New to the forum ... and at rock bottom

[Karen Maguire]

Hiya, I'm new to the forum. Just joined as I feel I need somewhere to offload my woes. I am a woman of 39 and have always lived with my mum (with the exception of a couple of years when I lived away) who is 73 and was diagnosed with dementia 18 months ago. I have one brother who is married with a family. I have always had a rocky relationship with my mum and have never really felt she acts like me loves me or even vaguely likes me, but I have always bent over backwards to win her love, as a lot of people do. Several times my brother's wife has managed to alienate my mum from me. 2 years ago my mum went to stay with them for a couple of weeks and when she came home she wouldn't speak to me. This was in the October. So we spent the next month living in the same house and she just wouldn't utter a single word to me when my brother came and got my mum again and she stayed with them leaving me alone at Christmas, at that time that was the lowest point of my life, my friends got me through it. She stayed with them for 11 months and during that time my mum rang me (in the May) crying and saying she was worried about me. we made it up finally! In the November my mum told me she wanted to return home and would not speak to my brother or his family. I got shopping in etc to prepare for her return. She came home and everything was fine .... until last Monday. My niece rang to speak to my mum. They arranged to come to visit my mum the following day so I arranged to go out to keep out of the way. I came home and my mum was very cold towards me. On the Thursday I went to work as I do each day, when I returned no sign of my mum. I then received a text message from one of my nieces telling me that my mum would be staying there overnight and she would be back the following day. the following day arrives and no sign. Then I am sold saturday she would be home, and then sunday, and then Monday. I go to a pub quiz every Monday night and told my niece (as I do not speak to my brother or his wife for various reasons) that if my mum needs the key its with our neighbour. When I came home from my evening out later that night I came in only to find no sign of my mum, and all her medication was taken. Money went from her account so I contacted the police, my suspicions were wrong on this occasion (£11,000 went from her account over a period of 4 months when she stayed with them before so am suspicious of them), she transferred money to her ISA. Anyway, she told the police that she was there to visit her grandchildren and is staying for Christmas. There is actually no actual point to my message. Despite me being her registered carer and loyal daughter, she can do what she wants. I just feel like yet again, she has trampled all over me and I am at rock bottom, I don't understand why she turned on me just like that. I haven't been to work since Tuesday, I cannot stop crying, how could she leave me alone at Christmas AGAIN! I have been a depressive for years, am not currently on medication as for the last 2 years have tried to deal with my depression without the aid of drugs, but I do not feel that I can go on, I just want to give up. Sorry my post is not particularly well written and perhaps I am ranting but I need to get it out or I will go crazy

[paulingreece]

Hi Karen, ranting is allowed on this forum, feel free to ofload whenever you like, there are always people here to listen and give good advice.
Familys, sometimes you can't live with them or without them. I noticed that you say you are always trying to win your mothers love, sometimes you have to step back and relook at the situation, and i think if you do, you will see that sometimes no matter what you do, you cannot change somethings. You cannot win a mothers love, its either there or its not. In some familys manipulation is common, and also very damaging. Maybe its time to love yourself rather than try to win a battle you can't. If you have good friends, have christmas with them, let your mum do her own thing, but do not chase, as then it becomes you the needy one and your mum the carer, i think you have probaly spent far to much time in your mums shadow, and maybe its time to live your life and let others do the caring. I could be wrong, we can only answer and give advice on what we can see and by reading between the lines, i hope this help, try to have a good christmas and think of yourself for a change, there will be others along soon with maybe better advice and replys than mine. Take care, and more importantly, welcome to the forum. You can pm me if you need to talk further.
Paul.

[no1mum]

Hiya and a warm welcome to the forum. Some sound sensible words there from Paul. Manipulation causes so much heartache.

Karen

[Minnie]

Hi Karen,
Welcome to the forum, as Paul says , step back, the illness could be behind all
of it, mum is listening to other people, getting confused. maybe its time to
think of No. 1 for a change. Hope it all settles for you.
Take care
Minnie

[michael parker]

Put yourself first for a change.If your mother needs you,then you need to be in a fit state to deal with her needs,and not worn out through stress.If living together makes you both unhappy,then maybe it`s time to take another look at the situation.There is no point in you both living in a stressful,tense situation.All that will do is make you both ill.Use Christmas to see your friends and try to rationalise what to do next.You matter just as much as your mum does,and if she is happy elsewhere,then start looking at how to make yourself happy.

[Myrtle]

Hi Karen and welcome, glad you felt comfortable enough to 'let it all out'.
everything I would say has been said, so I hope you find yourself a place where you can be yourself and enjoy Christmas regardless.

[Robert]

Some good advice here from 'forum friends', Karen. Of course the way you are feeling you may feel too overwhelmed to take much on board. Having read all of your account, its been such a traumatic time for you and there seems no let up in the pain you are experiencing. I cant explain just how or why this has happened. Stuff happens and we just try our best to deal with it. And life is seldom fair. Speaking for myself, I try hard to accept things rather than wear myself out trying to somehow fight stuff I cant change. But easier said than done.

This is a good place to come for support.

If you are really desperate and in real pain and feeling terribly alone, you know you should perhaps speak to your GP or perhaps the Samaritans. There is a limit to what you can carry and you know when things are really bad for you.

I'm sorry things are tough right now and I wish I could point you towards a pathway that could take you to a much better place to be. Perhaps you have little choice but to try and begin to accept some things, painful though that must be.

The first step in not becoming a victim is maybe to have shared your situation with friends here at The Forum. Perhaps you could think what the next positive move might be..... in order to nurture and care for the fragile person who has been hurt so badly.

I wish you well, Karen. Keep in touch, please.

Robert

[sturdygirl]

Hi Karen,
Some very good advice has been posted.
I can't add much more except to say, as others have - be a little selfish and looking after no.1 for a change - its not a bad thing to do, your health and well being are so very important.
xx

[Karen Maguire]

Thank you all for taking time to reply. Luckily I will not be for Christmas day, will be having dinner at my neighbours, who are also very good friends and have witnessed all the negative stuff my mum has dished out over the years, and have also listened to my mum when she has been devastated in the past by my brother and his wife's actions. I guess my mum has made her bed, she can lie in it. Perhaps it sounds harsh, but I guess that's someone will react when rejected by a person they have done so much for. Hoping I get through the next few days. Lots of dark thoughts but am fighting them

[paulingreece]

Hi Karen, good to hear you are going to the neighbours for christmas day, dark thoughts we all have them, sometimes the caring role just weighs to hard on us. Take time for yourself, recharge and then see what happens, as to sounding harsh, i don't think so, we all have limits, hope you have a good day and can relax and enjoy yourself.