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New to this - Carers UK Forum

New to this

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hello everyone, well this is all new to me,but having read some of the other posts I can see a lot of words and phrases being used that I use myself , so I know I'm in the right place. compared to some others I think I've got it pretty easy. I look after my 84 yr old mum, and whilst I love her to bits, I was recently asked for an emergency contact number and realised that I have no one to list. It seems that after 14 yrs of caring I have allowed myself to become completely isolated from any kind of social life,friends or family. I'm sure others feel this way,now just got to find my way back. Thanks for reading.
Hello Tony and welcome to the forum :)
It seems that after 14 yrs of caring I have allowed myself to become completely isolated from any kind of social life, friends or family. I'm sure others feel this way, now just got to find my way back
This is a good place to start ! I'm sure others will be along shortly with some suggestions as how best to achieve your goal. When I was in a similar situation I found my local Carers Support Group (google carers support and your local area to find one near you) was a good starting point; likewise my local church. Both ran 'coffee mornings' and other social events where I was able to meet people locally and make some new friends
Hi Tony, although I've lived in the same town for 40 years, but apart from my eldest son who lives with me, I don't know anyone well enough to say "I'm in a fix, can you drop everything to help". One of my late husband's friends might try, but he's disabled with four joint replacements and a very poorly wife!! As demands on my time increased (four elderly parents within a 6 mile radius) I gradually gave up all social activities. Now mum has died (leaving just a son with SLD who comes home alternate weekends) I have a little bit of time free, but when I went back to the WI which I belonged to years ago, I realised just how much I've changed. It was hopelessly boring and I escaped half way through the second meeting!! For the moment, I'm being very self focussed, I do what I want, when I want, by myself most of the time. When you've been running around after others for so long, peace and quiet are both very valuable things. I plan to go back to the gym after my holiday, not just to lose weight, but for some social interaction.
It's an isolating experience, Tony, caring for someone else often leaves people with very little time or energy and I think a lot of people find their other relationships fall by the wayside, particularly if they give up work to care as well. I'm lucky that I've still got a couple of people that I can call in an emergency but even then it would have to be a real emergency, not an "I've run out of milk can you pop down the shop for me" type emergency! It does sneak up on you. I was ill a couple of years back and really struggled for six months; the complete absence of offers of help or people phoning just for a chat or to see how I was was a very sobering experience. As Suzie says, local groups can be a good way to start (although not all will be everyone's cup of tea); I found volunteering with our local forestry group was great and they organised get togethers every now and again, as did a local walking group I tried for a while so it doesn't need to be a sit down and talk kind of a group if that isn't your thing.
Thank you for the kind words and advice. It does help
Hi :D Im new to this and I am slowly becoming a nobody, i care for my dad in law, im pregnant, exhausted and my life..... what life. I dont have one. Im always with a 75 year old stoke suffer who is very able bodied but sadly his brain was affected and i feel like i want to pull my hair out.... so you and me both and everyone else are here for the same reason. We can get each other through all this and still be the person we was, im am lost but with help we will find ourselves again, oh and my sence of houmour, oh and my self respect and everything else that has sadly died away while we where doing our bloody best to give a person a better quality of life..... we matter toooo :-)
Paula, that doesn't sound good. I am the carer of my 91 y/o MIL and it is NOT the same as looking after one's own parent. There are no 'heartstrings' to soften the 'burden' (and it is a burden, sadly, even though she doesn't know she is....which is, of course, part of the problem).

BUT, I am not pregnant! And anyway, she's (finally!) gone into a home, so I've got nearly all my life back (not all, but about 85-90% of it)

How is it that you have 'inherited' your FIL? I take it your husband, his son, is still on the scene, but is working full time? Is your FIL widowed? Are there no other children other than your husband to help with the care?

How long do you think this is going to have to continue? Is it part of a 'deal' that you gave up work to look after your baby and your FIL? If so, then I can warn you, being pregnant is a doddle compared with having a newborn! (indeed, until they go off to school!)(and if you plan more than one child, that is going to be about seven years to get them both off to school) (and that's only the school day, and the term times....)

What I'm getting at is that I fear that if you are finding it tough going now (and I'm not in the least surprised!), then when the baby arrives you will find it just about impossible.

I do hope there are 'alternatives' to your current situation, and that you can use this time now to plan for when your baby arrives. I think, quite bluntly, that caring for an elderly person, not your own dad, who has had a stroke, PLUS coping with a baby (sleepless nights will be the least of it!), is going to prove impossible.

Maybe I'm wrong, but .....

How do you see the next couple of years panning out for yourself?

All best, Jenny

PS - sorry to sound negative, but just trying to be realistic!

PPS - also, this may sound 'harsh' but in the end, your baby takes priority over your FIL.
I..... I totally agree but my son of 8 isnt my partners, I actually chose to move in to my partners house knowing his dad was there. We got on really well, we all had a life but we think the stress caused his last stroke and i have to live with that for the rest of my life. I have no idea how it will work out. Im thinking of just taking the full carers roll to the extreme and make the house happy and my FIL but my partner has just said he will support me, im also thinking because weve just started councilling and getting help from carer's resorces that in time we can work on our communication and not let things spirial to this point again. When i packed my bags, my FIL was on his knees begging me to stay..... he said he wants to die and hes the problem, yeah. Part of it. We all are but surly there must be a way. People just dont walk out because pife gets hard, i still have a bit of fight left. Not much but a bit.

I really.do appreciate your honesty, its a rare trait noadays....