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Hi

I’m not quite as far along the path as some but I’m sort of a carer whatever the definition of that word is.

My wife has vascular dementia with all the associated symptoms with some more pronounced than others. I care for her welfare as best I can with life becoming more and more complicated as time goes by. I’ve had periods of anxiety, aggression, incomprehension and confusion from her and only just recently have I managed to arrange an appointment with the Mental Health team with me not her as she denies anything is wrong. So I’m visiting under the pretence of something wrong with me.

I’d love to hear from anyone in the same circumstances as me. It’s fairly early days for me and my wife but I need support from anywhere I can get it.
Hi, and welcome. I don't doubt that most folk here would say that caring for someone with any kind of 'mental defect/illness', including dementia, would affirm that most of us would far rather look after someone with only physical illness....

With dementia, it can be SO hard as, as you say, they don't know they've got it (in a way, 'kinder' for them not to know??). But of course if they don't know they've got it, they don't think there is anything wrong with them! And that makes them hard to handle.

Others here know better than me, but you will probably be advised to organise a Needs Assessement for your wife and then a Carers Assessement for yourself. Do bear in mind another grim fact about dementia, is that very often the patient can 'disguise' the true level of their mental deficit, by appearing to know what is going on. Also, the tests do seem to focus more on 'memory' - as in, can you count back from 10, who is the prime minister, that kind of thing, rather than what usually is the MAIN problem for them, which is that they can no longer look after themselves.

There's a term I've heard which is an odd one, but sums it up - acopic. Ie, they 'can't cope' with life any more. My MIL became increasingly 'acopic' - she forget how to make a cup of tea, or how to mix her own nightly G and T, and needed guidance in getting dressed, getting showered....she just needed someone to help her with daily tasks, more and more. She also lost the ability to 'entertain herself' ....if I left her watching TV she couldn't follow what was on, and either fell asleep or 'came to find me'.

One thing you may not be aware of -I wasn't! - is that in the case of mental incapacity there is exemption from council tax, so you should be able to apply for the single person discount.

All I can say, and it is not 'cheering' is to make the VERY most of what you wife CAN do - share everything you can with her, and keep her memory going as long as possible. Go through old photos, talk through old memories and so on. Get out and about as muich as possible....

It's a sad, sad journey you are both on. Again, this is not 'cheering', but do think on it all the same. Although not a single one of us would 'wish' dementia on anyone, sometimes the alternatives are no better. I lost my husband to cancer in his fifties - but would I have wanted him to have survived long enough to develop dementia in old age? Who knows - but it's a hard call to make, all the same. That's why I urge you to make the very MOST of what you do still have with your wife....
Hi and welcome to the forum.
Plenty of lovely people on here with knowledge and advice.