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New to dementia journey - Page 24 - Carers UK Forum

New to dementia journey

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
938 posts
Thank you for your reassurance. It's still needed by me. I do step back if one of my DDs actually tell me before hand that they are going to see their Dad. They don't always say. Not obliged to. Younger D often txts to tell me and writes if you want a rest. I do take the chance.
We possibly are out of hubby's mind some days. I sort of hope that now. Oddly enough.Other days apparently he says to staff about us. Must have been a day yesterday 'where the thought was just stuck. Said to staff the boys will be here soon to take me home. Going 'home' is a common theme with a few of the residents. One possibility triggers another? Who knows. Wish we could get into their thoughts.
I'm going today. Change of plan . I wasn't, but I'm taking older and younger grandsons out tomorrow. Middle one has an important football meeting. It's good when I have a valid reason not to go. My own conscience! I've definitely stopped comparing myself to the male visitors who go every day. 2 of them for hours and hours. Learnt it's each to their own.
So, ambiguous grief hitting again. Just when we all think we are coping it emotions consume us again don't they. Whatever our situations. Thank goodness to be able to share xx
I think,I hope, today was a breakthrough with my emotions. Admittedly,I was happy and relieved that hubby said with a smile ' oh lovely, I wasn't sure you would make it today. Bittersweet really but if he is calm it's better for us all. Seems he doesn't connect if I haven't been the day before. Or anyone else. As I say, bittersweet. Xx
A devastating blow to the GM. Good!
Pet, when your husband talks about going home, would it be possible, or kinder, perhaps, to say 'yes, when you're better'....so that he believes that 'one day' he will be going home (and after all, IF, say, some amazing cure for dementia were to be found, well, then, yes, he could go home, couldn't he????)(Never give up hope of that - I went on 'praying' for a cure for my husband, right to the very end, and even beyond - I can remember visiting him in the funeral parlour wondering whether the 'fridge' he'd been kept in might possibly have killed off the cancer, and he might sort of 'revive'....)(sorry, sounds weird, but it was a weird time for me....)

Maybe if your husband assumes he's in some kind of nursing home, or convalescent home, he might find whatever awareness he has of his surroundings less 'unwelcome'?
Hi Jenny
I'm learning to judge the visit. I never ever tell him " this is your home now" . Sometimes he thinks it's a hotel, sometimes a convalescence place. I'm always saying carry on with physio so we can move on. He rubs at his disabled arm and hand. He thinks that's physio. If he's planning a holiday I agree and tell him as soon as you are better. To be honest Jenny, I'm unsure of what he considers home . His mind seems muddled about it. He often asks if his mum is ok etc. Whatever the day brings I try to go along with it. Do my utmost to stay calm and reassuring. I do 'blip' occasionally. He tries to stand up. He is no longer able to, so I do my best to ignore it. So it goes. Revolving door. Every day is different. He knows us all though which we treasure. It doesn't get any easier emotionally but I know he is cared for 24/7. I know he is deteriorating with short term memory and mobility. Absolutely hate it happening but sadly I can't stop the decline. I see another visitor staring at his wife when she's sleeping, willing her to get better. I will break if I do that.
Whatever he believes at the time I go along with, as much as my heart will let me! I still feel I'm new to dementia journey.

I think you are right when you say you are "judging the visit". I found that when mum wanted to go "home", it was easiest to ask what she liked best about "home". It soon turned out that she was talking about her childhood home and not the adult home of 40 years at all. Home is just a safe place, which of course could be anywhere.
Sometimes things are funny even in sad situations.Hubby claims the medals that are won in the Olympics are now chocolate. Says they no longer can afford the real thing. Wonders why they dont eat them straight away! I agreed and they need to soon before they melt.
A few weeks ago I would have tried to make him see logic. At least he is still thinking things through and anyway they do look like chocolate, esp when the winners bite or kiss them lola
Perhaps he is thinking of the big chocolate coins we used to get at Christmas? I can see his point!!!
I second that BB, there is some logic to his thought process.

Dad asked me where his car was recently. I said it's safe in the garage, ready for him if his health improves.

Pet, the man watching his wife sleep may not be willing her to get better, he may be hoping for her to slip away before she suffers. Or maybe he's just remembering happier times. Anyway, I'm pleased that you now know that your husband isn't overly distressed by being aware of your visit free days - that might help you drive the GM away. :D
Today I feel the GM has the right to kick me. Hubby keeps getting upset tums. Seems he has some sort of sore as well. One staff said a pressure sore, another said it's not?.I've mentioned and mentioned he's uncomfortable. Seems the nurse ordered barrier cream/ gel. Today another nurse gave him imodeum type medication.
I had such a lovely greeting from him today. A nice chat about our next holiday (if only but he's content with at the thought). Then, the upset tum again. He was still ok with me but getting agitated with himself.
I've asked for the doctor to check the sore and have investigations as to why it's happening.
Why I feel terrible is because I just couldn't bear to see him so uncomfortable and I made the excuse that I was going to see if I could buy some cream. He was fine about this but I ran away. That was very selfish of me.
938 posts