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Guilt.. - Carers UK Forum


Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I became a full time carer when I was seventeen, and was only a carer for three months whilst being a carer with my Nana caring for my Grandad I was also studying three A Level subjects and trying to keep on top of those. My Nana and Grandad have two Daughters and three grandchildren aged eighteen, aged fourteen and ten. The reason in why I became a carer and why it ended so soon was because my Grandad has been suffering with acute dementia (Vascular Dementia) and has suffered with having five mini strokes he also suffered with ulcerated leg and URI which is a bladder deformity for many of years.
Through this time my Nana had been caring for him for at least six years, she was brilliant and she cared for my Grandad the best that anyone could have, she hid the pain and the worry behind her and made sure that she kept things as normal as she could.
It went all wrong when my Nana had to have a heart operation as her health was decreasing due to her constantly caring for my Grandad 24/7 she lost over two stone (She went down to ten stone and she is 5'9 in height) and her heart condition was getting worse.
She was strong, and didn't let anyone know the true extent of how bad my Grandad really was it was only until she came out of her operation I decided she needed extra help because I have already lost half of my Grandad due to this awful illness and I don't want to loose my Nana as well. (Nana and Grandad brought me up since I was six months old due to my Mother and Father being at work full time.)
I started caring for my Grandad as well as my Nana and together we tried to help him which was clearly impossible as he was 16 stone which most of it was a dead weight he couldn't walk or stand up and he was doubly incontinent. This was not only hard for me seeing things which I should have never seen but was hard for my Nana as she was so embarrassed on behalf of me.
When caring for my Grandad towards the end, my Grandad started to having feeble fits which happened in the middle of the night, my Grandad used to sleep in the front room as we turned it into a room for him as he hadn't been able to go upstairs for ages so we made it a room for him. When he had these fits his eyes rolled back and forth and he was making a deep noise from his chest, he also used to grab me or my Nana is fear and he never knew why when he had these he used to grab our hand for reassurance and every time he has these in the middle of the night we thought we would loose him.
My Grandad stopped eating and drinking and also lost a lot of weight. Due to the terrible illness of Dementia he thought I was my Mother which was hard. He had laughs and giggles sometimes. Towards the end he were ringing the paramedics every two days as he couldn't get him out of bed.
Sadly, in the end my beloved Grandad had to go into a nursing home which broke my Nana's heart literally as she goes and visits him every afternoon at two. She hasn't put any christmas decorations up and she has down days when she blames herself but I reassure her that she's not alone because I cared for him with her, she is not only my Nana but she is my best friend, I held a small family party at my Grandad's nursing home on the ground floor to celebrate my grandparents golden anniversary this was a surprise and my Nana cant thank me enough.
But on the other hand, she believed that when she took her vows to him on the 20th October 1962 and repeated 'through sickness and in health' she meant that but there was nothing else we could do… the guilt I have is unbearable and I put a brave face on for my Nana but it does make me so upset. Did I do the right thing? I done my best when everyone else was busy i stood up, but did i do enough?:cry: Thanks Everyone.
Amy we can only do what we can do and sometimes promises have to be broken. Neither you nor your Nana should feel guilty as you did everything you could for as long as you could.
Your Nana didn't break her vow either, she's still there for him..........as are you.
Thank you Myrtle, your opinion is lovely and i have appreciated it.
Sometimes you seem to doubt even yourself in these sort of situations.
Many thanks
Amy Image
Amy you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about - you did your very best for your Grandad and so did your Nana; but there often (sadly) comes a time when our very best is not enough and we have to hand over the care part to someone else.

Now you and your Nana have the time to spend quality time with Grandad and re-establish your previous relationships of Grandad/Grandaughter and Husband/Wife without the stress of caring getting in the way.

In years to come you can both look back with pride that you stood up and did all that you could Image
Amy, you are a remarkable young woman, and have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. if you were my daughter, i would be so proud of you. Sending you(((((((((( hugs )))))))))
Phoebe x
Thank you everyone for your unbelievable support,
Susieq-your comment was a lovely comment as it looks towards the future and made me think the same as at times like these you seem to doubt whether there will ever be a normall future again, but thank you for that and i am sure even though in the state of mind my Grandad is in it makes me feel privileged for him to think i am even my mother as this makes me think in my own way that he looks at me like a daughter, thank you x
Phoebe- thank you for your comment is was sweet and lovely and put a smile back on my face, thank you so much for you appreciation.
Thank you! xx Image