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New to dementia journey - Page 76 - Carers UK Forum

New to dementia journey

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938 posts
Hi Pet sorry to hear of your husband's latest developments. It is so hard to manage when the PWD starts to be aggressive towards help like that. Wednesday seems so far away, I hope if there is a medication review they can find a combination that pacifies your husband and calms down the aggressive hitting out. I know my own Dad went through a stage like that with all carers and nurses, not easy to manage at all and left me dealing with everything as I was the only one he behaved with . It is just a phase and maybe a waterworks infection?
I totally understand why you reacted the way you did Pet - making him stay in bed until Wednesday is not acceptable as he will lose mobility. No advice apart from challenge the decision. I do realise it is hard on the staff if he does lash out and the staff's safety is a consideration. But surely there must be some compromise? Maybe 2 male carers?

I can only send you a hug. Dementia is a cruel disease and it must be heartbreaking to see your husband in this condition. I have always admired the way you fight so hard for him.
Pet, so very distressing. I guess for him the hoist is something he simply does not understand the reason for, doesn't like it, and 'lashes out'.

One thought - do you think he is lashing out because he is in pain from something? I know with dementia they can't 'tell' us they are in pain. I wonder if something about the hoisting process is hurting???

Hope the situation is fixed - as you say, he can't stay in bed till he dies.....and if he gets what enjoyment he still can from his chair, and the TV, and being 'sociable' in the lounge, that must be made available to him. (My poor MIL, who, alas, is 'further down the road' that your husband, STILL gets a degree of enjoyment from being in the communal lounge. She doesn't 'participate' or even 'respond' much, but she seems to look about her and 'see what is going on' and that has to be a good sign of 'some degree' of mental involvement still'.
Thanks for all your replies. Very comforting as always.
I wondered myself if a UTI is brewing. Would like to think they have tested, but who knows? Will request he has a test done. Pain, well he has arthritis in his knees, and can say if they are hurting. He rubs the right knee alot, so at the moment he knows when in pain and can say. Admittedly he has said his knees, bum head hurts from time to time, and when the nurse has asked him at my request, he's said he's ok! Not always. He isn't mobile now, just the use of his right hand/ arm. He can kick out when in the hoist too apparently. Yesterday I felt in shock again, and the carer who he hit or whatever was soon around me when I went to the nurses office to explain. I did say that I am sorry you were hurt, but I not saying sorry for hubby. They don't get paid it off sick, which I feel is very unfair, especially if hurt on duty. However, if she was that hurt, ie a crackled rib, then I don't really know how she could be working so soon after the incident, even if light duties.Wasnt even holding her side or wherever when talking. I may be unfair and tired but a potential cracked rib is what she told me. Cynical me.
A rib is either cracked or not. It can't be 'potential' as it has already happened. It sounds like they are trying to make it seem more serious than it is. It's neither your fault nor your problem if staff aren't paid for time off sick. I bet they made a mistake with the hoist and are afraid to admit it. I like Mellys idea of querying them in their handling techniques, tactfully of course!
I would certainly query their forcing him to stay in bed, that just seems cruel and lazy

Dementia is such a dehumanizing disease isn't it, bl**dy thing :angry:
Mrs A
I've emailed the manager, asking to see her tomorrow, my words, ' as I'm getting mixed messages'.
The words used to me at the moment are "we are not using the hoist for his own safety." No one can or will explain what the assessment entails.I'm up against being told that he is staying in bed is for his wellbeing Of course his well being is my priority.
. He was quite happy today and clean and tidy. Ate all of his food even if it was awkward.
All I can do is give the manager chance to tell me the way forward for him. I doubt I will find out what exactly happened, as I wasn't there. Definitely will question handling technics.
Yes, bloody dementia. It's emotionally wearing me out. He can't tell me what's happened, he doesn't remember.
There sadly does come a time when remaining in bed is the best option. Dad got to the stage where he was falling daily and every time he was placed in a chair he fell off it trying to move. I do think the care home where dad spent his last couple of weeks tried their very best to get him to the day room until it became completely unsafe. I don't think lashing out at staff is reason enough to stay in bed.
This is probably 'illegal' - UNLESS it's seen as safeguarding (which it is - staff AND your husband!), but could then not simply 'tie his wrists together' (loosely!) to stop him being ABLE to 'lash out' etc etc? (Obviously just until they get him settled into his chair.)

Again, just a thought. Glad he can still 'communicate pain' as in, he still 'knows how' to let others know.

It's a shame, in a way, they can't invent some kind of 'bed-chair' which is on wheels, and 'folds from bed to chair' so they don't have to get in and out, but the whole thing can be wheeled into the lounge! Ironically, before she was incapable of living on her own, my MIL 'lived and slept' just about in her big reclinging armchair. She no longer 'went to bed' - I was quite shocked, but it's quite common so I now know. They sleep poorly, and just 'can't be bothered' to get undressed every night and 'go to bed'. Sigh.
Bit of a turn around today! Hubby in his chair. Looking nice and was happy.
Assessment was done, staff must ask him if he is ready to get up, if he says no, to leave it, but explain he needs to be washed. Or if he isn't too wet etc go back in half an hour. Yes, ask him, don't tell him. He still has capacity to make some choices, and never took kindly to being bossed around. Partly, because he had 3 older sisters who were bossy!!
No medication tweeking..
The member of staff has NOT a broken rib, or been put on light duties?
I feel better for seeing him up, watching TV in his chair, and my concerns have been addressed. Sadly, although a good nursing home compared to lots I remain cynical, and feel the need to care manage,with my daughter's. Good job we do
Phew! So pleased for you and him Pet. Just shows how important it is to keep tabs and visit regulalry, no matter how good the Home. Sound like it was a weekend thing where perhaps the staff prefer to take an easier route than following full procedures...

938 posts