New to dementia journey

[Pet66]

May I be pathetic for a few minutes. I'm really missing hubby. Not just him, warts n all, but silly things. The bath plughole is draining slowly. I have some unblocker etc. Not incapable, but... he would have removed the bath panel and given it a thorough clean up. Probably grumbled about hair blocking it, even though it would be his hair as well!! I would have said as much and told him to stop moaning and be grateful he still has a good head of hair. Then he would have preened, probably, and that would have been the end of that. Silly how things can get too you.
Being pathetic over !

[jenny lucas]

It's not pathetic in the least. It can be the practical things, the little things, that hit hardest. I feel it myself, with my husband dead, and I know my divorced friend feels it as well.

Suddenly, it's all 'up to us' ....and it hurts, and it hurts, and it hurts....that there is no one left to 'share life' with.

Thinking of you, KR as ever, Jenny

[Melly1]

Pet,
Does hubby have a pressure cushion to sit on? There are lots of different ones and would make a difference. Definitely worth pushing for the doctor to check both his sore and investigate the upset tummy he keeps getting.

It's very difficult to watch someone suffering and feel powerless to help. (I didn't want to use the word suffering, but couldn't think of a better word.) At home though, you'd have popped out to make a cuppa, do a few chores etc What you did was no different, you told one of your
" kind lies," and left. He isn't judging you, hang on to things like the lovely greetings he gave you.

Re the plug hole, memories creep up on us, when we are least expecting them, all part of the grieving process. In time, they won't make you so sad.

Melly1

[Pet66]

Thank-you Jenny and Melly
Yes he has a pressure cushion. I emailed the manager in a crafty way. I asked if the chair in his room has inbuilt pressure cushion like the ones in the lounges. (I knew it hadn't). Had a very speedy response back. He got him one immediately, and said if any of the family see him without it we must inform staff straight away. Have it in writing now. They are sending sample off for testing again re his tum upsets.
I often wonder what happens to the poor residents who don't have visitors. We definitely have to be hubby's spokesperson. My DDs definitely are if needed.! We're not a family to keep going on about things aren't necessary. But his well-being is paramount to us.

[Melly1]

Very cunning, great result

I have to be S's advocate and spokesperson too.

I too wonder about those who don't have someone fighting their corner. I worry about S after I have gone.

Melly1

[Pet66]

When I visited hubby yesterday,he greeted me with, oh, I was just about to pick J up. (DD 2). I said hello to you too, that's a nice welcome. In a matter of fact ,not cross way.He replied, oh, that wasn't fair of me I shouldn't have said that. Makes my eyes water typing this. Still somewhere he knows that somethings are thoughtless.
Later on CD 1 arrived with my 2 granddaughters and the eldest ones boyfriend. He was really pleased.
Went back to daughter's for dinner, and time with them all which was lovely.
Today I'm feeling the pangs of ambiguous bereavement again. At least I know what it is now.

[Susan_160712345]

Hi pet66 it must be so lonely at times and cannot even begin to say i understand but i am sending ((((Hugs)))) and warm wishes to you going through this kind of bereavement stage again Take Care xx

[Pet66]

Had a fitful night. I kept thinking of the negative remark I received when visiting hubby yesterday. Mad really,as it was short lived. He's entitled to be grumpy. Just stirred awful memory's.
Part of the course. My conscience was getting the better of me. I've cut the visits down slightly. He doesn't seem to realise but I know. I had to really,in order to cope and be upbeat with him.
I'm not going today. Meeting my granddaughter for a nanny day. Last one for ages as she's off to start uni on Friday. Exciting.

[jenny lucas]

Pet, could you turn his remark the other way around? After all, if he said he was just about to go out, and wasn't 'ecstatic' about seeing you, isn't that a 'sign' that actually you DON'T need to go in to see him as much as you did? So doesn't that give you 'permission' to visit less often?

I do hope you have a good 'day off' today. I think there's a phrase in French which I don't have accurately, but it's something along the lines of 'pour changer des idees'....ie, doing something that changes the 'ideas' in your head, and sort of washes things out by doing something completely different. Maybe 'firebreak' is another analogy??

Anyway, hoping you have a more cheerful day today....KR, J

[Pet66]

Hi Jenny
The remark about going out didn't worry me at all. Am glad in his mind he has such a lot to do!
It was the " you are treating me like s*** " that upset me. It really was short lived. I went for a beaker of water, came back the visit was much better. I was a little tense, trying not to be. I don't go everyday now. Every other day seems to be my routine.
Think I just wanted to offload my feelings. Xx