[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
New to the Forum - Advice Welcome - Carers UK Forum

New to the Forum - Advice Welcome

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I am new to the forum so please excuse any errors I may make. I am an only child of divorced parents. I am not in contact with my mother. My father had a stroke when he was in his forties (I was a teenager) - he taught himself to speak and walk again but he is hemiplegic. Since the stroke he has suffered a number of other illnesses (colitis, gone deaf in one ear and is going blind). Last year his kidneys failed and he is now on dialysis three times a week. We have a care package - a support worker comes in for three hours a day seven days a week. It really isn't sufficient but despite appeals the council won't increase the package. My father has recently moved into a nice new warden supported flat which should help. However I am exhausted and feel completely broken. I work in a highly pressured job which I need to continue to do to help with his bills/pay for extra care but I also take on much of the caring responsibility for dad. I love and respect him so much but at times he is very dismissive of me and has never thanked me. His care worker is a very strong personality and has become more of a friend to him (watching TV /advising him on money matters etc) than a carer - I therefore end up doing much of the work she should do but he won't have it any way. I seem to have become the nag and she's the fun person - it's very petty but he never asks about how I am or how I will get home(even when I have to travel in the early hours) but is always asking after her. He forgot my birthday but remembered hers, asks me to buy food for her when she's better off than me etc. I know it's only small things but I'm frequently close to tears (last night, for example, I was sat on the bus and cried myself home) . I have spoken to my GP several times as I think I may be depressed but she is more concerned about other physical health problems I have (I am diabetic and have very high blood pressure) which she wants to get sorted before addressing anything else. I know this probably sounds ridiculous but I feel so unloved and such a failure. I am not sure what value there is in me going on. I know there are others who have it much worse and would welcome any advice you may have about how to pick myself up. Thank you.
You should not belittle your self or what you do which is above and beyond, could you self refer into mental health in your area, or go back to doctor take your own physical and mental health seriously, any doctor is going to want to get your blood pressure and diabetes under control, you are no use to anyone in a heap, do you get a day off, if you do make it your day and even if it is an hour to yourself doing something for you, you must be running on empty, so please take care and we all resent things it doesn't make us bad people, just human x
Thank you for taking the time to respond - it really means a lot
Hi Faye,
You are a wonderful daughter. Never forget that you have been there through thick and thin for him BUT you also have the RIGHT to a life of your own. Who is paying this carer?? I'm sure they would be interested to hear what is going on, but it's probably not worth the effort. I am going to suggest that you go on a fortnight's holiday, because first of all you need a complete break to recharge your physical and emotional batteries. It's also long enough for dad to get this carer to do what she's supposed to be doing. When you come back, turn over a new leaf. Point out that the carer is there to care, and you can't care and work effectively. I find the only way I can get my head round things is to leave home (I've had many family carees, most have now died - due to old age, not my negligence I hasten to add!!). While you are away, do a simple exercise. Draw 2 circles, and make a pie chart. In the first, work out how you spend your day at the moment, in hourly segments. Then work out how you would like to spend it. Also consider having some counselling, it certainly helped me to say "No" to mum, and how to manage her unrealistic expectations. She seemed to think I should do anything she couldn't, completely ignoring my own health problems, my son with learning difficulties, as well as running a business from home.
I can relate to the feelings in your posting this 100% .... difference is Mums Vascular Dementia tells her she is fine and so she refuses any outside help but like many others on here she is eager to give ME a list of jobs that need doing. I have one Aunt who lives in the same street as Mum who I call my guardian angel but apart from her I get very little help with the psychical stuff at all..... some days I can cope and some days I feel that I just can't and have the weepy episodes that you describe..... All part of the package of caring I'm afraid...... my very good friend tells me to "keep treading the glue it will make you stronger" some days I hug her some days I could punch her when she says this I reckon it's down to how tired and depressed you feel on that given day..... what a lot we carers have to cope with hey and like I read on here t'other day our local MP (now that he's been re elected) says "Well this is what Daughters, Sons and family should do if we all stick together we'll all make it work" I simply replied "If you had my problems with my Mum you wouldn't be in a position to stand there and give that advice, you would have to look after her so please DO NOT Patronise me" ... Blood boiling moment again but today is another day so tread the glue I will xxxxxxx