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New to the board GUILT! - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

New to the board GUILT!

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi Jacqui,
Go with your instincts , once you make the decision, it's a long , long, long line of
harder decisions after that.
Take care
Minnie
Hi My names Jacqui and I care for my mum, Yesterday after 2 years of back and forth to Doctors and Hospitals we were told mum has Parkinsons! To cut long story short i am in a lesbion relationship of 4 years and had plans to move in with my partner. I now have BIG BIG feelings of guilt. Do I give up on my relationship and stay at home and care for mum till the end which could be a long time away or do i carry on with my planes to start my life with my partner and do all i can for mum from another home! There is lots more to this then i have put but just now dont know what to do Image
What's being a lesbion got to do with anything?

Having a choice like this is is horrendous. No matter what you decide you will feel guilt for whichever option you choose. Being a carer(I've been one for nearly 2 decades now) is damned hard work. It is not for everyone. Some people have the choice, some do not. weigh up the pros on cons...write them down for both option. What would your mum benefit most from. You or going into a care home? If you gave up moving in with your partner would you, over time, become resentful? (you don't have to answer these questions here...they are just things to think about). There is absolutly no shame in saying that your mum would benefit better with different carers and you poppiing in to help as /when you can and still maintain your relationship with her without losing your chance of a happy life too.

With whatever you decide I wish you all the best. {{{{hugs}}}}
Dear All, Thank you all so much for your posts, You all make so much sense so thank you. I will take on board all you have said but can I ask another question of you all. You have all said that Guilt comes with the Job of caring, How do you cope with that guilt? Image
Jacqui, you're welcome to ask all you want Image
How do we cope with the guilt? I guess everyone's different, but for me I just like to speak to other carers on the forum. I think there are often ideas of what we're 'supposed' to do and feel. That little nagging voice that tells us that we're doing something 'wrong' by not devoting all our time to our carees, even if it means sacrificing our own lives. But coming on the forum I get to speak to others and realise that I'm not alone in this feeling, that my caree wouldn't want me to give up my passions and my own dreams just to care for her. I also remind myself that I have a right to live my own life, even if that's not always easy to manage practically, I still have that right and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel guilty about it.

Sorry if this is coming across as some kind of rant, it's not intended to be. But, you have a right to live your own life. That doesn't mean that you can't care for your mum within that, but caring doesn't have to dominate your life and make you give up on what you want.

Remember, wanting your own life only makes you human. You're not a robot and nobody can expect you to care for your mum to the exclusion of being with your partner.
Thank you Bertie Bear what you have written here if honest has brought a tear to my eyes Image . I really did not know that other people feel the way i do. I always feel that if i choose a life over caring for mum full time people would judge me as a bad daughter, She would judge me but caring is hard on everyone not just me. Your not just a carer you become a banker, a nurse, a manager, cleaner, a cook, a dishwasher, an ear to listen to there worries, there form filler, and so on it goes and with working full time there are not enough hours in the day. My mother is hard work without the added problems of the parkinsons she wont except help from anyone from the outside (Social or care company). My brother well i believe that for him if he dont ask whats going on he has not got to deal with any of it, so he dont ask and lives his own life and see mum when he can bother to fit her in. Sorry now i am rambling but its nice to talk to people who know how i feel Image
I know the feeling. Luckily my family have been good about caring, but we've had some friends that have been the opposite of helpful. Some have disappeared when illness shows up. Not friends for long Image Unfortunately it's not just us, other carers get the same.
I wish I could say that you will not be judged by anyone, but there are some very trying people out there who just don't get it. However, we don't have to add any judgement to ourselves. I've found there's no substitute for speaking to others who understand, and carers understand better than anyone, so stick around Image we're a nice crowd. Good to surround ourselves with like minded people. Who better to bring out the best in us?
You have all been very nice to me in answering my questions. As you can prob tell i am new to all this!! Most friends and all family have kept away for a very long time now and its my mum i feel sorry for as i think visits from them would help her and would make her happy. I dont really care for any of them so am happy they keep away.
Jacqui,
It pulls at my heartstrings reading your last post, it reminded me so much. of how
I felt. my mum died a few months back. I would have liked my rellies: to have seen mum
more often too, also to make her a bit happier. Instead of only popping in now and again.
But it's like they put some kind of wall up. A lot of us on here have found this out the hard way. They seem to be full of denial and happy to leave it to one person. They will have the guilt,
not you.
Take care
Minnie
@ Minnie, What really gets to me is my mum and her family are from the Eastend and they always go on about FAMILY! What a load of rubbish, her neices and nephews have not seen her for years and years, They only came round when they wanted money and i soon put a stop to that. They leave it to me as her son does because they all cant be bothered nothing more nothing less. Once Mum passes away i so hope they dont think i will be spending my money on a wake for them! They could not be bothered with her while she here so i cant be bothered with them, I will have a drink in her memory as will my partner and one lady who is my mums friend and has stuck by her despit her own hardships in life. Minnie i am sorry to hear of your mums passing but i am sure while she was here with you you did your best and more for her x
Image Image Image hi jacqui how do you cope with guilt i fond it hard at the start with becouse i wanted to carry on working i think i was selfish but it all changed when tras mum and her sister"s didint whant to look after her ether so it was down to me and do you know what i am glad i do what i do now they come rond and say i am doing a good job sometimes it is hard not say anything you have to do what you thing is right i hope you do what you think is right and jacqui dont feel gulit what ever you deside