in joining this forum - there are lots of lovely people here who know what you're going through and can offer you support and advice - and a good laugh too when you're feeling down! Image Welcome. Hope things improve soon - keep us posted.

Hi Pete,
Welcome, to the forum. First , you are human, you need a break and space for
yourself, you are not a bad person, far from it, you are trying your best in
very hard circumstances . The caring role , and many on this forum will agree, makes
you become very isolated . Nobody here will judge you. we have all been there. they
are a good crowd here.
Take care
Minnie Image
Hi Pete and welcome Image
No, you are not a bad person and what you are feeling is perfectly normal, most of us feel like that at times!
Also your life has changed drastically in the last few months which all takes time to adjust to.
Nobody here does judgement, just warmth and support. Image
Hi Pete and welcome to the friendliest little forum in town Image

Have a look around and just jump in wherever you fancy - we don't bite Image

Selfish ? No not at all.
Guilty of snapping ? We all are at times - after all we're only human Image
Missing work colleagues ? Oh yes, they do seem to 'melt' away don't they - like so called family and friends do when the going gets tough Image Image But the friends you make here will never melt away - we've been there, done that and got the t-shirts to prove it - we know what it's really like to care for a loved one so completely understand your feelings.
Hiya and a warm welcome to the forum.
hiya and welcome from me too
Hi Pete,
Firstly, a big warm welcome Image
Secondly, your feelings are natural, I think we all go through phases like this, just glad you have found this forum, it's a great place to share, good and bad days alike.
Hello Pete. And a very warm welcome from me too. I'm really pleased that you have 'joined up' and I know that folk here will understand how you are feeling and will be supportive.

I have to say I am impressed by your account of what has happened to you and your wife. Firstly this reminds me that Carers often have less than 100% good health themselves. And secondly, and crucially I am really impressed about how honest and open you are about the mixed feelings you have. I think a lot of us can relate to what you say. I know some days I get tired and can be irritable etc and then I feel so guilty. I do my best but I'm human. Just acknowledging how this situation is for you is quite something, in my opinion. I hope that by having shared this, and received feedback from fellow Carers, you will feel some benefit of sorts.

Again, a very warm welcome. As you will see, we are a nice bunch of people, all doing our best in difficult circumstances. I hope you will soon begin to feel less isolated. Good to have you on board !

All good wishes,